QM2'S the ROYAl deal

THERE are few better bargains in world cruising than . . . a trip on the Queen Mary 2.

Yes, really. Far too many people don't bother to pick up the brochures or visit the Cunard website because they think they won't be able to afford it.

Then they end up paying at least as much, if not more, for a lesser trip.

Take this month, for example. On October 15, to mark her fifth anniversary, Queen Mary 2 will sail around the most varied island coastline on earth - Britain.

A cabin for two on the eight-night trip would have set you back £935 per person. Not the cheapest holiday but it's still less than £120 a night each including ALL your meals and on-board entertainment on a vessel that's as luxurious as a five-star hotel.

Also in October, you can take the Rolls Royce of voyages - the grand transatlantic crossing from Southampton to New York. A cabin with a balcony starts at £806 per person - which includes your air fare back from New York. So if you delay the return you can end your cruise with a very cheap break in the Big Apple for only the price of the hotel.

What also gives people pause for thought before they consider a QM2 cruise are questions such as: Will it be too posh? What will I have to wear? The food may be free but will the drinks cost me a small mortgage?

Posh

All the questions we had, in fact. So for anyone who's never cruised before and wants to start at the very top here's a quick guide . . .

PACKING: This is probably the trickiest bit. Within reason, there's no weight restriction, but if you're coming back from anywhere by plane, you will have a limit.

No doubt about it, the QM2 is posh. If you don't want to dress up for dinner, find another ship. There are formal and semi-formal nights. The former means black tie for men and evening dresses for women, and men will still need a jacket for the latter.

During the day, casual is fine. Lots of people wear tracksuits, for example (and three times round the deck is a bracing mile).

GETTING ON BOARD: Your first sight of QM2 at the dockside is awesome. She's more than 3½ times as long as Big Ben is high (and with a hooter that's audible for 10 miles!) Every bit of her is gleaming.

Then comes a rather strange bit - you head into a giant shed the size of a small aircraft hangar. Here they take your luggage then usher you to airline-type check-in desks where you give your credit card details (for any extras such as drinks) and they hand you a plastic card that you use to charge your purchases on board.

Then, it's into a dockside reception area until you're called forward.

From here on it's luxury all the way. You arrive on board amidships (about halfway along the ship to the rest of us) in a shopping mall. The walls are coated in beaten bronze. The floors are marble. You realise you're standing on a balcony and that there are floors below you and above. Downstairs, you can look down on an orchestra playing. And it's not a small orchestra.

IS THERE ENOUGH TO DO? The crew (more than 1,200 of them) reckon it takes passengers about two days to stop getting lost, but once you get the hang of where the lifts are, and which decks your favourite bits are on, you'll be fine.

This is a seriously big ship though. There are ten restaurants, a casino, the only planetarium at sea, a full-sized theatre where they stage plays and music shows, a disco, virtual reality golf, a basketball court, a book shop, a gym, a spa, a pub, the biggest ballroom afloat - even bingo if that takes your fancy. Plus the swimming pools, sun decks and drinks lounges etc.

Every night, you get a list in your cabin of what's happening the next day - it covers at least two pages.

EATING: There's a lot of it. Every menu has a "Spa" alternative, which is the healthy option. So, of course, you'll be choosing that. And pigs might fly.

Basically, the level of cabin you book determines where you generally eat. The poshest (which goes with the most expensive cabins) is the Queen's Grill. Next is the Princess Grill, then there's the Britannia Restaurant. Then there are are other restaurants where anyone can eat.

Finest

And we're happy to report that the Britannia Restaurant looks like everything you ever expected from a cruise liner - and somewhere you'll feel at home wearing your finest togs. Three decks high with great sweeping staircases, polished wood everywhere - it really is the business.

As for a sample menu, try duck and foie gras terrine with a fig and mango compote to start, roast duck, orange sauce, hazelnut croquettes and a Grand Marnier sauce for mains and a seven-layer apple and molasses gateau for afters.

Sometimes the food was so much we skipped the posh stuff and headed for the buffet restaurants for a bowl of pasta. Drinks are about the same price as at a reasonably smart pub-restaurant, but you won't get stung. There are plenty of bottles of wine at dinner for around £20.

Just a word of advice though. When you book, you'll be asked if you want to share a table with others.

This can be a good idea for interesting conversation, but if you've saved up hard for the more expensive cabin classes, beware of sharing rounds with some serious high rollers who might want to start on the good champagne!

Only twice were we really taken aback at the prices - the cost of photos taken by the roving on-board photographers (which you don't have to buy) and the limos they offer to take you from the harbour to the centre, say, of New York.

Take a taxi and save yourself enough to have a decent meal for two in the city.

But these are relatively minor issues. The point is, this is a big holiday for special occasions.

Will it make you feel special? Oh yes. With bells on.

Getting there

THE QM2 will cross the Atlantic 21 times in 2010 with a choice of either a six or seven-day crossing.

Fares start from £999 per person and include flights to or from New York. Visit www.cunard.co.uk or call 08450 710300.

• THE INCREDIBLE HULL

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