She's moved her ex into our spare room
Our Agony Aunt answers your intimate sex problems.
DEAR JANE: MY partner has moved her ex- lover into our spare room and I think they've resumed their affair.
Five years ago she told me she'd been having sex with a work colleague. This bloke was only 20 at the time, whereas she was 27.
I think she only told me because she was pregnant with his baby.
I was shocked, but not surprised. Things had not been right between us for a while. She had seemed distant and not that interested in sex - not with me, anyway.
We did a lot of talking and she said it was just a fling, and swore it was over.
It was an awful time but I agreed to forgive her and bring the baby up as my own. I didn't want to leave, mainly because of our six- year-old son, but also because I couldn't afford a divorce.
She left her job and we moved to a different area, and eventually we managed to rebuild our relationship.
For a long time I found it hard to make love as I kept imagining her with this other man. But things got better, and when the baby was born she brought us closer together. I grew to love her as my own.
All was well until my partner's ex turned up on the doorstep saying he wanted to see HIS daughter. Instead of telling him to sling his hook my partner let him in, and although she denies it I think they had sex because she looked all wide-eyed and sparky when I got home.
He gave her a hard luck story about being homeless after losing his job. I didn't believe a word of it. He also wants to play a part in our daughter's life, and I hate the idea. The upshot is she said he could move into our spare room until he got himself sorted.
My partner works shifts so she's around sometimes during the day, and I am convinced they jump into bed together as soon as I leave the house.
I have started to hate her for her disrespect towards me, but I don't want to lose the kids so I am saying nothing at the moment.
I don't know how long I can stand living like this, though. What do you think I should do?
JANE SAYS: TELL her you are not putting up with the situation any longer, and give him his marching orders.
Never mind that you're scared of losing her. Chances are you've lost her already as she has no scruples about trampling over your feelings.
Don't hang on in a relationship that is dead for the sake of money or your kids. If you do, your children could end up unhappy, and you'll sentence yourself to a life of misery.
Tell her it's over unless he goes - and mean it. If you don't, you'll probably end up losing her anyway.
Say no to three-way
DEAR JANE: RECENTLY my wife gave me the night of my life when she arranged a threesome for me with her best friend.
We all had a great time, and I got really turned on watching my wife making love with another woman.
Now she has asked if I want another threesome and I jumped at the chance-but this time she wants my best mate to join us.
He fancies my wife like mad and is always going on about how lucky I am, so I'm sure he'd agree, but how do I ask him? I'm not gay so I would rather just watch him making love to her than join in, but will it be awkward afterwards knowing he's had sex with my wife? Any advice?
JANE SAYS: YES - don't do it! Presumably your wife knows this guy fancies her. If you let him into your bed she might start fancying him, too - that is, if she doesn't already, and this is just a ploy to have sex with him.
It is bound to affect your friendship afterwards, especially if either of them wants to do it again and you don't, or if you feel jealous of the sexual spark between them.
Do you really think you can sit back and watch this friend of yours making love to her and not feel jealous?
Stop this while you can, or you may find you live to regret it.
Les not be hasty
DEAR JANE: AS a 22-year-old lesbian, I've just made a fool of myself with a friend at work who I thought was coming on to me but who turned out to be straight.
I was very attracted to her and as she was very touchy-feely and friendly towards me, I thought the attraction was mutual.
She invited me for a meal at her place and, after a couple of glasses of wine, I told her how I felt.
You can imagine my humiliation when she looked embarrassed and said she liked me as a friend, nothing more. I now want to look for another job because I'm sure she's told everyone. She's still as friendly but I try to avoid talking to her. What should I do?
JANE SAYS: YOU'RE taking her rejection personally, whereas it was nothing to do with how she feels about you as a person. You misread her overtures of friendship for something more.
It can happen to anyone - gay, lesbian, or straight. I doubt she's told anyone but even if she has, so what?
Tell her you're sorry and you'd still like to be friends despite your clumsiness. In time, you'll forget it ever happened.
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This article has 2 comments
Lorna Wastall, i think maybe you should get your own agont aunt collum, you have commented on ever artical
By ruby. Posted August 6 2009 at 3:17 PM.
Les not be hasty:
We all have made fools of ourselves in the past, when it comes to finding a partner. Your freind was honest with you, Thanks but no Thanks, basically. Don't take it personally. Enjoy her freindship and her company.
By Lorna Wanstall. Posted June 21 2009 at 9:57 PM.