Will I only ever be his friend?

Q: There's a guy I really like. We're very close and tactile and might as well be dating - but while he shows all the signs of feeling the same way, he says he sees me only as a friend. He recently told me he likes someone, but his details were vague. Does he only like me as a friend, or is he in denial about his true feelings? Eloise, by email

Toxic: Either this guy is the slowest mover since the tortoise or he's telling the truth. Yes, men use the friendship angle to infiltrate your undergarments. But when this is our ruse, you can guarantee that as soon as you give us the chance to be more than friends, we pounce. Your man didn't. You offered him an open goal and he kept his mouse firmly in its house. Which means the 'someone' he likes isn't you. Since he's being so vague, it's probably someone he shouldn't fancy - it could be a friend's girlfriend, or a man? To be honest, I have no idea. Why don't you ask him? You're his friend, after all.

Tantric: Let's examine the evidence. You openly flirt with him, are tactile, and have told him bluntly that you have feelings for him - and he hasn't jumped on you. This tells you two things: 1) He's not into you, and 2) Even if he doesn't really have anyone else on the scene, he probably invented a phantom girlfriend to spare your feelings. Making him tell you to your face that he's not attracted to you will be awkward, and could hurt your friendship. I know it's harsh, but the sooner you stop obsessing, the faster you can find a guy who will give you the only 'sign' you need: his tongue in your mouth!

Q: I've started dating a great guy but there's one problem: he has a small penis and it's affecting our sex life. What can I do? I don't want to offend him. Claire, by email

Toxic: Warning! Warning! All men with baby prawns have huge complexes about it. If you say anything, your man's going to make a mountain out of a maggot, become distant and probably dump you. You need to overcome this issue discreetly. Tap 'sexual positions for men with small penises' into a search engine. Then, when it comes to loving hour, manoeuvre him into said positions and embrace a far more pleasurable ride.

Tantric: I wish I could tell you the only size that matters is the size of his heart. But let's face it, a man with a willy the size of a cocktail wiener will have to work harder in bed. (I hope he's giving you lots of oral!) Having said that, sex with a small penis can still be fantastic. Since a vagina is only five to seven inches deep when aroused, a guy doesn't need to be hung like a porn star to be great in bed. I guess you have to ask yourself: how deep is your love?

The Toxic Guide to: Detoxing
The Toxic Bachelor takes you on a journey into men's minds. But be warned, it ain't pretty...

If a man wants to lose weight he doesn't abandon alcohol and stock up on wheatgrass - he exercises. Don't buy any assertions about detoxing due to podgy bellies or dodgy kidneys. Men in relationships detox to give their wallets a rest after a particularly taxing December; single men detox to escape from single women who are detoxing. This isn't to say we don't want you to detox, we just don't want to be anywhere near you when you do it. Ever conversed with a detoxer? Don't. They might look healthy, but they shun alcohol and talk about the number of calories in a chicken and mushroom risotto - which makes you want to pull your own nails off. Which is why no man worth his Y chromosome dates and detoxes (so be suspicious of one who does). But I know what you're thinking: surely men appreciate you're only doing it to try to look good? We do. But surely you appreciate that we'll never swap a personality for a few pounds. You do? Good. Enjoy a healthy month and I'll see you on Feb 1.

Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk

PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET THEY CAN'T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY

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