Grappling with a secret fetish

I'VE been married for four years and the sex is pretty good but I recently fulfilled a fetish of mine - which was to be pinned to the ground by a physically stronger woman.

I found a website which caters for this and when my wife was away, I booked a session. I really enjoyed it but worry this counts as cheating, even though there was no sex.

My wife and I had the best sex we've had in ages afterward because it turned me on so much. My question is: is it wrong to book another session or will it help my sex life?

TRACEY SAYS: Tell your wife about your "wrestling" fantasy and that you've found a site that could help fulfill it and see what her reaction is.

If she's broad-minded and assured it doesn't involve any type of sexual contact, she might indulge you. What I wouldn't encourage you to do is continue doing it behind her back, even if it does spice things up. I always think the definition of cheating is this: "Would your partner be upset if they caught you doing it? If the answer is yes, it's cheating.

You've fulfilled your fantasy. Can you not just use it as fantasy fodder and replay the scene in your head during sex with your wife?

He won't have sex

MY husband and I are both in our fifties and our sex life is non-existent. Other than this, we're really happy.

I've tried talking to him about it. I have asked if he's no longer interested in me that way or if he has someone else and he always reassures me that he loves me very much.

But, no matter what I say, nothing seems to work and I'm getting increasingly fed-up. There is nothing physically wrong with him and we have no worries over work or money. What do I do?

TRACEY SAYS: Contrary to popular opinion that has the wife in rollers turning to face the wall, it's often the man who decides to stop having sex in long-term relationships.

We just don't hear about it because no-one talks about it.

There are many reasons why this happens. You don't mention what your sex life was like before but if your husband has never had a particularly high libido, ageing doesn't help. Levels of testosterone fall and he may be experiencing erection problems (common in your 50s) but be too embarrassed to tell you.

Encourage him to get a full medical, including a check of testosterone levels (supplements can make quite a difference). Once he's been given the all-clear, try a different approach. Don't wait for him to initiate sex, just do it.

Encourage him to have sex. Simply having sex can reignite passion. Also encourage him to tell you what his secret turn-ons are and indulge them if you can or at least recreate a sense of them.

Domesticity dampens desire for a lot of men and he may need the promise of a spicy, fresh scenario to get his interest (and him) aroused.

If all else fails, why not see a sex therapist together? You can find one through the British Association for Sex and Relationship Therapists.

Proposal falls flat

MY boyfriend of three years has finally asked me to move in but he did it in such an unromantic way, I'm worried he only means for us to be flat mates!

He said it made sense to move in because we're wasting money renting two places - nothing about wanting to share his life with me. We haven't discussed marriage but I would like to think this is a precursor to it.

TRACEY SAYS: Would you describe him as romantic otherwise?

If the answer is no, could be he's just not comfortable making flowery speeches and felt less anxious presenting it as "it makes financial sense" than he did confessing undying love.

Just because he didn't say it, doesn't mean he's not feeling it. But I certainly would make sure that you're both on the same page before moving in.

It's totally acceptable to ask where he thinks the relationship is going three years in.

Tell him you're thrilled to move in with him but would like to think it's a trial run for marriage. Does he see it that way?

Her family ultimatum

MY fiancée doesn't get on with my family and it has turned quite nasty.

She's not talking to them and has issued an ultimatum, saying I must choose between her or them.

I've never had this problem before with other girlfriends and think she's over-reacted to things my family said in jest but didn't mean to be taken seriously. What should I do?

TRACEY SAYS: Tell her to stop behaving like a spoilt teenager for starters! What an outrageous and ridiculous ultimatum!

She supposedly loves you, yet wants you to promise never to see your family, who you clearly love dearly?

Quite frankly, unless my family had been horribly out of line, this would make me question the whole relationship.

If you still want to proceed, tell her that what she is asking for is impossible.

Tell her your family are as important to you as she is and you need to have an honest and practical chat about how to make it work so everyone can be happy.

She doesn't have to love your family - or they her - but they both do need to be respectful of your situation.

Do yourself a favour, by the way, and don't tell your family she asked you to make this choice because she certainly won't be up for any Favourite Daughter or Sister-in-law awards after dropping that little bomb!

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