DEAR JANE: AFTER my lover told my wife we were having an affair, she threw me out. I suppose you'll say I deserve it, but I never meant this to happen.

My wife and I have had a tough year. I was made redundant and our house was repossessed, so we had no option but to live with my in-laws.

My wife and her mother kept nagging me to find work, so I took a temporary job in a café bar. I often had a drink with the rest of the staff after the bar closed, and became friendly with one of the waitresses.

She'd caught my eye because she's bubbly and pretty, and had a great body. She was so sympathetic I found myself telling her about my problems, and she seemed instinctively to understand.

On her birthday she invited us all back to her place for an impromptu party. We had a few drinks and this girl and I kissed and cuddled, and when everyone else left she asked me to stay. I spent the next few hours having the hottest sex I'd ever experienced.

After that we took every opportunity we could to have sex-at work after the bar closed, in the car, or back at her place if I could get away with it. Then my lover began talking about 'our' future. I'd told her I didn't want to break up my marriage, but she seemed to resent my wife and kept asking when I was I going to leave her. I didn't tell her I had no intention of doing that because I didn't want the sex to stop.

One night when I arrived home my mother-in-law met me at the door looking like she wanted to kill me. She said my lover had phoned my wife and told her about our affair, and my wife never wanted to see me again.

She threw a bag of clothes at me and told me to get out. I was so stunned I couldn't speak. I'm staying at my lover's flat because I have nowhere else to go, but I hate her now and plan to dump her as soon as I find somewhere to live.

I love my wife and want her back, but she won't answer my texts and her parents won't let me near her.

How can I get my wife to forgive me?

JANE SAYS: MOVING out of your lover's place would be a start, as there's no hope of a reconciliation while you're living with her. Write to your wife, asking for her forgiveness.

Don't try to excuse what you did, simply say you've been a fool but it's made you realise how much you love her.

If she agrees to talk to you, court her as you did when you first met.

But you're unlikely to get back with her now until you find a new job and somewhere to live.

She won't let dad see me

DEAR JANE: I'M an 11-year-old girl, and my mum and dad are divorced. Last year Dad got a new girlfriend who has two children and they can see their dad whenever they want. But dad's girlfriend won't let him anywhere near my mum and me.

She finishes with him for any reason, even when he called in with a birthday card for me. Whenever she dumps him dad phones mum up and talks for hours, and mum ends up crying.

Now dad's changed his phone number, so I can't phone him any more. I saw him for four hours at Christmas and he was on the phone to his girlfriend most of the time. He's not phoned me since. Today I was out with my mum shopping and I saw him, and he just looked at me.

He won't even talk to me now because of his girlfriend. What should I do? I love him so much.

JANE SAYS: I BET he loves you too, but he's so wrapped up in his own problems he doesn't realise how sad he's making you.

Write him a letter telling him how much you miss him, and hopefully it will prick his conscience so much he'll get in touch. Grown-ups can be very selfish when it comes to relationships. Whatever happens, none of this is your fault.

Forget mummy's boy

DEAR JANE:WHEN I asked my partner to move in with me he told me he couldn't leave his mother. I was upset as I thought we could have a future together, so I finished it.

He begged me to take him back and said he wanted to marry me, and eventually moved in, but never once put his hand in his pocket to help with bills. I so resented this we started arguing, and I told him to get out.

He wanted to sort things out, but I told him he needed to sell the house he owns with his mum so we could buy a house together. He accused me of wanting to chuck her out on the street, and walked out of my life for good. Was I wrong to ask him to commit?

JANE SAYS: NO you weren't. But you must understand that he can't sell the house he owns with his mum without her consent, and maybe she wouldn't agree.

He still seems tied to her, emotionally as well as financially, so the chances are you were always on a hiding to nothing. Cut your losses and move on.