‘I became a mum overnight’
When Sophie Dore, 18, was orphaned she had to grow up fast. This is her diary
June 7, 2009
Today, my world collapsed. Mum killed herself. She put a coat on over her pyjamas, left the house and jumped in front of a train.
The last thing we did was argue. I was leaving for teacher training college and had just had enough. "You're putting your own problems before your children," I shouted. "If you can't be there for me, I can't be there for you." I'll regret those words forever. Did she kill herself because of what I'd said?
She didn't leave a note, but my brother Sean, 14, and I don't need an explanation. For the last 17 months, Mum's been consumed by depression - ever since my dad Rob, then 49, died suddenly after an epileptic fit. She stopped going to work as a carer and turned to alcohol to numb her pain.
"I just want to be with your dad," she'd slur, her eyes red from crying. "How can I go on without him?"
I'd begged her to stop drinking, but she'd drifted too far away from us. I have to believe she wasn't in her right mind when she chose to leave us.
Sean won't cry in front of me, but I know he's devastated and he's worried about being left alone.
"I'm not going anywhere, Sean," I tell him. And I mean it.
June 9
One minute I'm furious at Mum for leaving us, the next I'm choked with guilt. While I struggle to keep on top of the housework, Sean hides in his room playing computer games. Thinking of the old days physically hurts me. I remember so much laughter in our house before... why didn't Mum fight for our family? Didn't she love us enough?
Family members have asked us if we want to move in with them but our house in Rochford, Essex is home. All our happy memories are here - we don't want to leave. Each day, bills thud through the letter box along with the sympathy cards and I'm not sure what to do.
June 25
Mum's funeral was today. Saying goodbye was awful. She's buried with Dad - together again.
As much as it hurts, I know we couldn't have saved her - she didn't want to stay in this world without Dad. Being suddenly orphaned has left me and Sean wrecks. I'm drinking too much, but it's the only way I can cope.
My friends and family keep saying: "Don't turn into your mother."
I won't do that to Sean. But I'm only 18 and I just need time to get my head around all of this.
July 3
I'm not going to let myself get swallowed up by grief like Mum. Sean needs me. I have to prove I can be a mum and dad for him. So, no more drinking. I need to be strong and I can be.
"I'm going to look after you,"
I told him, as I stuffed his school uniform into the washing machine.
I saw the relief in his eyes.
My auntie will be Sean's legal guardian, and will look after our benefits and the money Mum left. I'll look after Sean and we'll stay in our family home. My friends have been amazing. I know I haven't been forgotten, and that makes me feel like the old Sophie.
July 13
Like a robot, I've been cooking, doing laundry and housework. I'm tempted to get a takeaway every evening, but I have to be responsible. Some nights, Sean helps me cook. We had to learn to look after ourselves when Mum was ill so we've slipped easily into a routine. Being in our family home is bittersweet. We love having photos around, and the chairs Mum and Dad sat in, but Dad died in this house, and Mum was very unhappy here.
I'm working part-time in McDonald's, getting up at 5am some days. It helps with money while I'm studying to be a teacher. Sean's in bed when I leave the house, but breakfast is waiting and his uniform is always clean. I feel like everyone's eyes are on me, and I don't want people to think I'm failing.
But the change in roles is taking its toll on my relationship with Sean. I'm the big sister suddenly telling him what to do.
I don't blame him for finding it hard. Today we rowed about his mess and his anger spilled out.
"Don't tell me what to do!" he snapped, storming off and slamming a door. "You're not my mum!"
He's right, I'm not, but I'm all he's got. Instead of screaming at him like a sister, I tried to work out what a parent would do. I'm going to look into organising boxing lessons for him so he can vent his frustration.
July 30
I miss my old life. Instead of thinking about what to wear on
a Saturday night, I'm nagging Sean to do his homework and trying to budget a week's shopping. I'm tired all the time. I had no idea it would be this difficult.
My auntie gives us an allowance from Mum's inheritance. It's not much but we make do. We do our best to afford things that Sean needs, like school trips. I do feel like I'm missing out. I can't go and work abroad like I wanted to. And I don't want to confuse things by dating.
The future overwhelms me.
I'll be the one meeting Sean's first girlfriend, getting him out of trouble when he loses his way. I worry about him all the time. He thinks I resent him but I don't, I just want the best for him.
Sean is about to go off on holiday with our grandparents.
"Have you got your swimming trunks?" I asked. "And be careful when you go in the sea."
Sean laughed. "You're fussing like Mum," he said.
I caught his eye and smiled. I always worried about him, but it's different now - he's my responsibility.
August 15
I stayed with friends while Sean was away, and loved not worrying about cooking or doing the laundry. But the novelty wore off. I missed being at home and I missed Sean. He came back today and dumped tons of dirty washing in the basket.
"Hey!" I chided gently, smiling.
"I missed you, Soph," he said, giving me a quick hug.
Sean's the most important thing in my life now. We're making each other feel whole again. I'm so proud of him.
August 23
I've slipped into a routine of being 'Mum and Dad', working at McDonald's and my teacher training during term time. Considering everything Sean's been through, he's doing well at school. He wants to be a paramedic one day. I want to do everything I can to make sure he succeeds.
September 20
Every day I get more confident in my new role, but I don't know what I'd do without friends and family. Their help means I can go out once a week, or have the odd weekend to myself.
Sean and I are determined not to let what Mum did make us bitter. We both get down sometimes, but we laugh, too. Sean has the same sense of humour as Dad and is always making me giggle, when I never thought I'd laugh again. Sean's not a burden - he's my lifeline. Mum and Dad would be very proud of us both.
SEAN SAYS: "Mum and Dad's deaths tore me apart. I started having counselling which really helped, and I learnt to trust that I wouldn't lose Sophie, too. I can't thank her enough for being such a great sister to me and I love her a lot."
PHOTOGRAPHY: SYRIOL JONES HAIR & MAKE-UP: SARA BOWDEN
This article has 22 comments
Its almost exactly like what happened to me when my mum died & my big sister took over. thank you Sophie for the great things you are doing for your little brother. However, if you want him to do something, say clean his room, please just suggest it to him & don't tell him directly coz he might think you wanna control him. Cheers
By Prince. Posted October 16 2009 at 9:25 AM.
I was really touched by this story.I wish you both all the very best for your futures.Follow your dreams and be strong for each other.God Bless.
By Charmaine. Posted October 16 2009 at 5:26 AM.
I think sophie is an amazing girl. Its true not many people could cope with such devastating news and then go on to look after the family. I think it's amazing as to how sophie is looking after her brother as well as being independent; and taking care of her home.
Friends and family are the best support and I think sophie is very fortunate to have them by her side at a moment like this.
Sophie your story really inspired me. Thanks for sharing it with the world.
By Rukkayah. Posted October 14 2009 at 5:36 PM.
Your story is very tragic and you are both very brave. you have courage and bravery within both of you. I hope that you both get to follow your inspirations and suceed in doing so. Good luck and well done to both of you. xx
By hollie. Posted October 14 2009 at 8:50 AM.
What an inspiring story and an amazing sister. My brother committed suicide a few years ago, (after breaking up with his girlfriend) I was the last person he spoke to, I will always feel bad for not making a different but I have learnt to accept, that he was ill.
Since he has died I have lived and worked in Portugal. You can still work or live aboard in a few year, I'm 27 and loved every minute of it. I think I'm more of a risk taker now, try anything once. I want to live my life to the max and enjoy every moment and live the life my brother missed out on, so when I see him again, he will be proud of me.
By Raj. Posted October 13 2009 at 10:44 AM.
I couldn't believe it when I read your story you poor poor things. This story affected me as I lost my mum in the same way this year - she took her own life on the railway line. She was 48 and had suffered with severe depression. Im 30 and have got 2 children and although Ive got my own family now I find it extremely tough - its a long road to recovery but it certainly makes you stronger - you have no choice but to crack on with it - especially when you have other people to look after. I still have very bad days and can't believe it has happened to me but I have my dad and grandparents, etc around me for support. You really are an inspiration you are so young and it is such a traumatic thing. You can accept when people die but its harder to accept when its suicide - its a hard thing to get your head round and is so much more complicated. Its an illness and there is nothing you could of said or done that wouldve made a difference - its taken me 8 months to realise that.
By Kellie. Posted October 12 2009 at 1:47 PM.
What a brave lady you are. My dad has suffered with ms for the last 16yrs so hasnt had the best life, but evenmore devestating was the fact that he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer 2 wks ago, we are now awaiting the results of a bioposy 2 c if he can have radiotherapy 2 help reduce the tumours. My mum is going through the same emotions & saying exactly the same things at this very moment as sophie & sean's mum was after there dads death, i just hope i have the strength along with my sister 2 pull her through the other side, as a family we are completely devestated, my dads only 48 & my mums 49.
By Janine. Posted October 12 2009 at 1:40 PM.
What a both heart breaking and heart warming story. Sophie is such a courageous person for doing this but I guess it wasn't a decision she had to think about. I wish both her and her brother all the best for the future, their parents would be so produ of them both. I hope that we can continue to follow their story through fabulous mag.
By Tracy. Posted October 12 2009 at 11:39 AM.
I couldnt believe when i read the story. It was the mirror image of me and my sister. Our mum died unexpected at home 3 days after my 18th birthday. My sister was 15. Mum and dad was seperatated and my sister didnt want to live with dad. So like sophie i took care of my sister. Our dad passed away 4yrs after our mum so that was deverstating again. My advice is as long as you have each other and be there for one another you will pull through. Sophie reminds me of myself and she has the courage to pull through with help from from her auntie. It is hard at 18 to grow up fast. Im now 38yrs and have a family, but im still very close to my sister and still look out for her like a mum. I want to wish you both the courage to get through. Stick with the councelling and both follow your dream. god bless you both and im sure both your mum and dad will be so proud of you both x
By Alison orr. Posted October 12 2009 at 7:46 AM.
What a tragic heartbreaking story, Sophie and Sean i really feel for you, my mum passed away last november due to ill health, she was only 59, i live alone and am still struggling to cope, but i go to work everyday and try to get out sometimes when i feel like it, make sure you both talk a lot even if it gets upsetting, its good to let it out! am sure your parents would both be proud of you would not want you to give up, take care
By Adrian. Posted October 11 2009 at 10:05 PM.
i lost my dad about 9 months ago and that was hard enough but i dont know how id cope with losing both of my parents, your amazing and such an inspiration! goodluck x
By tracey . Posted October 11 2009 at 9:53 PM.
You are a credit to your family and generation Sophie. With so much selfishness and greed in the world you can feel proud of yourself and your brother in coping with your sad losses.Best regards for the future.
By Phyllis. Posted October 11 2009 at 9:23 PM.
What a heartbreaking story. I feel i moan about nothing after reading Sopies story. I am 47 and just lost my dad last year and i still have my mum. Sophie, you are a credit to teenagers everywhere. There's not many who could cope with what you have been through and you are being so strong for your brother. He's at a vulnerable age but with your help i have no doubt he will come through all this and acheive his dream of becoming a Paramedic. Good luck in the future to you both.
By patricia. Posted October 11 2009 at 8:43 PM.
One thing that always moves me with sophie is the amazing strength she has. Any other 18 year old wouldnt deal with this amount of emotion and repsonsibility in such a graceful way. It is an absoloutely shocking reality to come to terms with, but sophie has the most amazing personality and determination. I have never met anyone like her, and i dont think i ever will meet anyone that inspires me as much as sophie dore xxx
By Hilda. Posted October 11 2009 at 8:11 PM.
I want to say a massive thankyou to all the encouraging comments ... Losing mum and dad obviously was such a tragic time but she had been so ill for such a long time we got used to the way she was ... we loved her, love her and dad stilll so so much and that will never change ... Mum loved us both so much but she just couldnt do it anymore ... she tried but struggled too much ... they were devoted to each other .... She knew we would be fine ... she wouldnt of left us if she thought we would crumble ... Its me, sean and the family now ... not forgetting my amazing friends (the extended family) and im sure the future holds alot of positivity ... Thankyou all again x
By Sophie Dore. Posted October 11 2009 at 7:41 PM.
Sophie is one of my best friends. I am so proud of her and how strong she has been.
Most people would have crumbled after what she has had to go through.. But, shes kept her head screwed on and is focusing on achievein her goals!
I makes me so sad that just over a year ago she had one big happy family, then sadly Rob passed away, and that was hard enough for me as a friend to see Soph hurting so much, but what hurt more was seeing her mum so heartbroken by his death that she attempted to take her life more than once.. Then i remember that sunday morning when i got the phone call from sophie.. Debbie had finally done it!.. and she was where she wanted to be now.. with Rob.
R.I.P Rob and Debbie.. Youve got two amazing children that i know you are so proud of. Keep lookin down on them xxxx
By Joanna M. Posted October 11 2009 at 4:57 PM.
sophie is a STAR i lost my mum at age 11 but my dad brought me up .You become strong and tougher things get better in time . take care and always stick togeather xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
By tamzin . Posted October 11 2009 at 4:00 PM.
this is the story of my daughter's friend sophie,this young girl is amazing,not many young people could take on what she has had to,my heart goe's out to her and sean your parent's would be very proud of you both x
By julie gillan. Posted October 11 2009 at 3:35 PM.
I was very moved by Sophie's story and feel such admiration for the way she is coping with her life as it is now. She must have such strength of character and I wish both Sophie and her brother, Sean all the very best for their future. They certainly deserve it.
By Sue Johnson. Posted October 11 2009 at 2:21 PM.
what a fantastic young lady and shining example for young people everywhere you are...im so sorry to hear of your tragic story but you are truly an insperation and you really touched my heart.i think your parents will be looking down with such pride at a fantastic daughter and son that they created...i hope all your future dreams become a reality for you and your brother. keep doing wat your doing cos you are doing a fantastic job...i hope you have a much better future best wishes and thought are send to you both xxxx
By kimberly stanford. Posted October 11 2009 at 12:20 PM.
I am so sorry to both of you for your loss.
You are both an inspiration, I am so glad you have come together to rebuild your lives, as you can see it has/will not be easy but together you CAN get through.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story and remind others when they think they have troubles,although it is wrong to compare, that there are people that REALLY have it very tough indeed and they should think themselves fortunate.
I wish you all the best with your futures, I am not sure if you are religious but something I gain strength from is "the lord will only give us as much as we can handle". I find it very reassuring.
Your story proves how strong the human spirit can be.
All the best.
By Dee. Posted October 11 2009 at 8:40 AM.
What an amazing young lady, i really hopes she gets to fulfill her dream and become a teacher, what a great role model she would be.
Sean i hope you also get to follow your dream and become a paramedic, you both have had such a tragic time, and im certain your parents are both looking down on you, and are very proud, god bless you both.
By karen. Posted October 11 2009 at 4:24 AM.