'MY BABY GAVE ME AN EATING DISORDER'
Imagine surviving on just 150 calories a day – some new mums are starving themselves slim
THE ANOREXIC
Gently putting her nine-month-old son, Jack, in his cot, Sarah Littlewood looked down at his tiny face. She'd do anything for her beautiful baby boy. Except eat a proper meal.
A 30-something new mum, Sarah was starving herself thin - just weeks after giving birth to her second child. Unable to cope with the weight she gained while carrying her second son, she started dieting to the point of starvation, eventually surviving on just 150 calories a day. And she's not alone. Sarah's just one of a growing number of new mums struggling with eating disorders triggered by their pregnancies.
Experts say the pressure on new mums is partly driven by the celebrity yummy-mummy culture. Mary George, a spokesperson for eating disorder charity Beat, says: "With attention on celebrity mums and their post-natal figures, new mums feel pressured to regain their pre-pregnancy shape, often at a time when they're already feeling vulnerable."
Sarah's figure pinged back within weeks of giving birth to her first son, Callum, 18 months earlier. But her second son, Jack, was born by emergency C-section, and she was left with a typical mummy tummy above her bikini-line scar.
"Whenever I got undressed, I'd see my jelly belly and cry," says Sarah, now 37. "I should have been content with my new baby, but instead I felt ugly and fat."
Still, she ate sensibly, breastfed her baby, and with a toddler to look after too, was always on the go. Sarah, who's 5ft 8in, dropped down to 8st 7lb - but still hated her body. One day she caught sight of it jiggling while running after Callum - and was so repulsed, she ran to the toilet and threw up.
"I disgusted myself," remembers Sarah, from Huddersfield, Yorkshire. "But I felt so fat, I decided it would be easier not to eat in the first place. I was aware I was going down a dangerous road, but I couldn't stop."
The next day, Sarah gave her two boys breakfast, but ate just a spoonful of muesli herself. She had a water biscuit with a slice of cheese for lunch and then three crisps in the evening.
But while her extreme diet was working, her marriage was failing. For two years, she and her husband had been in ¿a strained relationship.
"Jack was a band-aid baby," she says. "We had him hoping it would put us back on track, but it didn't - and when he was a year old, we broke up. I'd managed to hide my eating habits from my husband, and when we split, in a warped way, I was pleased. It meant I could starve myself more easily."
Which she did. Within six months of her husband leaving, Sarah had dropped from a size 10 to a size 6 and her weight had plummeted to 6st 7lb.
She somehow survived on just three slices of cucumber and a small tub of raw mushrooms a day. "I was constantly exhausted and starving, but despite my jutting-out hips, all I saw was my spare tyre," she says. In reality, she was skin and bone and at risk of a heart attack or coma.
In October 2003, when Jack was three, she went to visit an old school friend, who burst into tears at the sight of her. "I thought she was staring because I was so fat, but she said I looked like a skeleton and begged me to get help."
Sarah headed home and stared at herself in her bathroom mirror. "I looked emaciated - almost dead," she says quietly.
The next day she called her GP, who referred her to a psychiatric unit. At the clinic, Sarah was told she was anorexic with a potentially fatal BMI of 12.5 - a fraction of what it should have been. Her consultant confirmed she could die from a heart attack at any moment. Determined to get back home to her boys - who were with her mum - Sarah started eating.
"Every pound I gained made me feel wretched, but I had to do it to get home," she says.
In February 2004, Sarah finally left the clinic - 1st heavier. But within months of being at home, she was back to starving herself - surviving on a handful of cornflakes a day.
"In my head I was still too fat," she explains. "Once out of the clinic, it was difficult to eat normally."
She went back to hospital and, three months later, was discharged. But she relapsed again two years later, when she mistakenly thought she was gaining weight.
Again she was admitted to the psychiatric unit, where ¿she stayed for six months and received counselling to help her understand her eating disorder. While recovering, Sarah began dating but the relationship fizzled out just as Sarah became pregnant. Weighing 8st and at last having got to grips with her anorexia, another pregnancy was potentially lethal.
"I thought I'd never conceive - my periods were so erratic," she admits. "I was petrified of being a single mum of three - but I couldn't bring myself to have a termination."
So she went home and concentrated on trying to keep well for her baby's sake. "I didn't want to be fat, but had to eat. Some days I would shove as much fruit and veg into my mouth as I could, other times I'd hardly touch a thing."
Aware she was losing control again, Sarah went back to her GP, who referred her to a psychiatrist. With counselling and support, her pregnancy was healthy. Last May she gave birth by C-section to Freya, who weighed 6lb 2oz, but was perfectly healthy.
A year on, Sarah is 8st and a size 8-10. Her relationship with food will always be complicated, but she eats normal meals with her children.
Sarah says: "I almost left my kids without a mum. It made me realise I had to get control, for their sake as well as mine."
THE BULIMIC
Louise Hirst, 26, lives in Eltham, London, with husband Steve, 33, and 17-month-old daughter, Amelie.
"Within two hours of giving birth to my daughter, I was fretting about my weight. Despite being shattered after a 21-hour labour, all I wanted to do was weigh myself.
I found some scales, jumped on and realised I'd lost 1st just by giving birth! Then I caught sight of myself in the mirror. I still looked pregnant, and burst out crying. I'd always taken care of my size-12 figure, but took the 'eating for two' saying literally.
And I ballooned. I gained 4st and developed deep red stretch marks across my belly and at the tops of my thighs. Still, I was determined to enjoy the pregnancy and told myself the weight would drop off afterwards.
Within weeks of Amelie's birth, I'd lost 2st 7lb. But my stomach was puckered and saggy. Despite walking five miles a day with Amelie in a buggy, I stayed fat.
I'd gone through a phase of crash dieting to lose weight in my teens, but tired of feeling constantly hungry, I stopped. Now, three months after giving birth, I looked at my body and felt nothing but despair. Suddenly I was in the kitchen shoving handfuls of bread into my mouth. I felt horribly bloated - so I made myself vomit. I should have felt disgusted, but at that moment I convinced myself I'd found a way to eat and stay slim.
Within weeks I was bingeing three or four times a day on bread and leftovers from the fridge. Once I knew Amelie was safely tucked up in bed or giggling on her play mat, I'd run to the bathroom and bring it all up again.
Steve never had a clue. I only did it when he was out at work as a courier driver and would pretend I'd already eaten when he got home.
When Amelie was six months old, I returned to work as an assistant at an investment bank. I'd eat croissants on the way in, then gorge on a bacon sandwich at my desk.
Within an hour I'd totter to the loos in my high heels, with my toothbrush in hand, and make myself sick.
A month later, I was a size 12 and 10st - and being sick four times a day.
One Saturday morning when Steve had gone out, I ate a portion of cold leftover lasagne, a loaf of bread and half a packet of biscuits. I left Amelie asleep on her play mat, then rushed to the loo to vomit. As I retched, I heard Amelie crying. My heart crumpled as I realised that she didn't know where I was. I was mid retch and couldn't move. As her cries got louder, tears rolled down my face. What kind of mother was I, that staying slim dominated my life so much? Afterwards, I ran to her and vowed to get help.
That night I logged on to Babycentre.co.uk and found a woman who said she'd suffered an eating disorder. In tears, I emailed her asking for help. She replied saying I'd already taken the first step to recovery by telling someone. Next, I had to tell my husband and my GP. It was another three months before I confessed all to Steve - and even then it was by letter. I was petrified he'd be angry, but he wrapped his arms around me, upset he hadn't realised.
My GP referred me to the Priory in Bromley, Kent, as an NHS day-patient three days a week. I had group therapy sessions, but as the only bulimic in a group of anorexics, I felt like the token fatty. Over the weeks I managed to open up.
Through my dietician I realised food wasn't my enemy. I had my last session two months ago and now feel that bulimia is in my past - but I know I'll always have to be careful of my relationship with food. I now see my stretch marks as a sign of my precious baby girl - and that's nothing to be ashamed of."
DR HILARY SAYS: "Doctors try to encourage women not to even think about weight loss until the baby is about a year old, especially if they're breastfeeding. Mums need to remember that their bodies are growing and changing for nine months before the baby is born, so it should take at least the same amount of time to get back into shape. Enough calories are needed to produce breast milk and the energy requirements of a busy mum are considerable. Self-starvation is exhausting and can accelerate brittle bone disease and psychological disorders. The immediate post-natal period is not the best time to think 'thin'. It's the time to think 'baby' and put off the weight-loss regime for another few months."
Visit B-eat.co.uk for support with eating disorders.
PHOTOGRAPHY: SYRIOL JONES HAIR & MAKE-UP: SHERRIE WARWICK, HELEN ARCHER AT NEMESIS LOUISE WEARS: DRESS, NEW LOOK
This article has 6 comments
WTF? Eating disordered mothers are nothing like abusive parents or drug addicts.
LEARN A THING OR 2 about the disease BEFORE you post ignorant comments.
As a child of abuse the child grows up in fear.
Children of drug abusers are generally promiscous, and turn to drugs/other substances often, because they don't know a whole lot better.
ED'd persons don't want to harm person's, and these mothers are there in everyother way for their children.
I'm sure they will encourage their kids to eat properly, and hope they never get ED's themselves.
I know someone who had bulimia and got pregnant, gained a lot.. but she is a dang good mom.
By Elly. Posted October 12 2009 at 11:43 PM.
this is why im scared to have children, i know something like this will happen to me.
By louise. Posted August 17 2009 at 3:35 PM.
I totally disagree with the above two comments, by coming forward and sharing their stories this only makes these two women better mums in my eyes. They've admitted they've got a problem and sought help for it for the sake of their children. Everyone has problems and everyone makes mistakes in life but the people who are strong enough to stand up and admit it are the ones we should be giving encouragement to and congratulating. Comparing them to drug adddicts and abusive parents is completely unhelpful and also quite ridiculous. I say well done Louise & Sarah you're an inspiration to us all!
By Emma. Posted June 21 2009 at 9:13 PM.
I really feel for these women and by writing their story they are trying to make other women aware that you can get help and that it is O.K not to be thin soon after giving birth. I also gave birth 17 months ago and have never been slim and find things even harder now all the celebraties that give birth and back into their size 10 jeans within weeks. People do judge and do make comments and although I have never had an eating disorder I really can understand why these women do these things. Takes guts to get help and I think these women are brave to come forward.
By Kerry. Posted June 21 2009 at 7:37 PM.
I feel for the children, the first mother comes across well and I understand Anorexia, and the pain of abstaining from food must horrific for a new mother. The second Mums problems seems to stem from a deep need to fit in to society, any mother who weighs herself immediatley after giving birth obviously has deep routed issues.
I hope for the sake of the children involved that they both keep on the road to recovery and congratulate them on seeking help
By Paula. Posted June 21 2009 at 5:38 PM.
This is sad for the children. Their mums are absent from their lives, and they're learning how to cope from teachers who haven't gotten it straight. I think more doctors and hospitals need to put in place methods to combat Eating Disorders in new mums. Treat them like a drug addict or abusive parent. It's no different.
By Lizette. Posted June 21 2009 at 12:02 PM.