Frenemies, in-laws, the boss... here’s how to handle life’s hardest relationships
Everyone has at least one person in their life who's hard to get on with. But don't worry - if you're tearing your hair out over a tricky relationship, we've found the key to getting everyone eating out of your hand! Dr David Burns, author of new book, Feeling Good Together: The Secret To Making Troubled Relationships Work, has spent 25 years researching the five most difficult personalities.
''Thanks to 35,000 therapy sessions with people experiencing relationship conflicts, I've identified the most problematic people - and how to deal with them," he says.
Here, Dr Burns and fellow experts reveal all...
COMPLAIN-AHOLIC
Ultra-negative
Nothing's ever perfect
Acts like a victim
THEY LOVE: Whingeing, especially about how badly life treats them.
BUT
HATE: People who don't give them any time and refuse to acknowledge the
moan. "These people are not looking for answers, they want understanding and
support, and complaining is their way of inviting that," says David. "They
want people to see the world through their eyes."
GET YOUR
WAY! Psychotherapist Gladeana McMahon suggests using techniques to give
them attention, but also to defuse the situation. "For example, say:
'Absolutely, I can see your point,' then move on to a different positive
topic to divert them," she says. If you can't bring yourself to agree with
them, it's time for some tough love. "Give them three practical ways to
solve their moan," suggests psychologist Corinne Sweet. "On the third,
highlight this is your last suggestion and then start a different
conversation."
THE EGO HAS LANDED
Self-absorbed
Constantly bigging themselves up
Always trying to top your
achievements
THEY LOVE: Feeling better than others.
BUT HATE: Those
who try to compete with them for the top spot. "How they react to criticism
will help you identify what type of big ego you're dealing with," explains
Corinne. "The first is the person who's completely unaware of others, who
talks loudly, but if you puncture them, they come straight down to earth and
are apologetic. But the second, and most common, will become depressed or
may even try to break off your whole relationship if you challenge them.
This is because the person actually feels powerless, and they cover it up
with egotistical behaviour and by trying to make you feel their power. If
you don't play along, it reminds them of how awful they feel underneath."
GET
YOUR WAY! "If it's someone you're close to, tell them they don't have to
big themselves up to you - you love them the way they are," Corrine
suggests. For people who you're less emotionally connected to, while it may
irritate you to do so, piling on the flattery will get you results, says
David. "Deep down they're so needy, it's hard for them to detect if you're
sincere. They'll be eating out of your hand."
REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE
Never
loses an argument
Ignores tasks and instructions
Always
on the defensive
THEY LOVE: A blazing row - which they'll continue until they win.
BUT
HATE: Being told what to do.
"When someone is stubborn, they're
inviting you to do battle with them, and the mistake is to argue with them,"
says David. "They'll just become more stubborn!" Trying to grind them down
with logic will wear you out, says Corinne, so you need a cunning
alternative.
GET YOUR WAY! "It may feel like you're having
to compromise your behaviour, but the best way to beat this person is to
agree with what they're saying. So, if they say you're being unreasonable,
arguing that you're not just underlines to them how unreasonable you are. So
instead, you need to spin it around and acknowledge that yes, maybe you are
being difficult," says David. "Doing this will instantly make you seem very
reasonable and understanding and they'll be more inclined to do what you
ask!" David continues: "The fear is that you're being weak and letting them
get their way, but actually, the argument will soon be over and you can move
on."
GREEN-EYED MONSTER
Never
at a loss for a snide comment
Full of reasons why they should be
more successful
Uses concern as a disguise for their envy
THEY LOVE: Bringing successful people back down to earth.
BUT
HATE: Other people's achievements. It makes them feel inferior. "They
think they're inadequate and not good enough," says David. "And they also
feel that you've got some special advantages that they don't have, but
they're entitled to." Why? "It comes from their own frustration with life,"
explains Gladeana. "They feel they've been hard done by."
GET
YOUR WAY! The way to solve the problem is by motivating them, Gladeana
explains. This turns their unhealthy envy into a healthier version, where
your success can be an inspiration to them. "If they make a negative comment
about your achievements or try to put you down, say: 'I appreciate there are
other people who could have done it, but I've achieved it this time. I'm
sure you could do it too.'"
CONTROL FREAK
Gnawed
fingernails
Always knows what's best
A
perfectionist
THEY LOVE: Feeling in control.
BUT HATE: Losing
control! "This is a person driven by anxiety," says Corinne. "They're
terrified things are going to get out of control, so they try to direct
everything." David warns: "Criticising their decisions will trigger more
mistrust, so you need to get them to see you as a collaborator, rather than
a competitor."
GET YOUR WAY! "Show them you're on
their side," explains Gladeana. "For example, if your boss is on your back,
explain that you understand their position and know what they are looking
for, but also explain what has delayed you and reassure them that you'll get
the work done on time." She continues: "With friends and family, similar
rules apply. For example, say: 'I know you love organising everything and
are good at it, but I really want to feel involved.' And then say what you
want." Perfectionists should be encouraged to live by the 80/20 rule - get
something right 80 per cent of the time and that's good enough. There's no
such thing as perfect!"
Win a copy of Feeling Good Together
ILLUSTRATIONS BY: BARBARA SPOETTEL FEELING GOOD TOGETHER: THE SECRET TO MAKING TROUBLED RELATIONSHIPS WORK BY DR DAVID BURNS (VERMILION, £10.99)
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