Extracts from Patrick Swayze's searingly honest book

"Facing your mortality is the quickest way to find out what you are made of. It strips away the bullshit.. exposes your soul"

NEAR MISS: Patrick almost lost Ghost role opposite Demi, he reveals in new book

LAST PICTURE: Patrick in Los Angeles three weeks ago

SO CLOSE: Lisa and Patrick fought battle together

LOVING CHILDHOOD: With family

By Douglas Wight, 20/09/2009

FIGHTING cancer has been the most challenging and eye-opening experience I have ever had.

It has sent me on an emotional journey deeper than anything I've felt before.

Facing your own mortality is the quickest way possible to find out what you're made of.

It strips away all the bullshit and exposes every part of you - your strengths and weaknesses, your sense of self. Your soul.

When it happened to me in late December 2007, life was looking pretty good. I had just wrapped shooting on the pilot of a new TV series, The Beast.

My wife Lisa and I were enjoying a second honeymoon of sorts after a difficult period in which we had grown apart. And I was feeling excited about new work, new directions, the future.

Lisa and I were planning to spend New Year's Eve at our ranch in New Mexico - but first, we stopped off in Aspen to visit friends.

Wrong

It was there that I got the first hint something was wrong.

I had been having digestive trouble, mostly acid reflux and a bloated feeling, for a few weeks. I've always had a sensitive stomach so I hadn't thought much of it, but lately I just couldn't shake the constant discomfort.

In Aspen, we had a champagne toast. I took a sip, and nearly choked - it burned like acid going down. I'd never felt anything like it.

But I said nothing to Lisa. I was used to ignoring pain, so I didn't think anything more about it.

A couple of weeks later, I noticed something else strange, in the bathroom. It's embarrassing to say, but my urine was very dark, and my stool was very pale. I told Lisa: "Something really weird is going on." She asked if anything else wasn't right. "Do my eyes look yellow?" I asked. "Yes," she said.

Scans

I could tell by the look on her face that she was concerned. She was adamant I see the doctor the next day. He immediately ordered CAT scans, blood tests and a urine test. He knew something was up.

One showed my levels of bilirubin (an orange-yellow pigment in bile) were very high. We asked what might be the cause and he gave us a shortlist - one was pancreatic cancer, another was pancreatitis, which is serious, but treatable.

"It's probably pancreatitis," I told Lisa, trying to reassure not only her but myself, too.

Later that day, a CAT scan revealed a mass on my pancreas. This was very bad news, though it still didn't mean I definitely had cancer. The doctors would need to do an endoscopic procedure to find out. It was scheduled for four days time. We spent those four days at home in a fog, trying to keep our emotions in check while inside we were starting to panic.

When the endoscopy went ahead, the surgeon couldn't get the scope down to my bile duct because my stomach was very enlarged.

At this point, they were almost certain what was wrong. As I lay in the recovery room, two doctors told Lisa: "We're 99 per cent sure he's got pancreatic cancer." Lisa later told me she went completely numb.

Severe

When I woke up, I had cramps so severe the doctors ordered me to spend the night in the hospital. Lisa came in, but decided she wouldn't tell me about the cancer right away.

She wanted me to have one last night of 'normal' life before our hardest fight began. She told me she loved me, and spent the night by my side. The next morning, the surgeon came in to give me the diagnosis. When he told me I had pancreatic cancer my first thought was, 'I'm a dead man'. The only thing I'd ever heard about pancreatic cancer was that it's incurable and kills you very quickly.

I stared at him in shock. I had gone in for a simple gastrointestinal procedure, then - surprise! You could be dead before springtime! Fear sliced through me.

I had been so excited about the upswing my life was on. Now it all seemed like a cruel joke. I didn't know where I would find the strength to deal with this. And neither did Lisa. She has always been so strong - but after the surgeon left, she broke down and cried.

She crawled into the hospital bed with me, buried her head in my neck, and said: "I can't do this, Buddy (Patrick's nickname). I can't do it. You can ask me for anything else, but please don't ask me to do this." I held her tightly and we wept together.

At that moment, as she lay sobbing in my arms, I felt as alone as I'd ever felt. I knew I'd have to find a way to fight this thing, but the very thought of it exhausted me.

There was one last sliver of hope. If the cancer hadn't spread, the doctors said it might be possible to operate. That hope came crashing down the next day, when another CAT scan showed it had already spread to my liver. I had what they call Stage 4 cancer, the worst possible.

A lot of things go through your head when you get a death sentence handed to you, starting with Why Me? What did I do to deserve this?

Diagnosis

In those first few weeks after my diagnosis, amid the whirlwind of figuring out treatments, I struggled, with Lisa's help, to make sense of what was happening to me. Trying to counteract all the negative emotions welling up - anger, bitterness, despair - I thought to myself, "I've had more lifetimes than any ten people put together, and it's been an amazing ride. So this is OK".

I was trying to find a way to accept what was going on, but then I just couldn't. I wasn't ready to go, and I was damned if this disease was going to take me before I was good and ready. So I said to my doctor, "Show me where the enemy is, and I will fight him".

I wanted to understand exactly what I was up against so I could go after this cancer rather than waiting for it to beat me. And in the year and a half since my diagnosis, that's exactly what I've done, with every ounce of energy I have. I've never been one to dwell in the past, so spending time with Lisa looking back at our lives has been really illuminating. The one thing I realised is that no matter what happened, we never, ever gave up - on each other, or on our dreams.

LIFE PARTNER: Dancing with Lisa in 1973

From the start of my treatment, we did all our own home care - injections, intravenous nutrition, everything - because we didn't want an at-home nurse.

We wanted life to go on as normally as possible. I wanted to live and enjoy life rather than feeling like a full-time patient.

That's why I decided to go ahead with filming a full series of The Beast - 13 episodes. And the executives at the Arts & Entertainment network, to their credit, said yes - depending on how my chemotherapy went. Chemotherapy was hell on wheels, and it got worse the longer it went on.

The cancer also caused all kinds of trouble with my digestive system. I spent many nights curled up on the bathroom floor, desperate for the pain to pass.

But although I felt nauseated, bloated, and cramped most of the time, there was at least one side effect I didn't suffer: I managed to keep my hair.

Vowed

As Lisa and I headed up to Chicago to begin shooting in the late summer of 2008, I vowed to myself that no one on the set would ever know if I was feeling in pain.

I was going to shoot this whole series, doing my own stunts, right into the Chicago winter.

Being on the set was incredibly energizing. I was happy to be working again, focusing on something other than the continuing fight against cancer. I worked 12 to 18-hour days, jumping and fighting my way through action sequences.

There were tough moments when I had to overcome pain, nausea, and fatigue. But some days were good.

Once a crew member said to me, "I can't believe you're able to do all this".

I continued with chemotherapy all the way through the shoot, but I never took any painkillers, since they dull your sharpness. By the ninth episode, I didn't know if I could finish, as the bad days were really, really bad. But quitting was not an option. I dug far deeper than I ever had - and pushed through to finish the season.

In some ways, I've always felt as if I was living on borrowed time. I've cheated death more times than I can count. There's something in the Swayze make-up that loves risk, and God knows I've embraced my share over the years.

The months I've spent fighting this cancer have been an emotional roller-coaster. There are days when I feel determined to live until a cure is found, and truly believe I can do it.

And there are days when I'm so tired, I just don't know how I can keep on going. But I have to. I have to keep moving forward as if there's a long future for me. As if this is beatable. I'll just be damned if this son of a bitch is going to beat me. It's trying to kill me, but I'm going to return the favour.

In the summer of 2008, just before we went to Chicago, Lisa and I renewed the vows we'd made to each other 33 years before. We invited close friends and family members. I rode in on a white stallion, and together Lisa and I recited the vows we'd each written. As she finished saying the words she'd written for me, tears came to my eyes.

It was one of the happiest days of my life. And it made me more determined than ever to have as many more beautiful days together with her as I possibly could.

© Troph Productions, Inc. 2009. Extracted from The Time Of My Life by Patrick Swayze and Lisa Niemi, to be published by Simon & Schuster UK Ltd. on September 29 at £17.99. To buy it for £16.19 (with free P&P) call 0845 271 2137 or visit notwbookshop.co.uk

Your comments

This article has 36 comments

patrick swayze was one if not the most remarkable person i have ever seen. he has been my favorite actor since i can remember...i almost felt as if i knew him. his acting was as if it wasnt even scripted he was so genuine and great...he had a heart of gold and a personality to match it...when i found out about his cancer i had no doubt in my mind he would fight til the end..and his love for lisa is something that we all should hope for..patrick you are such a beautiful person inside and out..i know your smiling down on us from heaven. we love u very much. it feels as if a hole was placed in my heart when he passed i cried for days on end...but i know hes happy and in a better place now..never stop dancing patrick...you are so so so so loved and missed very dearly..i will always love you..R.I.P angel

By loved and lost.. Posted December 1 2009 at 8:17 AM.

Patrick was such a kind person and truly a professional. His death has brought grief to many people. His wife is such a courageous person to have taken care of him with such a catastrophic illness.I truly admire and respect her and my hope is that she will have some peace with the wonderful memories of the time she had with Patrick. My prayers will remain with her and his family.
God bless them all.

By ava herring.. Posted October 24 2009 at 8:35 PM.

I went to Greece to spend a week on the beach, and partly to come to terms with my brother's newly diagnosed pancreatic cancer. On our last day, I went into a bar and found this article. It makes me feel more ready for this Time of Our Lives.

By Rob.. Posted October 5 2009 at 6:41 PM.

My husband has pancreatic cancer which is inoperable. We are living each day more devoted to each other than ever. What a horrible disease. So I will always relate his illness to Patrick's.

By Barbara.. Posted September 30 2009 at 12:14 AM.

I am all ready missing wrighting to you patrick and lisa ii think that you are a remarkable person patrick for what you have been through there was a picture of patrick in the paper on the sunday the 13th of september he was at the petrol station with is brother don walking with hus black bag in his left hand and i really did think that was a good thing that the drugs must be doing something good but what i didnt now at the time that the picture was taken three weeks ago and that night i was on the internet till about 2in the morning and as i was closing the net iseen breaking news that patrick swayze has died well i was in bits i cryd myself to sleep and the next day but patrick you will be missed all over the world because i now i am missing you all the world love you loads patrick swayze R.I.P buddy and my thoughts go out to you lisa after being together after all those years it must be really hard for you to anyway i will close my letter now by saying good night god bless you always patrick because when i look up at the sky i will be looking out for you and good night to lisa and family

By karen butler.. Posted September 25 2009 at 3:08 AM.

My mother died of Pancreatic cancer nearly 10 years ago- I still miss her terribly. Reading this extract from Patrick really brought it all back- like Patrick she went into hospital with, in her case, a swollen leg (DVT) and came out with a death sentence. Shocking and so hard to deal with for us all. My heart goes out to Lisa for having had to go through this too, though it was wonderful Patrick managed to fight so long, for my mother it was too late and she died 4 months later. R.I.P Patrick you were a beautiful soul.

By Tara.. Posted September 23 2009 at 2:41 PM.

i have always been a fan of Patricks, and I want to tell Lisa how I admire her, she stood by the man she loved. My heart goes out to her for her loss, and I hope eventually she will remember only the goods times.

By elizabeth wright.. Posted September 22 2009 at 4:21 PM.

I lost my wife through breast cancer 5 years ago and reading this made me appreciate her even more. Our twin daugthers are now 8 years old and i will tell them tonite about this article. Thank you Patrick. HAMBA KAHLE ( GO WELL)

By ernest.. Posted September 22 2009 at 8:50 AM.

We loved you and we will always love you! My heart goes out to his soulmate Lisa.
Patrick will stay in our hearts forever.
In heaven there is peace for you.
You will be missed deeply.

By Dimone.. Posted September 21 2009 at 7:15 AM.

I can't believe we lost Patrick Swayze!
Such a wonderful actor and person!

This story should warn all young people that smoking
is dangerous and not glamorous!
All through this cancer crisis for Patrick I could only
think "if only Patrick Swayze had never smoked".

We might have had Patrick for many more years.

By Diane.. Posted September 21 2009 at 7:07 AM.

I remember watching dirty dancy for the 10th or 15 th time with my Russian colleages in St. Petersburg, Russia in 1998. It was dubbed over in Russian. They loved Patrick. It didn't matter that his country and their's were juxtapositioning for influence in the Balkans or Eastern Europe.
They saw his human spirit; and the simple message of good overcoming evil coupled with some 'wicked'
bump and grind movements transcended world politics.
It was a moment I would always remember.
RIP Patrick.
You did good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By Desree.. Posted September 21 2009 at 3:00 AM.

you were and still are a legend ..god bless and bless your wife too xxxx

By debbie.. Posted September 21 2009 at 3:00 AM.

Devastating news that Patrick Swayze finally lost his very very very brave & fantastic fight, I thought he'd really beaten it after seeing that documentary a few weeks ago. Patrick, you've left a big hole in this world, you are a beautiful soul. How can we POSSIBLY watch "Ghost" now, it will be unbearable. God bless you Patrick for giving us such joy and happiness & tears. I pray to God that your Wife Lisa finds comfort in the future by watching that film, much luv & thorts to her xx

By geraldine.. Posted September 21 2009 at 12:50 AM.

i first saw u act in north & south miniseries on tv in 1985 when i was 14 years old. & since then ave watched every thing u ave been in. u were a great actor & will be sadly missed by all your fans around the world. god bless your wife & family at this sad time xxx

By cheryl.. Posted September 20 2009 at 10:48 PM.

such very sad news. fought to the very end with such bravery. cant begin to imagine what his wife must be feeling after being together for so long, my thoughts and sympathy go out to her and the family. your memory will live on in your films, rest in peace patrick. xxxx

By Tracey.. Posted September 20 2009 at 10:50 PM.

R.I.P Patrick Swayze, one of the most talented actors i had come to see in some of my favourite films, Dirty Dancing being my favourite of all, the way you danced had me mesmorized, you will be sadly missed.

By Danielle Foy.. Posted September 20 2009 at 9:59 PM.

god bless you, you were a remarkable man.
you will be sadly missed..

By mandi.. Posted September 20 2009 at 9:01 PM.

rest in peace Patrick, you will be sadly missed as you were an inspiration to us all and not to metion incredibly talented. i hope you are dancing with the angels sweetheart. Love you always x x x x liz

By liz clancy.. Posted September 20 2009 at 7:19 PM.

so sad you were awonderfull .man husband acter.you have been so brave a bundle of courage .so proud and so brave .my thoughts are with your loverly lisa ,she must be so devastated and lost without you, and your hourses they will allso be sad.they will notice you are not there.god bless you patrick sleep well.your star will shine on us .we will never forget that proud man.

By jean welding.. Posted September 20 2009 at 6:26 PM.

i cannot express at what a sad loss this is esp to his wife lisa and to all his fans world wide i have been dreading this day !!!!! and im only a fan and have been for many many years way before dirty dancing ,you were such a brave man to fight this awful disease and all the pain that goes with it you will live on in your films forever and i dont think for one moment thatt no one will ever forget what a determined and talented man you were godbless xxx

By michelle hammond.. Posted September 20 2009 at 4:55 PM.

patrick a very brave man who will be so sadly missed by every 1 and my thoughts are with lisa god bless

By linda.. Posted September 20 2009 at 3:02 PM.

RIP Patrick you will be sadly missed i also lost my husband to cancer aged 61.you were a great star loved your films Ghost and Dirty dancing fondest wishes to your wife Lisa

By val.. Posted September 20 2009 at 1:47 PM.

Rest in peace Patrick,life is too short, people should live their lives for now ,some people in the west complain about this and that everyday ,their is no guarantee for life just because you are born in a rich country(the west).People in the west complain a lot and they forget to enjoy the gift of life.there is no guarantee for life no matter what your race is we are all human and death as sad as it is ,should make us see that .The greatest challenge we are all going to face in our lives is not how many illegal or legal immigrants are coming in ones country,which must have clothes to buy,which meal to have( chinese ,indian ,greek ,etc) facing death will be greatest challenge of all and it will be final.peace and love for all the human beings on earth.

By stella bavi.. Posted September 20 2009 at 12:37 PM.

RIP mate, you were a truly remarkable men and will sadly be missed.

By mandy.. Posted September 20 2009 at 12:20 PM.

Thank you Patrick for bringing us, among others, Miss Vida Boheme, Sam Wheat & my favourites Orry Main & Johnny Castle.
Thank you so much for the memories, thinking of Lisa & family.
May you dance in Heaven forever xx

By Karen.. Posted September 20 2009 at 12:13 PM.

Seriously, try watching ghost now, if you cried at the end before, god knows what it'll be like watching it now. 1 of the best films ever.

By David Wren.. Posted September 20 2009 at 11:48 AM.

The most amazing actor/dancer patrick swayze gone home .

He wont be suffering anymore he is dancing in heaven now and is smiling.

Its amazing , the love inside you , take it with you Patrick .

thinking of patrick's family and know he is safe now .

He will be very much missed and will always be remembered in years to come .

God bless Patrick xx x x x x

By Vonnie.. Posted September 20 2009 at 10:59 AM.

the world will not be the same any more, we lost an incredible man , you were truly the best in everything you did, condolences to your wife lisa and family, we all have wonderful memories of you to look back on, R I P patrick, you will never be forgotten xxx

By yvonne woodgate.. Posted September 20 2009 at 10:50 AM.

When I heard patrick had died I could not stop crying I only watched the film ghost a few weeks ago. My dad died of cancer 3 years ago and I miss him so much and at such a young age ,and to read about the loss brought back memories. Patrick was an amazing actor, dancer and singer and he will always have 'The time of his life in heaven' rest in peace patrick and hope your wife Lisa will find comfort in the memories you shared together. I would also like to wish all those people from around the world who have lost and loved somone dear to the dreaded C word Cancer to find hope in something.

By EBONY .. Posted September 20 2009 at 10:10 AM.

my thoughts are with lisa and family at this time he was a good dancer and actor he,ll remembered by his films dirty dancing and ghost and other films too he,ll bright star in the sky

By elvia willems.. Posted September 20 2009 at 10:08 AM.

Have to say brought tears to my eyes. RIP Patrick.

By kev.. Posted September 20 2009 at 3:50 AM.

I prayed so hard and so much for Patrick Swayze, i really did, kept hoping that God would give him more time. He was one of my favorite actors, and fine as he could be. I loved the way he danced. I looked at Ghost and Dirty Dancing so much this past weekend. Hollywood is no joke, they just don't give the good actor a lot of parts that they truly deserve. May God Rest His Soul, I will miss him in the movies, but i will always watch my movies. I going to look into getting his book, him and his wife wrote. I know he did some Western Movies, i believe, and i will look into purchasing those.

By Bobbie.. Posted September 20 2009 at 1:17 AM.

I TOO LOST MY HUSBAND TO PANCREATIC CANCER.
YOU HAVE TO FIGHT, MY HUSBAND DID AND HE WAS A REAL FIGHTER. SORRY TO HAVE LOST A FRIEND, HUSBAND AND FATHER. THINKING OF YOU ALL UP THERE IN HEAVEN.

By KAREN DRENNAN.. Posted September 20 2009 at 12:17 AM.

Love is all we have, and I believe that Patrick left alot of love behind in his well-lived life and took the rest with him to the other side. God rest his soul...

By Susan.. Posted September 20 2009 at 12:09 AM.

A true remarkable and beautiful man to face death the way he did with dignity and courage, He will be sadly missed.

By Sue.. Posted September 20 2009 at 12:01 AM.

A true remarkable and beautiful man to face death the way he did with dignity and courage, He will be sadly missed.

By .. Posted September 19 2009 at 11:58 PM.

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Extracts from Patrick Swayze's searingly honest book

"Facing your mortality is the quickest way to find out what you are made of. It strips away the bullshit.. exposes your soul"

FIGHTING cancer has been the most challenging and eye-opening experience I have ever had.

Wrong

Scans

Severe

Diagnosis

Vowed

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