'After our wedding I fell apart'
The dress is boxed, the thank-you cards have been posted... and for some new brides, all that’s left to do is hit rock bottom
Slipping into her stunning strapless wedding dress and twirling in front of the full-length mirror, Annamaria Whittaker felt a familiar rush of anticipation. Then, overwhelmed with emotion, she collapsed on the floor, sobbing.
For Annamaria wasn't an excited bride-to-be. She was a has-been bride. In fact, since her £25,000 white wedding eight months before, she'd been an emotional wreck. The reason? She was suffering from 'post-nuptial depression'.
Annamaria is one of a growing number of young women who, once they tie the knot, find themselves trapped in a deep depression, simply because their big day is over.
"I'd spent years organising my wedding," says 32-year-old Annamaria. "It filled my thoughts 24 hours a day. Then it was all over and my life felt empty."
In recent years, weddings have become big business. Gone are the days when all you needed was something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and some friends and family in the local register office. These days it's castles, stately homes, limousines and horse-drawn carriages. There are dedicated TV channels and magazines all telling you how to have the biggest and best wedding day. Ever.
And it seems we're suckers for a big 'do'. Perhaps spurred on by celeb-packed events that are sold to the highest magazine bidder, the average British wedding now costs £20,000 - and brides-to-be are throwing themselves into ensuring their day surpasses all others.
Modern-day weddings are planned with military precision, and the intensity of getting everything right often causes some women to turn into bridezillas - those who will stop at nothing to make their wedding day perfect.
Some spend months, even years, planning every little detail, so once it's all over there can be a huge comedown and they can feel a sense of emptiness. British experts have dubbed it post-nuptial depression and estimate it affects one in 10 new brides. It can even lead some women to seek medical help.
In a survey carried out by Fabulous and wedding website Confetti.co.uk, 42 per cent of new brides admitted to getting the blues after their big day.
"People put so much into their wedding day, only for it to be all over in a flash," says chartered psychologist Jane McCartney.
"Remember that flat feeling you had as a child when Christmas Day came to an end? Well, for these women it's as if a lifetime of Christmases have come and gone in a day."
Annamaria, an office supervisor from Nottingham, is typical of the new breed of depressed brides.
"The biggest day of my life went in the blink of an eye, and there was nothing to look forward to," she says.
"I wanted to do it all over again. Every day I'd stand in front of the mirror in my wedding dress and break down in tears, wishing I was at the altar again."
Annamaria married Chris, a 33-year-old engineer, at Beaumanor Hall in Leicestershire in August 2005.
"Every day after Chris proposed, I'd researching cakes, dresses and flowers instead of working," she says.
"I had a mountain of wedding magazines hidden in my bottom draw which I used to pull out when my boss's back was turned. As soon as I was home I'd be planning and preparing - it was all I could think about.
"Before the day itself, I took several days off work to ensure everything was absolutely perfect.
"The ceremony was everything I imagined it would be.
My favourite moment from the whole day was saying my vows. I was so happy to be marrying Chris, I just didn't want the day to end."
A few days after the wedding, the newly-weds jetted off on a month-long, round-the-world trip. But not even the beautiful scenery in Queenstown, New Zealand, or the beaches of Fiji could make Annamaria shake off her sense of loss.
"We would be lying on a beach or walking round an amazing temple in Thailand and I'd turn to Chris and say: 'This time a few days ago, we'd almost be at the church.' Every day, I'd bring up another memory until Chris finally told me to give it a rest," she says.
"Within hours of arriving home, I was miserable. I felt there was nothing to look forward to. I was distraught that the wedding photos and DVD hadn't arrived, and before I'd even started unpacking I was on the phone chasing them up."
Things got worse when Annamaria returned to work two days later.
"Being back in the office really brought home the reality that it was all over," she says.
"I lost all motivation. I couldn't be bothered to cook or clean, stopped washing my hair and didn't put on any make-up. I looked a wreck. At weekends I wouldn't even get dressed. I'd just wander round in my pyjamas like a zombie. And I was always bursting into tears.
"I didn't want Chris to know how upset I was so I'd lock myself away in our bedroom, flicking through my wedding folder. I'd organised the whole wedding myself and I had a section for every part of the day. I began to pull out the sections one by one, reorder them and add new pictures I'd cut out from magazines.
"Chris was really worried," she adds. "He'd tell me I needed to look to the future - but I just didn't want to.
"One evening he walked in on me trying on my dress again. He told me to let go and move on, but I couldn't. I'd lie in bed thinking about how it was all over. I had to muffle my sobs so Chris couldn't hear."
When the DVD of her big day arrived two months later, Annamaria watched it daily for weeks. She knew she was depressed, but was too ashamed to confide in her mum or friends, or talk to her doctor. She was worried they'd think she was being ridiculous.
Her dark moods began to lift when, six months after her wedding, her cousin Louraina, 33, asked her to be a bridesmaid.
"I threw all my energy into helping her choose dresses and pick colour schemes. Although I wanted her to have the most amazing day, I was also jealous because it wasn't my day. Deep down, I hoped her wedding wouldn't be as grand as mine and discouraged her from looking at stately homes like we'd had as a venue," she confesses quietly. "In the end, she chose a hotel."
Then Annamaria started planning her first anniversary. On the day, she put on her dress, Chris wore a suit and they danced in their living room to their first-dance song, Endless Love by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross, before watching their wedding DVD together. Afterwards they got changed and Chris revealed he was taking her for dinner at their wedding reception venue. He was desperate to see his wife happy again and thought his surprise would make her smile.
"I'd been dropping hints, but I didn't think he would do it. I was speechless when he told me, and I had tears in my eyes as we drove up to Beaumanor Hall. All the memories came flooding back."
Her husband's thoughtfulness made Annamaria realise she needed to move on from the past and start enjoying married life.
So she packed away her wedding dress and banned herself from looking at her album of pictures more than once every other day. If she had times when she started feeling low, she'd watch her wedding DVD.
However, as her second anniversary approached, she insisted they celebrate in exactly the same way.
It was only last May, when she discovered she was pregnant, that Annamaria turned the corner - she finally had something new to organise. She went from wanting to be the perfect bride to planning the perfect birth.
"I spent my weekends going to baby shows, shopping for clothes and prams, and getting the baby's room ready," she says.
Baby Reece was born last January, weighing 7lb 9oz.
"I feel so much happier now," says Annamaria. "I can't believe how obsessed I got. Saying that, I've warned Chris we'll be renewing our vows on our 10th anniversary!"
His wife's happiness has come as a relief for Chris. He admits: "She just couldn't let go. It really worried me when I found her in her wedding dress - I knew things were serious. I'd taken over the cleaning and cooking at home - all she wanted to do was sit there.
"I'm so glad she's back to the happy, bubbly woman she was before we married."
Sadly, Annamaria is not alone in being afraid to seek help for post-nuptial blues.
"A bride's wedding is meant to be the best day of her life, so how can she admit to a doctor that it made her ill?" says Jane McCartney. "Many also feel they won't get much sympathy, especially from older relatives, who may have helped to pay for the wedding in the first place."
For some brides, like 25-year-old Laura Mason-Byers, a PR manager from Birmingham, the bridal blues can set in before the big day has even arrived.
"I remember feeling upset after my hen do, which was three weeks before our wedding," she admits.
"I was gutted it was all over, and that made me worry about how I'd feel after the wedding itself.
"Just as I feared, I was miserable afterwards. I'd spent so long obsessing over every detail about the wedding that even now there's this huge void in my life with nothing to fill it."
Laura married Colin, a 26-year-old coffee shop manager, in August with a £28,000 extravaganza at Coombe Abbey in Warwickshire.
The day took four years to plan - and everything, down to the tiniest detail, had been plotted with military precision.
"Before the wedding I spent every spare minute visiting venues or planning," she says. "Once it was all over I thought: 'What do I do now?'
"I felt as though I had nothing to look forward to. I didn't want to do anything or see anyone, I just wanted to wallow in my own misery, so I moped around the house.
"I comfort ate and put on over 7lb because I didn't have the wedding to slim for any more.
"Colin didn't really understand, and his patience started to wear thin.
'Why can't you be happy that we're together and have our whole future to look forward to?' he'd ask.
"I felt guilty and selfish because I wanted to share his happiness, but instead I just felt a sense of loss."
Slowly, Laura is getting over her blues. She's trying to fill up her diary with trips to see her family and romantic breaks. But she has a word of warning for any new brides.
"It's hard," she says. "You put your heart and soul into your wedding and it's over so quickly. You've spent all this time looking forward to it but you never realise how you're going to feel once the fairy tale is over."
PSYCHOLOGIST LINDA BLAIR SAYS: "In everyone's lifetime there are four major events - birth, death, marriage and children. The last two are the only ones we do have a choice over - so we put a great deal of emphasis on them.
With any major event there's always a huge build-up and a comedown afterwards. Feeling low after a wedding is normal, but people can experience guilt if they're sad following a happy occassion.
This can't be avoided, so the best thing to do is put it into perspective and accept that this feeling won't last forever - just ask your married friends!
It's important to be realistic and not let your emotions spiral out of control. Allow time to recuperate and relax then enjoy being a newly-wed."
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This article has 3 comments
I burst into tears the moment I had the take my dress off. I felt so incredibly sad that the most beautiful thing I'd ever worn, and all the magic that went with it was to now be stored away and never worn again. And that the day was over forever.
I've been married 4 weeks and I can't bring myself to watch the dvd, I'm terrified it will really upset me.
I felt a dark cloud coming over me on honeymoon but faught it back and focussed on Christmas when we got back. Now I'm really struggling and I don't feel like doing anything.
People have said to focus on having a family and how exciting that will be, but that just makes me feel worse. I have no regrets about marrying my husband. He's the only one for me. I'm just mourning the passing of my big day.
It helps to know that I'm not the only one
By Lisa.. Posted January 9 2010 at 11:46 AM.
i know exactly how these brides feel as im going through the same sort of thing, its nice 2 know im not the only one out there feeling like this and that theres actually a name for it!!. I married my husband mark in december 08 and id been planning my wedding for about 18 months but id been dreaming about getting married since i was a little girl and for that 18 months it was all i ever thought about 24/7. I was buying every wedding magazine every month and studying them from cover to cover i had drawers full of the things and it felt like a job!! so when the honeymoon was over i felt so empty like there was a huge void that needed filling but to make matters worse the perfectionist in me didnt feel the wedding had gone exactly to plan which got me obsessing about doing it all over again which obviously i cant but we can renew our wedding vows so i look forward to doing that some day.
By cara milne.. Posted October 26 2009 at 9:30 PM.
I so know how they feel as I was exactly the same. I can remember getting back from my Honeymoon and sitting on the edge of my bed in my wedding dress, crying. It does get easier in time and after 5 years I'm finally going to get to wear my dress again next year at The Ball of the Brides so that's exciting.
Good luck everyone.
By Nicky .. Posted October 25 2009 at 8:26 AM.