Now, I'm just waiting for the follow-up. When it transpires the young scamp dropped an outboard motor into the drink as soon as he was over the horizon. Or that he's actually only done a few laps of the Isle of Wight.
Because the previous three items in that bulletin were as follows.
Rugby's Bloodgate, football's Eduardo, snooker's world No 2 questioned - and, it must be stressed, released without charge - in a betting probe.
Cheating has always been a running sore in sport. Even the great and the good have been caught red-handed or at least implicated. Diego Maradona, of course. Any number of athletes you care to mention, starting with Ben Johnson.
In one instance, doubts were even cast about the integrity of Michael Atherton - Manchester Grammar School, Downing College, Cambridge, England captain, esteemed cricket correspondent of The Times, no less - when he was filmed rubbing dirt into a ball.
And what about Muhammad Ali? On Friday, he had a reunion with Henry Cooper, who knocked him to the canvas in the dying seconds of the fourth-round during their fight at Wembley in 1963.
When Ali wandered dazed to his corner, his trainer Angelo Dundee apparently noticed a small tear in a glove. Thanks to some sly Dundee fingerwork, the small tear became a big tear, the referee was called over, allowing Ali extra time to recover.
He cut Cooper to ribbons in the next. "I'm not bitter," says Cooper. "I hope my trainer would have done the same for me in similar circumstances."
Maybe. But in most people's books, it was still cheating. Not as heinous an example as that provided by another boxing trainer. A chap called Panama Lewis, who removed two ounces of padding from his fighter's gloves and also soaked Luis Resto's hand-wraps in plaster of paris before the Puerto Rican's contest with outstanding 21-year-old welterweight prospect Billy Collins Jr in June, 1983.
The injuries Resto inflicted on Collins were savage and career-ending. Nine months later, he died in a car crash. His family believe it was suicide.
The case of Collins Jr is the very tragic, very extreme end of the scale. But cheating always has a victim.
The hideous Harlequins ruse did not pay off and the intended victims, Leinster, were reprieved. But the victim has become the game itself, stripped of its cloak of honour.
But at least rugby recognised the real culprit. Dean Richards, the coach on whose watch this despicable episode was played out.
For being the architect of a grotesque con, Richards has been banned for three years.
But even if he had not been the brains behind the scam, Richards would have been culpable. Coaches, managers, call them what you like, have a duty to ensure their team, their club, behaves in a proper manner. We are actively campaigning to stamp out ugly dissent in football.
The FA have their Respect programme, the Premier League a Get On With The Game initiative.
But the ultimate power to crush bad behaviour, to stamp out cheating lies with the managers.
It lies with the likes of Sir Alex Ferguson, with Rafa Benitez, with Carlo Ancelotti, with Arsene Wenger.
Which is why the Frenchman's reaction to the Eduardo incident against Celtic was a touch depressing.
He makes several good points about the validity of a UEFA charge against the Croat - not least the suggestion it has been influenced by Scottish power within the European governing body.
But whatever the rights and wrongs of a charge, from where most people were sitting, Eduardo's tumble looked like a dive. Simple as that.
And to suggest he might have been trying to avoid a collision in the wake of his serious injury is almost laughable. We credit Wenger with intelligence, he insults ours.
Defend Eduardo if you must. Resist what you think is a UEFA witch hunt. But also make it clear that any Arsenal player who dives will be dealt with severely by the club. Never mind a governing body.
In the same way that Fergie should be telling Wayne Rooney he will not tolerate verbal intimidation of refs.
Who stamped out dissent from the great Nottingham Forest side? Not the FA, not the Football League. Brian Clough.
Stricter laws and tougher punishments from governing bodies are welcome. Positively encouraged.
But the most powerful tools for change rest in the hands of the people who - on a daily, even hourly basis - shape the way footballers, indeed any sportsmen or women, behave.
And those people are the managers, the coaches, the bosses. They have the responsibility to make sure the running sore of cheating does not become a cancer.
Now get the News of World print edition for more from Andy Dunn
This article has 3 comments
I'm sorry Andy if you think Fergie and all the other premiership managers will attempt to stop this diving and cheating then I think you are sadly deluded. I didn't see Ronaldo curb his cheating instincts when at UTD I can only take from that, that Fergie condoned it or was blind to it all, until it affected his team. The way most players fall to the floor these days is a joke you only have to break wind on them and they go down as if floored by Mike TYSON. The only way in my book to stamp this out is points deduction, an independent panel of say 5 neutrals picked at random view any video footage and on a majority verdict deduct a minimum of 3 points, if its unanimous then possibly more. If this threat hung over the managers of these teams then I feel it would possibly eradicate it virtually overnight
By jonny boy. Posted August 30 2009 at 4:12 PM.
Wenger has been totally right in what he said and he's dealt with it perfectly as he has spoke largely of the way forward for everyone, and tried to take Eduardo's name out of the stupid witch hunt.
If he would of slated Eduardo, it wouldn't of helped. And we don't know if all these managers do it in private (how they should deal with it) rather than in the heat of the moment in front of the media.
Fact is that i wake up today and no media has asked whether Rooney dived yesterday. He began falling before any contact, and the contact that did happen was not enough to take a man down. I would say it is a dive, but thats the breaks. And i needed the super slow mo to show me.
If people want complete improvements in diving, then we need technology at the time. No one has called for Ashley Young to miss 2 games, or Rooney, or Eboue. The media have the power to highlight this as they did Eduardo and they choose not to, not sure why, but its there choice, so they should look at themselves rather than point the finger.
By cheese85. Posted August 30 2009 at 1:13 PM.
I do think Wenger has a point about Eduardo being picked out of whatever football calls a 'line up'.......it's gone on for years and the English and the Scots are on a par with everyone when it comes to conning referees. They usually don't roll around like nancy boys after tap on the back of the leg, but they do try and con the ref. Big time.
It's no coincidence that Sir Alex was at the game Wednesday and that he was playing Arsenal yesterday. So he won't have objected to UEFA's actions, will he?
Eboue was a prat yesterday. Arsenal fans didn't appreciate him diving in Paris in 2006 because it was so flagrant and so unsubtle: we thought he had learned his lesson. Apparently not. Silly boy - he's been playing quite well this season - no need to dive, is there?
The only way this can work is if the top managers agree a common code for dropping players who dive, play act and try and get fellow professionals sent off. If I were Gary Megson I'd be furious at yesterday's rubbish. The man committed two minor offences and is sent off. Nonsense. If you're going to review decisions about cheating, how about reviewing decisions of injustice too eh?
Seems like a lot of work for the referees' panel and the FA, doesn't it?
By Rhys Jaggar. Posted August 30 2009 at 10:20 AM.