I CAN'T ADMIT DRUG SHAME TO SON
I was so ashamed -and I still am, admits Gareth Hock
TO Wade Hock, his dad is a hero.
Because his dad is Gareth Hock, the man who pulls on a Wigan and England shirt and lives the dream of every young kid brought up in the rugby-daft town.
But the shame of a career wrecked by cocaine is still too much for Gareth. He hasn't found a way to tell his six-year-old son he may never play rugby again. Wade used to go regularly to watch Wigan's games with Hock's parents, Kim and Damien.
Now Hock admits he cannot stomach the thought of breaking the little lad's heart by telling him the truth.
"I haven't told him because I'm embarrassed," confessed Hock. "I feel I have let him down. He lives with his mum but I had him on the Sunday, the first time Wigan played after I was suspended.
"The game was on TV but I couldn't watch it. I took Wade to the park instead. I haven't thought about how I'm going to tell him, but it will be hard when I do."
Despite his public humiliation after testing positive for cocaine, Hock claims he's relieved that he's been exposed as a drug-taker. As he admitted: "I am glad I have been caught because I'd have probably kept on doing it if not. Now something good will come out of it.
"It's easy to say you'll stop, but not easy to do it unless something like this happens - now I know I'll never do it again."
Hock split from Wade's mum, long-term girlfriend Joanne, about a year ago. That's when he started socialising with the wrong crowd of mates, an association that would eventually lead to cocaine.
But, after meeting new girlfriend Danielle a couple of months ago, Hock thought he'd got his life back on track.
He said: "Everything was going really well and was good. I'd been selected again for England and was hitting a bit of form with Wigan. I was happy and had met Danielle, who's a social worker and a good girl. She didn't know anything about the cocaine and I hadn't done it for a while because I wasn't hanging around with the wrong crowd after I met her.
"But then I went and cocked it all up with that stupid mistake. She couldn't see me the day of the barbecue, so I went with my mates and messed everything up by taking it."
Hock was too embarrassed to confess to 23-year-old Danielle and she only discovered his shocking secret when she heard of his ban on the news.
He said: "I was ashamed and I still am. Danielle was gutted but she's being supportive and standing by me. Mum and dad, my two sisters and all my family have all been great, even though I've let them down so badly.
"I've got a huge family, with lots of cousins and everyone looked up to me because I'd made a name for myself. Some of them have told me I'm an idiot but they're supportive because they know that I'm kicking myself more than anybody else could. Nobody knows more than me that I've been a daft git.
"I have not been out since I got the news and the only place I go to now is my mum and dads, because I can talk to them and they understand. This is easily my worst nightmare. I don't know how I would have coped without mum and dad.
"Mum didn't eat for three days after I was told the news, but both her and dad have been great. Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on."
Hock says he's had support from the Wigan club and also had lots of sympathy and offers of help from his team-mates. But he's yet to pluck up the courage to meet any of them.
He said: "They have given me loads of support, texting me, saying they will stand by me and offering to meet up. But I feel too embarrassed to meet them because I feel I have let them down. I never told any of them about the cocaine because I was scared of anyone knowing.
"I would go into training and I'd be scared that I'd get caught. I was on edge a lot of the time."
Despite the stress, Hock kept putting himself through the agonies of risking getting caught. And now he has to live with that every minute of the day.
He added: "Every day I wake up and wonder what am I going to do. I lie there thinking I should be at Wigan training because that's all I've done for years, but I can't do that any more. My biggest regret is that I never said anything to the club and told them. If I'd asked for help this might not have happened."
Hock asked former Wigan star Kris Radlinski to apologise to the entire squad on his behalf. But one day, Hock is convinced he will be able to look every one of them in the eye and announce he's clean. The player, who's won four Great Britain and four England caps, is about to go into rehab to help him kick the habit for good.
He said: "I want to go into rehab to prove to everybody that I'm serious about not doing drugs again. I want to show everyone that I am tackling the problems. I'll only be 27 when my ban finishes, so hopefully I've got another five years in the game. I'm determined to get back.
"I've been told that some fans have been giving me stick on the websites and I'll probably get more when I come back. But I'll know I'm clean and the rehab will help me prove that."
Wigan have stopped paying Hock's salary, believed to be about £100,000 a year, leaving the player with a financial headache. He has some savings, but not enough to tide him over for two years, and also has a mortgage on his semi-detached house in a quiet Wigan suburb.
Strong
That means Hock needs to find work, but with only one GCSE and the need to keep training to a high standard, that could be difficult. Despite those problems, Hock has made a vow to himself to carry out one important task before he gets a full-time job.
He said: "I really want to do something with kids, talking to them about drugs, telling them not to make the mistakes that I have done. I have already spoken to a few people about doing it and it's something I'm keen to do, because it hurts knowing that I've let kids down.
"All I wanted as a kid was to play for Wigan and I still do. There will be kids out there now thinking the same and I want to make sure they don't mess up like I have.
"My message to them will be about staying strong enough to turn drugs down if someone asks them to try them.
"And for kids who want to play rugby, they've got to be strong enough to put that first. Hopefully if I tell them, it might sink in because they can see that I played for England and was at the top and now I'm back at the bottom."
Hock claims he doesn't know if cocaine is a widespread problem in the game because he was always too frightened to get into any conversations about it.
Wasteland
He said: "I don't know if it goes on because I always kept it to myself. I was scared to admit it to anybody and I never went out much with my team-mates anyway. I always had lots of friends outside the game.
"Clubs and players are given leaflets about drugs but I think it needs more. Hopefully they will clamp down more now. I had been tested twice before this year but I think that's because I'm an international. Maybe they need to test more."
Hock is determined to survive his two years in rugby's wasteland and prove he's strong enough and determined enough to resurrect his career. But it annoys him that his two-year punishment is the same that would have been handed out to a player caught taking performance-enhancing drugs.
He said: "I deserve to be punished but two years is a long time for a drug like cocaine. It is not performance enhancing and not cheating like taking steroids would be.
"If anything, cocaine would make you play worse if you were addicted to it. I think if you are caught you should get a year's ban, put into rehab and told to do some voluntary drugs awareness work.
"If you are caught a second time, a two-year ban would be all right. But I think I've been made an example of because I'm an England player."
This article has 10 comments
Grow a set you idiot and tell your son today......
You couldnt tell your GF, your Team mates, your Lad etc Yet you now want to work with kids about the dangers of drugs in life, sorry I dont believe you !!
You dont believe it yourself yet, thats why you keep it quiet you are still in denial.
If you were not exposed you would have carried on using as you have already after it wrecked your previous relationship.
Crying in public means nothing, come back clean after a steady period of abstanance, then and only then will folk take you seriously.
By the way, I talk from experience after saving my marraige by practising what im preaching here.
Good luck, its a rocky road to travel , but it can be successfully travelled.
By mike. Posted July 18 2009 at 4:00 PM.
Gareth, I felt so downhearted when I heard the news about your suspension from rugby league I have always enjoyed watching you play for Wigan and I am sure that after 2 years I will enjoy watching you play for them again, keep healthy and happy until then and don't worry you will always be a hero in your little boy's eyes.
By Janet Whittle. Posted July 13 2009 at 5:47 PM.
everything happen's for a reason... he'll come back bigger and better!!
By joanne nichoson. Posted July 13 2009 at 2:58 PM.
Gareth
I know how your mum felt, I too was gutted when my son told me that he had been using cocaine for at least 2 years . I have the good luck to work in the drugs field, so know quite a lot what you guys are going though - it doesnt take away the pain though! Apart from my sons wife, and his brother in law, no one else knows - this is hard keeping it from my husband, but he would be devasted as he is so proud of his son.
I wish you the best of luck and going into rehab is the best thing you can do.
Don't be ashamed it is out in the open - you have the support of your family and friends, try and find the courage to face your team mates now - the longer you leave it the harder it will be.
My best wishes
By Carolann. Posted July 13 2009 at 12:24 PM.
Gareth you have showed yourself to be a spineless coward....how could you let your girlfriend find out the way she did???
You knew the consequesess of taking drugs and have been found out...whether taking sport enhancing drugs or these so called ''recreassional'' drugs ....shouldnt matter BOTH are illegal in our game and you should accept you ban like a man and face upto what you have done.You where a role model ,someone kids in wigan aspired to be so you should of set an example not try to blame others for your drug taking.if you knew these people where the wrong sort you should of walked away.
By Elli. Posted July 12 2009 at 10:27 PM.
we have all done stupid and strange things when we have had too much to drink,GARETH just went to far.
By bobbyb. Posted July 12 2009 at 9:44 PM.
we have all done stupid and strange things when we have had too much to drink,
By bobbyb. Posted July 12 2009 at 9:42 PM.
gareth hope you have learned your lesson get clean for your own sake you will be missed at wigan you will come back a better player and person you say you have the support of your family they will stick by you
By bruno. Posted July 12 2009 at 8:36 PM.
My family are all wigan fans and we have always stuck up for u in the past. U cant tell ur son? Well do it before someone else does!! U couldnt tell ur girlfriend, she found out on the news!!! Then u ask a rugby hero like Rads to tell the team!!! Get a backbone and sort yourself out. My 11 year old son is gutted and has taken ur pic off his wall, some people would give everything for what you blew away!!
By Jacqui. Posted July 12 2009 at 12:37 PM.
Gareth you big daft sod, i cried when i read your article, i'm just glad you've a big supportive family to help you thru this, and sincerely hope the Wigan club give you all the help you need.Good luck i'm sure you'll get the support of all the Wigan fans and maybe in 2 years time you'll make your little lad proud again.
By gillysgirl. Posted July 12 2009 at 10:46 AM.