Love is 1 man, 3 women and a bed built for 5
Alexandra Manning believes she’s found the secret to a perfect relationship – have four lovers! Fabulous delves under the covers of one polyamorous love-in...
Sharing our lives with one other person is enough for most of us to cope with. But when 37-year-old Alexandra Manning goes to bed at night, she climbs under the duvet with four - yes, four - of her many lovers.
Because Alexandra is not interested in being a one-man woman... far from it. Her complex love life is a mind-boggling tangle of relationships with both men and women.
"I find that the more I love, the greater my capacity to love becomes," she explains. "When I care for someone, I want to share them with someone else to show how wonderful they are."
And share she does. Alexandra is currently seeing seven people at the same time. Tiring? Stressful? Not as far as Alexandra's concerned.
She says: "It's unnatural to expect one person to be able to give you everything your heart needs."
Alexandra's romantic liaisons have been unconventional ever since she met her first true love 20 years ago.
"I was 17 when I spotted a gorgeous stranger at a gig. I just knew I had to be with that person," she explains. "I'd been single for a few months since splitting with a boyfriend, so I nervously made my way through the crowd to be introduced."
Alexandra started a relationship with the stranger that night, and that partnership has lasted over 20 years. But there's nothing straightforward about their love story. The stranger was Elizabeth*, 39, and she was Alexandra's first female partner.
"Despite the fact I'd lost my virginity to a boy, it didn't matter that I was falling for a woman," says Alexandra. "I just felt an extraordinary attraction to Elizabeth and I knew I had to be with her."
Around the same time, Alexandra, a film-maker, also started a sexual relationship with Robert, now 54, a director and editor - one which also continues to this day.
Incredibly, Elizabeth and Robert also started having sex - with Alexandra's full consent - and the three lovers often shared a bed.
But the complications don't end there. Today, Alexandra lives with Robert and her three girlfriends, who they've met over the last 15 years - Susan, 33, Carol, 34, and Lucy, 37. They all share a large three-bedroom house in Cornwall - and a vast home-made bed that sleeps five.
Elizabeth, Alexandra's first love, lives next door with her 'wife' Mary. The couple sometimes both sleep with Alexandra, who also has another non-live-in girlfriend of two years, Sarah, 31.
It's an unusual set-up, but one which works for all concerned, insists Alexandra.
"I know it seems strange to most people, but I don't believe monogamous relationships are natural," she says.
Alexandra's story provides a fascinating insight into the extraordinary world of polyamory, the practice of being in more than one intimate relationship at a time with full consent on all sides. Unlike polygamy - which refers to multiple marriages, and usually involves several wives sharing one man - polyamory crosses both genders.
"People tend to assume Robert is some kind of Svengali figure or cult leader with a harem of women," she says. "But that's not the case, and it's disrespectful to the rest of us.
"We're individuals who love each other equally. We have relationships with people outside the group, but at the core are four wonderful people who I adore. We've been together for seven years now and I can't imagine it will ever change."
To outsiders, the situation sounds like a potential breeding ground for resentment and jealousy. But Alexandra, who's an attractive, intelligent woman from a middle-class family of doctors, insists there is no love rivalry.
"No one believes me when I say arguments never crop up, but they don't. If anyone felt jealous, we'd talk it through. We have one rule: complete honesty. If someone feels left out, they must say so. That way we can change things," she explains.
"The one time I expected to feel jealous was when Elizabeth fell in love with Mary three years after we'd met. She was so important to me, I thought I'd feel envious of another woman, but that didn't happen. I knew I'd never lose Elizabeth, so there wasn't a problem. And I adore Mary."
The others agree that there's no jealously between them. "We have a trust and security I haven't found elsewhere," says Carol. "There's no room for jealousy - we went into this knowing we'd be sharing each other."
"A one-to-one relationship wouldn't work for me," adds Susan. "This arrangement makes me happy."
Alexandra is open about her personal life and says her parents have been supportive of her unusual choices.
"From the moment I first slept with a woman, I knew I'd never go back to sleeping with just men," she says. "Sex with a man is like a big showy thunderstorm, but sex with a woman is like an ocean - there's a depth and subtlety that doesn't exist with a man."
Surely, emotions aside, the practicalities of having so many lovers under one roof must be challenging?
"We all share a bed most nights, but if someone wants to be 'coupley' - say, if I want to be on my own with Carol or Susan - the two of us will sleep in the guest bedroom," says Alexandra.
"But often, the five of us share the big bed in the main room. It's lovely being able to turn over and snuggle up to a different person. We tend not to have sex in the bed at night because everyone joins in, and then you get exhausted through lack of sleep! Instead, we'll have sex in the afternoon or early evening in one of the other rooms."
So what happens when it comes to contraception?
"We're all careful about birth control because none of us wants children," Alexandra explains. "That's not always been the case, though. Three years ago, one of us became broody, I'd prefer not to say who. She was desperate for a baby and so, after much deliberation, we decided to go ahead. But as soon as we'd all agreed Robert could make her pregnant, she backed out. It was as if being given permission to have a baby took away the urge.
"If we'd gone ahead, I think bringing up a child in a large tribe of women would be healthy, but it wouldn't suit our lifestyle. And, let's face it, what would social services say?"
Alexandra paints a picture of domestic harmony in the shared house. She likes to potter around in the garden with Robert, help Carol, a caterer, with the cooking, or do the washing-up with Lucy, who's a camera operator. Meanwhile, Susan, a sound mixer, is often found on the computer.
But might Alexandra want to settle down one day and grow old with just one person?
"Absolutely not," she says. "We've been a fivesome for so long, it would feel odd to be with just one person, man or woman. I couldn't imagine life any other way."
"I think there's something inherently unstable about a couple," adds Robert. "A bunch of people living together makes more sense."
Even though the fivesome are happy with the arrangement, there must surely be disapproval from certain quarters?
"We've been very lucky," says Alexandra. "We live in a fairly liberal, artistic community and it's not as if the five of us walk down the street hand in hand. We occasionally get weird looks if two of the girls are being touchy-feely, but we've never had any abuse.
"I see our future much as we live now. There'll be no marriage ceremonies. The only thing I dread is when we get old and start dying, as we'll see our support network dwindle. But we don't need to think about that yet.
"Having sex with so many people suits us all perfectly. I can't imagine life any other way."
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON HAIR & MAKE-UP: SARA BOWDEN, CAROLINE PIASECKI STYLING: LUCIE CLIFFORD CLOTHES FROM A SELECTION AT NEW LOOK, MISS SELFRIDGE, DOROTHY PERKINS, TOPMAN, PRIMARK MASK FROM A SELECTION AT ANGELS FANCY DRESS (FANCYDRESS.COM) MALE MODEL USED IN MAIN PICTURES ALL NAMES (EXCEPT ALEXANDRA'S ) CHANGED TO PROTECT IDENTITIES
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