I'M GONNA sue. For an entire season, I watched Chris Morgan lump the ball skywards and I swear my neck has never recovered

Had it not been for the crick I developed, I would obviously have written a best-seller, had it adapted for the big screen by Steven Spielberg, made a trillion bucks and would now be lounging in a Hollywood mansion. Pneumatic blonde on arm.

And Neil Warnock. You'll be hearing from my briefs as well.

Listening to your bitter drivel for a year dulled my brain. Otherwise, the Nobel Prize for Literature would have been mine.

And do you know what a Nobel Prize is worth? No, neither do I.

But I'm guessing ten million quid. Minimum.

Feral

And I'm still getting dizzy spells after trying in vain to work out which way Rob Hulse was running during that 2006-07 campaign. Get your compo cheque ready, my old son.

The blame and compensation culture has long been a disease in English society.

It's why staff in old people's homes have to ring up relatives in the middle of the night to tell them to come round and pick their 90-year-old mother off the floor.

CARLOS TEVEZ - row

They're too scared to do it in case they get blamed for any injuries she has sustained.

It's why PC Plod can't give a feral youth a clip around the ear.

It's why people smash up their cars and then sue the manafacturers because they were distracted by the neon entertainment system on the console - the same neon entertainment system that made them buy the thing in the first place.

Now football has well and truly embraced the culture.

Ten Sheffield United players are considering legal action against West Ham for loss of earnings.

It is believed they could be investigating a possibility to claim up to £500,000 a man.

That, incidentally, is about £350,000 more than Lance Bombardier Ben Parkinson, 23, originally received by way of compensation after losing both legs in a landmine explosion in Afghanistan. He suffered 47 injuries in total and will need medical care for the rest of his life.

By most people's standards - certainly by Ben's standards - these 10 men are extremely wealthy.

Change

OK, some of them are now having to get by on 10 grand a week, but they will cope.

Which is why you have to hope that this tawdry piece of ambulance-chasing fails. In fact, hope it never materialises.

How about players taking responsibility for their own ineptitude for a change? After all, they were the ones who allowed a 10-point cushion to deflate during their relegation season. Not Carlos Tevez.

When Steven Taylor headed a late winner for Newcastle against the Blades, the defender who was supposed to be marking him at a corner was clearly negligent. Surely someone must be able to sue.

And here's a thing I don't get. If Sheffield United are ultimately successful and get £30million out of West Ham, shouldn't these 10 players be asking the Bramall Lane board for the dough?

Worms

It is pathetic.

West Ham deserve no sympathy. A Premier League inquiry found that they had misled the football authorities over the signing of Tevez and Javier Mascherano.

They were duly punished.

But when teams sign up for the Premier League - and all the billions it brings - they should respect it's judicial system.

One observer remarked that the decision of the tribunal headed by Lord Griffiths to award United a possible £30million opened up a can of worms.

He was right. What he didn't know was that 10 of those worms would be wearing football boots.

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TRIESMAN - executive

RESPECT, AIDY

LORD TRIESMAN - the most executive non-executive chairman in history - still claims he works only three days a week at the Football Association.

Let's hope he was on one of those days off when some Soho Square numbskull decided to charge Aidy Boothroyd for complaining about the goal that never was.

I'm all for Respect ... but I'm all for common sense.

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UEFA'S MICKEY MOUSE DECISION

THE UEFA Cup will, from next season, be known as the UEFA Europa League.

And here's another great idea. Play all matches at Disneyland Paris and then Mickey Mouse can watch the tournament he has clearly inspired.

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LAY DOWN LAW, GARETH

MAD POG - Emmanuel Pogatetz flies in on Rodrigo Possebon

GARETH SOUTHGATE was admirable in his condemnation of Emmanuel Pogatetz but slightly economical with the truth when he said that Mad Pog has cleaned up his act recently.

It certainly can't be the same Austrian I saw kicking lumps out of Croatia's Ivica Olic in the Joseph Hapoel Stadium barely three months ago.

Pogatetz will get the mandatory three-match ban for a tackle that could have ended the promising career of Manchester United's Rodrigo Possebon.

What he should also get is a quiet word from Southgate, telling him that Middlesbrough - through their bright, articulate manager and their considerate owner - have gained a fine reputation in the Premier League.

And that if Pogatetz besmirches it again, he will be booted out.

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HOW TO STOP RACISM

THE size of the fine imposed on the Croatian FA for the racial abuse heard in Zagreb earlier this month does not matter.

It really doesn't. Sixteen grand, sixty grand, six hundred grand, even a sum big enough to bail out a few American banks. It won't make a jot of difference.

Because the problem is embedded in Croatian society and no amount of financial punishment is going to change that.

Which means the only meaningful penalty FIFA can hand out - and should hand out - is to deprive the guilty people of the pleasure of watching top-class football in their own backyard.

It is the only chance of stopping this cancer.

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JOKING HERE OR JOE KINNEAR?

WHEN I got the call just after midday on Friday, I thought someone said they were joking here. Instead, they were telling me the name of Newcastle's new manager.

Perhaps I was right first time around.

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NICK FALDO'S FAILINGS

FALDO - criticism

AMERICANS took time out from their well-deserved celebrations to point the finger at us - the British press.

They were upset by what they saw as unjustified criticism of European skipper Nick Faldo.

Actually, what justified the criticism was that Faldo behaved like something of a clown. So that is the end of that argument.

But the furore and fallout over Faldo's captaincy should not be allowed to camouflage the issues that do need to be addressed in the wake of the thumping in Louisville.

And one of those is team selection.

Faldo had two wild card selections, Paul Azinger four.

That put Europe at an immediate disadvantage. The methods for picking the teams should be synchronised.

Either that or do as every other sport does. Appoint a manager - because that is what a captain is - and let him pick his own team.

Just as long as that manager is not Faldo.

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