Lover won't dump his 'fragile' wife

I'M in love with a married man who says he can't leave his wife for me because she's "fragile".

There are no children involved and he's promised to leave her one day when he thinks she can cope with it - but I've been seeing him for three years now and am fed up having my life on hold waiting for him.

Will he ever leave her?

TRACEY SAYS: Probably not - and even if he does, it's unlikely it'll work out long term.

Why? Because once the affair is out in the open, many people find the appeal was the affair itself, rather than the person.

He is in a genuinely enviable position. His wife offers security and stability - you offer excitement and great sex. Why choose just one when you can have both? He might tell you he's torn emotionally but the stark reality is 44 per cent of men who have extra-marital sex report slight or no emotional involvement with their mistresses.

Only 11 per cent of women say the same. If a woman cheats on her husband, it usually is because her marriage is in trouble.

Your lover's reason for not leaving his wife for you - because she's "fragile" - may or may not be true. It's certainly a convenient way to stop you demanding anything of him because it makes you look bad forcing him to leave when she's such a frail, sorry little thing. A bit like asking him to kick a puppy.

It smells like a story to me. He implies he's the nice guy, looking after her by not leaving but he's cheated on her for three years with you! People have affairs to get something they're not getting from the relationship they're in. So find out what you give him that she doesn't. If it's something truly important and not just great fellatio, you might have a chance.

One of the things people like best about affairs is the chance to reinvent themselves. The more you make him feel he can be this "new" person, 24/7, the more likely he is to want to leave her.

I want sex with hair

MY ex and I used to have quite wild sex and she loved me pulling her hair and getting a little rough. I loved doing it too but she was the one who suggested it first.

I'd like to try it with my new girlfriend but I'm a little concerned she might think I'm odd if I suggest it or do it. I'm really into her and don't want to put her off me - or for it being taken the wrong way.

TRACEY SAYS: If your girlfriend is a feisty, lusty female rather than a prudish, squeamish girly-girl, it's unlikely to shock her.

She might not be into it, but hair-pulling (as opposed to brutal yanking!) isn't dodgy enough behaviour to make her look at you with new, horrified eyes.

Loads of women are into having their hair pulled and the use of mock force. It feeds into the primitive part of our brain which wants Me-Jane, You-Tarzan sex and it overrides any "nice girls don't" thing (he's so strong, you couldn't possibly stop him).

Though it does not, I repeat, does not, indicate any desire for a man to be violent.

Sex and pain have always been linked which is why we often leave love bites and back scratches behind. How to suggest it? The next time you're having sex and/or kissing erotically, grab her hair to make a ponytail in one hand and hold it quite tightly.

If there's no adverse reaction, tug it gently so she's forced to lift her chin and expose her throat (which naturally you'll ravish with your lips and tongue).

Does she lean into you and seem aroused? Or say "Ouch!" and glare at you. If women don't like rough sex, most will let you know about it!

If the hair pulling goes well, try putting your hands around her waist and pulling her quite forcefully toward you down the bed. Another green light? She's up for it - but it's wise to keep on checking she's happy during any type of rough sex, especially at the start.

He used a hooker

I WENT on an internet date with a guy recently and it was all going really well until he dropped an absolute clanger.

He told me he'd slept with a prostitute during a "dry spell". He was single at the time but it's completely put me off him. I don't understand why he would do that - or why he'd tell me on a first date.

TRACEY SAYS: While it's certainly unusual to 'fess up to sleeping with a sex worker on a first date, you have to at least applaud the guy in one sense!

What he did is a lot more honest, for instance, than picking up some girl in a bar, having sex, promising to call and then never doing so.

He obviously got on with you well and trusted you to share that information (assuming it wasn't a drunken slip rather than a calculated confession). Did he tell you during a conversation about coping with being single or was it done to titillate and perhaps test how adventurous you were sexually?

If it was the latter, I understand why you were offended. If it was the former, he's guilty of misjudging your personal morals. Why would he do it? Politicians, actors, footballers, judges, doctors and half the men you and I know will probably visit a sex worker during their life.

They claim it's often not desperation which sends them there but curiosity - among other things. Prostitutes are "forbidden" (i.e. a turn on) and men can do naughty things they wouldn't dream of suggesting to a girlfriend.

Some people believe that men visiting sex workers under any circumstances degrades women - and street level prostitution is certainly sad. But other women choose prostitution, rather than being forced into it, and work as escorts to service men who want no-strings sex or find it hard to get sex.

Were you offended because you felt he was degrading women by doing this? Fair enough. Or was it because only "desperate" men visit sex workers? If it's the latter you're sadly mistaken.

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