I can’t please my boyfriend in bed

Q I know my boyfriend uses magazines to masturbate with and I can't stand it. The other day I couldn't please him in bed and it made me feel sick to think about him pleasuring himself over other women. Now I feel like I'm not good enough for him. I fear it will come between us if I can't accept it. Please help! Laura, by email

Toxic: Men masturbate. I know that and so do you. So let's confront the real issue - ever since you failed to please your boyfriend you've been plagued by a whole load of self-doubt. My advice is that actions get men squealing, anxieties don't. So stop dwelling on what you did wrong (the answer is probably nothing) and focus on upping your game. All couples have sexual lulls and when they do, they need to invest time in spicing things up again. So buy some new lingerie, introduce a toy, try new positions - make sex fun, not monotonous and, trust me, he won't be reaching for a magazine again.

Tantric: Why not dump him and find a boyfriend who doesn't touch himself? He'll be waiting for you on a unicorn at the end of the rainbow with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Your man's self-love is no reflection on you - lots of guys with great sex lives masturbate. They actually make better lovers, because it stops them being one-minute wonders in bed. Your problem is that your self-esteem is so low that you see yourself as secondary to a photo. Remember, you are the hot, sexy, real woman in his bed - and if you weren't pleasing him, he wouldn't be with you.

Q I met a man through an ad in the paper. We've been on four good dates, but he won't tell me his surname. He says it isn't important at this stage. Should I be worried? Name withheld

Toxic: This is weird, but there are numerous reasons why he might not want you to Google him (that was your plan, right?). I mean, he could be a millionaire (or a bankrupt) and not want this to affect things. He could have been the victim of a horrific crime and not want to tell you yet. Or he could just have a silly name. It's been four good dates, not four secretive years. Stop trying to find faults and start dressing for date five.

Tantric: Keep your legs and your wallet closed, because this guy is trouble. My guess is he's either married, hiding a shady criminal past or both. Dating is like a job interview, and if a man doesn't want you to check his character references, it's a major red flag. He may start asking to borrow money "until his big real estate deal comes through", or maybe he's a bigamist. Either way, it's not looking good.

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Chat up a man and he'll label you as desperate and/or easy. So to avoid such classification you must either pursue a stealthy road to seduction or wait for him to make the first move. The stealth route is best because in truth we have little idea how to read you, so make eye contact, bump into us at the bar or start a conversation. We'll either attempt to spark up a response (we fancy you), or we won't (we're just not that into you). But if you decide to wait for us, don't just judge the opening gambit (corny chat-up lines can say 'nervous' as often as 'sleazebag'). It's the follow-up conversation that matters. "Come here often? Staying near here?" are the calling cards of a player looking for a quick shag. A true suitor has no end game, so he'll talk and talk. Nervously. About nothing. Until, that is, you put him out of his misery. How? Simple. If you fancy him, offer him your number. If you don't, drop the 'b' word - that's boyfriend, not bisexual.

Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk

PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET THEY CAN'T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY

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