KEEGAN'S SO BITTER

Arsenal 3, Newcastle 0

A PINT downed in one for Mike Ashley, bitter for Kevin Keegan, Dutch courage from Robin van Persie and champagne football back at The Emirates.

But for Newcastle fans, not even the finest pair of beer goggles could have made this look attractive.

Injuries and the James Milner sale have left Toon boss Keegan scraping the bottom of the barrel and Ashley needs to spend the next 48 hours looking for stars — not bars.

Two strikes from Van Persie and a wonderfully-woven effort from Denilson were the products of vintage Arsenal but it could have been pouring goals from start to finish.

This was crushing proof that Keegan’s squad remains painfully thin — unlike Ashley, who produced Newcastle’s moment of the game when he was caught on camera sinking a pint without coming up for air.

To be fair, that might have been the most attractive option in the visitors’ section.

The Emirates surface may be bizarrely smooth and even — you could roll it up and sell it by the yard in Carpet Warehouse — but, for most of this game, it appeared that Newcastle were playing uphill. And into a hurricane. With deep sea divers’ boots on.

Some people pay to be dominated like this.

If Fabio Capello came to watch Michael Owen, then he spent most of his time looking in the opposite direction to 60,000 other people.

The inane grin of Toon owner Ashley may have glinted amongst the perspiring hordes but quite what he had to smile about I’m not sure. (Apart from the few hundred million in the personal account, of course).

Newcastle have made an acceptable start to the season but the sale of Milner was another expression of the bizarre relationships in the corridors of St James’ Park power.

Keegan remains pitifully short of personnel. So much so that he had to field a half-fit Shola Ameobi — a player who, in peak condition, has mobility issues.

An Emmanuel Adebayor on crutches could have skipped round the Newcastle striker en route to earning the penalty that put Arsenal ahead.

After Charles N’Zogbia — more through instinct than intention, it has to be said — had elbowed away Adebayor’s cross, Van Persie despatched the penalty with crushing finality.

It was no surprise that Shay Given actually made a valiant attempt to keep it out.

Given has been one of the league’s outstanding long-term performers and there are two reasons for that. One, he’s very good. Two, he gets a lot of practice.

In the first half alone — when he was not watching William Gallas spoon a monstrous sitter into the ether, Kolo Toure scare the upright from distance and Adebayor insult a beautiful move with an ugly finish — Given denied Van Persie and Samir Nasri with top-quality saves.

His agility and the familiar — and now almost too tiresome to mention — Arsenal over-elaboration was the reason why Owen, with his first real touch of the game, could have woken Capello up and drawn Newcastle level.

Owen was his usual confident self as the ball left his boot — until the lumbering Ameobi stumbled into the goalbound ball’s path.

Newcastle’s thirst for the comic is insatiable. And the comic turned tragic when elaboration for once brought tangible reward — Emmanuel Eboue’s back-heel helping another Adebayor cross into the path of Van Persie, who finished with conviction.

While Ashley clearly used the interval to go to the bar, Keegan looked to have at least piped some energy drink into his charges. But only dregs of composure were left after their torrid first half — witness N’Zogbia’s wild free-kick from a prime position. Yet their level of commitment surprised an Arsenal team who can lapse quickly into complacency. And a meaningful encounter threatened when Danny Guthrie inspired a concerted spell of pressure, asking Manuel Almunia his first serious question of the evening from 20 yards.

And after Nicky Butt had landed a header on the top of the Spaniard’s bar, an unlucky comeback seemed feasible even to those who hadn’t been drinking Ashley-style. But this was a game when Arsenal’s intricacy was inspired rather than ineffective and a third goal was created with artist-brush style.

Denilson started it and, three short intricate passes later, he was slipping a cosy finish inside Given’s post.

The outlandish almost followed the outstanding when Van Persie splintered the woodwork from an impossible angle. However, in the aftermath, the Dutch hitman adopted a familiar prostrate pose, hands clutching a sensitive part of his leg. And off he hobbled. Again. Freakishly gifted, frustratingly fragile.

His job, of course, was complete.

From his isolated environment, you wonder what Owen made of it all. Out to impress England chief Capello, he barely had a touch after the unfortunate Ameobi incident.

Seeing out the remaining year of his Toon contract would appear to be Owen’s best option. Whether Keegan will see out the season is not something you’d put your bevvy on.

At least he still retains a sense of mischief, sending on Joey Barton for his first post-prison appearance — albeit for only two minutes.

But by then, it was way, way too late for a Get out of a Jail card.

Keegan insisted: “Arsenal are an excellent side, who played very well. They’ll be there or thereabouts at the end of the season.”