I CUT MYSELF WITH RAZOR

BRAVE Gail Porter today reveals the terrifying self-harm torment behind one of the most famous smiles on TV and confesses: "Cutting myself was the only way to stop the hurt in my life."

IN extracts from her book, Laid Bare, the Wish You Were Here star confesses she SLASHED herself for SIX YEARS, once almost losing an arm. And she tells how she battled ANOREXIA, DEPRESSION, LOVE SPLITS and the loss of her famous blonde locks through ALOPECIA.

TEARFUL Gail Porter sat alone in her flat, her world sinking as fast as the bottle of Chablis on the table in front of her.

After another slug of wine, she picked up the razor and gazed at it with the big eyes that had captivated millions of male TV viewers.

The blade looked so inviting as Gail pressed it onto her bronzed arm... but it marked the beginning of six and a half years of hell.

She says: "I don't remember where the idea came from or why I did it for the first time. But I remember going to the bathroom, getting my shaving razor and slowly drawing the blade across my skin.

"A very fine line quickly welled up with drops of blood. Euphoria. The pain was sharp, but felt clean and pure. Not like the chaotic pain in my mind.

"It was as if the new pain displaced the old one. A new pain that was actually a kind of pleasure, giving me relief."

And so the blonde beauty began secret self-harming to cope with a world that had turned from the heady heights of fame when she was the face of Top Of The Pops and Wish You Were Here to the pits of hell as she battled depression and the loss of her hair.

Once, she cut herself so badly she almost lost her arm.

The relief Gail, now 36, craved that night alone in her flat was from the pain and guilt of walking out on her then boyfriend - chart-topping Prodigy star Keith Flint.

Gail had met him in 2000 through her pal, Radio One DJ Sara Cox, and soon moved in with him in a rural Essex village. But within months she missed her London friends and party lifestyle. So she moved back to town.

"To my shame I did a bunk," she reveals. "I sneaked out the next day with my stuff and didn't tell him to his face that I wasn't coming back. Like a coward, I phoned him later in the day."

Once apart, the guilt set in. "I felt so worthless... doing that to such a lovely man," she adds.

Already suffering from bipolar depression - which causes incredible highs and terrible lows - she couldn't cope with the pain.

In her distraught state Gail thought cutting herself would blot it out. But the first wound from the razor wasn't enough.

"I cut deeper. The pain was more intense, not so much a pleasure," says Gail. "This was more like punishment I deserved for being such a bad person.

"I cut myself because I don't like myself, and when I cut myself I don't like myself even more."

It was the start of an unending downward spiral. Her tangled love life didn't help.

Gail went from one rocker to another when she met and married Toploader guitarist Dan Hipgrave. But after she gave birth to their daughter Honey five years ago, post-natal depression kicked in to add to her troubles.

Her marriage to 32-year-old Dan ended in 2004. She found love again with James Lloyd, a cameraman she worked with on satellite TV show Dead Famous.

But after going to the Maldives on holiday with James, 33, depression took hold and she reached for a blade again.

She recalls: "On the last day of our holiday I sat alone in our room while James was out and took out a kind of big Swiss Army knife I had with me."

She says she craved "that strange reaction of relief and pain, always with a kind of self-loathing that seems to feed on itself.

"I meant to use one of the blades of the penknife but I got confused. I drew what I thought was the blade across my arm but instead of a clean, sharp cut there was carnage.

I'd used one of the miniature saws by mistake, and it mashed my arm up. Blood was pouring out and there were shreds of skin and muscle."

She tried to stem the flow of blood with a towel. James called for help and a hotel doctor gave her ten stitches.

"James was furious. 'You've done it again!' he said. 'What the hell are you thinking? You could have lost your arm'."

Her behaviour led to their split earlier this year. Another time Gail did almost lose her arm when her wound became infected.

She says: "The blade must have been dirty, and next day my arm ballooned. I was pumped full of antibiotics. I had blood poisoning. The doctor's voice was ringing in my ears: 'You're lucky not to have got gangrene'."

As her self-harming increased, Gail desperately tried to cover up the marks, lying about what caused her injuries. She started scarring her tummy to hide what she was doing. She told us: "It took me a long time to admit to self-harming.

"I used to cover it up by saying I'd had a gardening or biking accident. It was linked to the anorexia I suffered when I was younger.

"Back then, I wanted to starve myself, but with this I wanted to hurt myself." Then there was the suffering that was not self-inflicted-but still as hard to bear. Two years ago, while filming Dead Famous, Gail developed stress-related hair-loss disease alopecia.

Amazingly, she still has her sense of humour. "It's probably a good thing I don't have hair because I don't have any razors any more," she grins.

"When my hair started to fall out I thought, 'You have got to be kidding me'. I thought it was a joke.

"No one knows if it will grow back or not. I'm on a special diet and every time I see the doctor he asks me, 'Is it working?' I point to my head and say, 'Well, obviously, it's not but I'm still trying'.

"I dream about having hair. In one I had a lovely fringe and I was admiring it and then I woke up and I realised I was still bald. It's gone completely at the moment. From everywhere including my eyebrows, arms and legs. But on the plus side, I save a fortune on waxing!"

Gail has even discovered a new direction in her TV career through her baldness.

"When I was blonde I wasn't taken seriously. Now it's taken me to lose my hair and suddenly I'm a spokesperson on a number of issues and taking part in highbrow debates."

The one-time ladetten - who once had her naked bum beamed on to the Houses of Parliament to promote a lads' mag - says: "I'm happier with the work I get now. I've done documentaries as a nurse, and travelled to Cambodia to look at foreign adoption."

Gail finally stopped self-harming in January when she had a vision of her five-year-old daughter while cutting herself.

She shudders: "Suddenly I thought of Honey and said, 'What am I doing?' It feels good to have gone eight months without hurting myself."

Now Gail feels her life is back on the up again. She even revealed that she's been having dates with her ex, James. "We've been through a lot but we'll wait and see. I worry about saying too much in case it doesn't work out but I hope it does.

"Honey loves him and Dan likes him. It's not just about me any more. You have to please the daughter and the ex-husband."

And she reckons writing her book has helped her put her problems into perspective. She explained: "Putting it down in black and white made me think, 'why do I do that?'

"Now I see how stupid it is. If anyone was ever tempted to try what I did I would say don't. Try to get help. It's not worth it."