Try class of Madeira!

I MIGHT spend most of my life on my big fat one in front of the telly, but I like to think I've tried some exciting holidays in my time.

Canoeing in the South American jungle, dancing my nut off in Ayia Napa, rock-climbing in the south of France or partying hard on countless chic weekend breaks from New York to Monte Carlo.

So after another 13-week stint enduring a bunch of fame-hungry morons shouting at one another in the Big Brother house, I was more than ready to jump on a plane and blast off some cobwebs. Then a double whammy arrived.

I slipped a couple of discs and the wife found out she was pregnant (and before you ask, those two things are sadly not related.)

And that was that. Forget hedonism. One, I could hardly walk, and two, I'm not married to Kerry Katona.

A bittersweet scenario, of course. But then something even more amazing happened.

Garlic

A strange (and, presumably, 86-year-old) voice appeared in my head saying "what you need, sonny, is some winter sun".

And before I knew it I'd booked a week in Madeira.

Yes, Madeira. Timeshares, grey hairs and Stannah deckchairs. Birthplace of Cristiano Ronaldo, of course.

But still best known as the place where old biddies go to drink ludicrously sweet wine.

"I went there once," laughed a mate as I confessed my plan. "It was shut."

But who cares? All I wanted was sunshine, easy sightseeing, a sturdy lounger and some decent books.

And it turns out Madeira ticks all those boxes and quite a few more besides-mainly food-related.

If you like surf and turf your belly's in for a treat.

Rampaging through the many restaurants in and around the island's capital Funchal, I had four or five of the best meals of my life in the space of seven days.

Top of the list? BEEF ESPETADA. Espetada is Portuguese for kebab but this was not like any kebab I'd ever tackled, sober or otherwise.

Six huge chunks of prime fillet dripping in garlic butter, hanging on a hook in front of you at your table saying "eat me, big boy". Staying with beef, the one culinary must-do in Madeira is STEAK ON A STONE.

Basically, a sizzling hot lava stone is brought to your table and you cook your raw steak right there on it.

An absolute treat, made even more enjoyable by the fact that they make you wear a dinner lady's tabard so you don't splatter grease all over your posh holiday gear.

Other dishes you have to try? CATAPLANA, a hearty fish stew served in what looks like a Smash robot's head.

And, of course, the local delicacy ESPADA (scabbard fish), which comes any way you want it and is dubbed "the ugliest fish in the World" (I know, I'd always assumed it was that bloke from Marillion as well.)

Bendy

If you prefer to combine dinner with a night out try one of the Casino Park Hotel's many "extravaganza" shows.

They do everything from an evening of Lloyd Webber to a 60s tribute acts show, which (trust me) has to be seen and heard to be believed.

Or you could head down to Funchal's quaint old town and check out the "fado" at Arsenio's.

Michael Winner loves his dinners at this place, but be warned: Fado is basically Edith (Rene's wife) from Allo, Allo singing mournful songs all night.

Uplifting for some, I'm sure, but I reckon my missus was spot on when she sighed "Blimey, it must be Unhappy Hour".

In truth, there isn't much nightlife in Funchal. Which is why most people take advantage of their hotel's cabaret.

And, man, would Simon Cowell have a field day in this town? Men with dodgy haircuts and even dodgier accents were "really owning that stage".

My particular favourite? A guy who sang the whole of Lady In Red without getting a single word right. Not even the title.

Cabaret aside, there's lots more to see in Madeira. You just have to decide how you want to see it. We went for the round-island coach tour which really does justice to the amazing scenery.

As the bendy roads take you 5,000ft above sea level you experience pretty much every landscape on earth.

One minute you're in a tropical jungle, the next you're on misty heath land half-expecting Mel Gibson to come running towards you in a kilt.

Once you've done that biggish trip there are plenty of smaller excursions to fill your time.

Afternoon tea on the terrace of the posh but not at all snooty Reid's Palace hotel will more than fill a hole until your next espetada. You should also try to spend a morning at the fishing village of Camara De Lobos.

Winston Churchill was so taken with the people and buildings here he would regularly pop down with his easel.

Yeah, apparently he would paint them on the beaches, in the streets, in the fields . . .

Of course the one thing you really must do in Madeira if you're feeling brave is take a cable car to the mountain town of Monte and check out the spectacular view of the bay of Funchal.

Dodgy

And if you're feeling even braver you can hurtle back towards Funchal on a rickety-looking wicker toboggan "driven" by a couple of lively locals.

Did we give it a go?

I was well up for it, of course. But, what with the dodgy back and pregnant wife . . .

Well, you know how it is!

PS: The highlight of the winter season is the legendary fireworks display on New Year's Eve. I might see you there.

Oh, and it isn't just old people who go to Madeira. We saw lots of young couples. Well, youngISH!

GETTING THERE

Our TV critic Ian travelled with Atlantic Holidays and stayed at the 5-star Pestana Carlton Hotel. The company has some fabulous deals for December departures from Gatwick with seven nights B&B at a 3-star hotel from £289pp, 4-star £319 and 5-star £399. They also have seven-night "Christmas Lights In Madeira" packages, departing December 1, 8 and 15 from £459. Regional airport departures at a supplement. Visit www.atlanticholidays.net or call 01452 381888.

* Rated Travel is compiled by Trisha Harbord

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