Cricket quickie's back to haunt me

DEAR JANE: A WOMAN I had a fling with years ago has got back in touch-and I'm scared our affair will come to light.

I feel so ashamed when I think about it. At the time my wife was ill with bad depression and her sex drive had disappeared.

But although I was frustrated I never thought about looking elsewhere until this woman came on to me. She's a friend of my wife's, and because her marriage was in trouble she'd flirt with any man she met.

I thought it was just a bit of fun, until one night when I met her at a fund-raising barbecue for the local cricket club. My wife couldn't face going out, but this woman was there and when she saw I was on my own she grabbed me.

She was drunk and started talking about sex, and how she wasn't getting it. She was all over me, and when I tried to fend her off she said we were only having fun and I needed to loosen up. I thought maybe I was being a bit uptight, so when she suggested a walk outside, I agreed.

I should have backed off when she started kissing me and pressing her body against mine, but by then I was so overcome with lust that we ended up having sex behind a tree. It was quick and it satisfied a need, nothing more. She wanted us to go on meeting for sex, but I felt so guilty about what I'd done I said no way. I wanted nothing more to do with her. I was relieved when she and her husband finally split up and she moved away.

That was 10 years ago. A couple of weeks ago my wife had an email from her through Friends Reunited. She said she'd remarried and was moving back to the area, and wanted to meet up. I felt sick when I heard that.

My wife is better now, but if she found out I'd done the dirty on her she may well have a relapse. I tried to persuade my wife to ignore her email, but she insists on contacting her. I am so afraid this woman will say something.

Why has she got in touch? I am wondering if I should contact her and ask her to keep quiet.

JANE SAYS: WHY would she want to stir up trouble after all this time? It's understandable she is looking up all her old friends if she's moving back to the area.

When you and she had a fling she was unhappy and needy, but now she's remarried she's presumably content with her life.

And she's not about to upset her new-found happiness by raking up secrets from the past.

The guilt you still feel is causing you to imagine the worst. Say nothing and behave as though it never happened, and I suspect that she will, too.

Should I bed dying pal?

DEAR JANE: WHEN I arranged to meet up with a guy I had met on the internet I thought I had found someone special.

We had spoken on the phone and exchanged texts, and we seemed to click. But I was so disappointed when we met because there was no sexual chemistry.

I didn't want to hurt him so I agreed to meet him again, which was when he told me he had a terminal illness.

He said every girl he'd met had dumped him when he'd told them that, so I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Now he thinks we are an item, and is asking when we will have sex. I don't fancy him, but I wonder if I should sleep with him because of his circumstances.

JANE SAYS: BE honest and tell him you like him as a person and that you want to remain friends, but that you can't offer him anything more than friendship.

You will hurt him far more in the long run if he discovers you're having sex with him out of pity.

And that would be a soul-destroying experience for you, too.

My wife of violence

DEAR JANE: MY wife has always been possessive and hates me going out without her. But recently her jealousy has become so bad the rows have turned violent.

If I talk to another woman at a party she kicks me viciously, and when we get back home she attacks me.

I try to fend her off, but it is difficult as she is bigger than me. I have had a black eye and other bruising, and it's difficult coming up with a story that my workmates believe. I've also had a cracked rib after she pushed me backwards off my chair. What can I do? The violence is getting worse and I am afraid she might really hurt me.

JANE SAYS: DOMESTIC violence against men is one of the last taboos but it's a growing problem. Tell her she is killing your marriage and she must seek help for her anger and jealousy. Make it clear that you will leave if she attacks you again. The ManKind Initiative (01823 334244) gives advice and support to male victims of domestic violence.

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