Panties in his car backfired on me

By Jane Butterworth, 31/08/2008

Dear Jane

AFTER finding panties in our car I was so convinced my partner was cheating I had sex with a man at work to get back at him.

And now I'm frightened I've wrecked our relationship.

My partner had an eye for the women when I met him, but as soon as we started seeing each other he promised he'd reform.

I thought he had done just that, until recently when I was cleaning out his car and found a pair of crotchless panties stuffed behind the seat. It made me feel sick to touch them. When I showed them to him he went red, and said one of his mates must have put them there as a joke when they were on a stag do.

He swore he was innocent, but I didn't believe him. Well, would you?

So I decided to get even. A guy at work had been asking me out for ages. He's a nice enough bloke but I've always turned him down because I didn't want to cheat.

I started doing some full on flirting with him, and next time he asked me out I said yes. We had a few drinks, and I suggested we went back to his place. He was gobsmacked.

He was obviously confused about why I was suddenly all over him. He even asked me if this was a good idea! I didn't bother replying. I just grabbed hold of him and snogged him, and we ended up having sex.

It wasn't that good, probably because I didn't really fancy him and was only going through the motions. Afterwards I felt cheap, and a bit guilty for leading him on. He didn't deserve it. But it made me feel better for a while because I'd evened up the score. I was nicer to my partner, and we started getting on better.

Until, that is, he saw a text from this guy which made it plain that I'd slept with him. He went absolutely ballistic, and when I told him it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't cheated, he phoned his mate and made me speak to him.

His mate confirmed he'd put the panties in his car as a joke. I had to believe him. My partner has told me he doesn't know if he can forgive me, and goes on and on about me destroying trust. He hates the fact that I see this guy every day at work.

Nothing I say or do seems to make any difference, and I am so afraid he will dump me. Can we get over this?

Jane says...IT will depend on whether he can let it go. At the moment he is angry and hurt, and he wants to hurt you too. But hopefully when it sinks in that it was a knee jerk action that meant nothing rather than a meaningful affair, he may find it easier to forgive you.

This all came about because you didn't trust him enough. to believe him when he said he hadn't been cheating. Reassure him that you were stupid to jump to conclusions, and that but you love him. and don't want to lose him. It will take time to re-establish trust, but if the love is there it's possible.

It might help if you offered to find another job so you don't have to see this other man again.

Watch the making of this sexy Dear Jane episode

Stop office sex pest

Dear Jane I STARTED a new job a few weeks ago and I'm having problems with one of my colleagues. He keeps on making saucy remarks about the length of my skirt and the size of my boobs.

At first I was flattered, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when he does this in front of other people. He gets too close for comfort when he is talking to me, and he finds any excuse to touch me.

He is 40-twice my age-and married. I don't want to rock the boat as he's senior to me and I am still finding my feet, but I want him to leave me alone. How do I go about this without causing an atmosphere?

Night to forget

Dear Jane I BROKE the habit of a lifetime and slept with a man the first night I met him, because I really thought we had something special. That was two weeks ago and I haven't heard from him since. I feel so worthless and wretched, as I really thought this man was the one.

He said he felt something for me even though we'd only just met, and it seemed so right to go back to his place and spend the night making love. We clicked sexually right away. So why hasn't he answered my texts? I feel sad that I got him so wrong.

Jane says...DON'T give yourself a hard time just because you misjudged him. He led you to believe he wanted a relationship, but he was only after sex. When you really fancy someone it's easy to think there is something special between you, but in future it's best to wait until you know someone well before having sex. Then there's no mistakes.

Dear Jane...YOU are always advising people to use protection when they start a new sexual relationship unless they are sure their partner is HIV-free.

But how can someone be sure? My new fella is 28, and has had many more partners than me.

He was quite offended when I asked him to use a condom, as he knows I am on the Pill and assured me he wasn't carrying a sexual disease. How can I ask him to get checked out without offending him further?

Jane says...DON'T mince your words, come right out and TELL him to get checked at his sexual health clinic (www.patient.co.uk for details of clinics) and too bad if he's offended, it's your health that's at risk. Why not offer to get checked out with him? Then you can both start with a clean slate.

Too fat for his fancy

MY husband seems ashamed to be seen with me and I think it's because of my weight. I put on four stone when I was pregnant, and a year after our baby was born I cannot seem to lose it, however much I try.

He never says anything but he doesn't seem so keen on making love, and he never takes me out to places where his friends are.

He ignores me completely when we bump into his work colleagues, and he didn't take me to his office Christmas dinner.

He said it was staff only, but I have since found out that was a lie. It makes me so depressed that he feels this way about me, as I thought that he loved me as a person not for my body. I've tried all sorts of diets but I can't seem to stick to them and I've tried to exercise more. But whatever I do just can't seem to lose and weight. Please help!

Jane says...YOU can-once you make the decision to do so. But do it for yourself, not for him. Joining a slimming club may help. You'll meet other people there and you'll be able to encourage each other to stick to your plan.

Ask your husband if he'll do some sort of regular exercise with you. Even walking half an hour a day will help.

If he can see you're determined to lose the weight he's likely to be supportive.

Dear Jane...AFTER nine months of what I felt was a strong relationship, my boyfriend has told me he needs space. He asked if we can go back to being friends for a few weeks. He says there's every chance we can get back together one day. Can we?

Jane says...When someone says they need space what they really mean is it's over. as far as they are concerned, but they're trying to let you down gently. Don't waste time waiting, for him move on.