Q: It's been six months since the birth of my son but my husband doesn't seem to want to make love to me. He was present at the birth and I'm worried that it's put him off me. How can I get our sex life back on track? Lucy, by email
Toxic: Fret not. He isn't off sex. Or you. It's just six months since the birth, nine months of pregnancy, trying for kids before that - it doesn't take Carol Vorderman to work out it's been two years since sex involved anything but making/trying not to hurt/fitting in around babies. Thus, if you want to relight the spark and go back to a time when horizontal dancing was purely recreational, express a bottle, hand Junior to Grandma, slip into something skimpy, and jump your man when he gets home. Forward? Possibly, but his smile will tell you it's 'goodbye mother, helloooo lover'.
Tantric: It sounds like post-traumatic birth syndrome, where new dads who wield video cameras in the delivery room are unable to look at their partner's parts afterwards without picturing the scene from Alien. He may also be stressed, tired and jealous of the attention the baby is getting. But this will pass. If you've been knee-deep in nappies, hire a sitter, ditch the tracksuit for some lingerie and killer heels, and remind him that you're a sex kitten and a mum. Talk to him about his fears, and seek help if things don't improve. And next time, leave him in the waiting room.
Q: I've been struggling to conceive for over a year. My man's keen to keep trying, but I want to explore options like IVF. What can I do? Julia, by email
Toxic: Other options? Why don't you tattoo 'impotent' on his bonce? Not my thoughts - his. He thinks everyone's laughing at his spineless soldiers. They're not. Explain there are many reasons why people can't conceive and that even if it is down to his weak swimmers, no one else needs to know. Tell him that nothing's happened in over a year and unless he swallows his pride, that son he wants isn't going to appear. He'll soon stop banging his sperm against a brick egg.
Tantric: Your man needs to get his head out of the sand, and both of you should see a GP. You may not need IVF, but your biological clock is ticking faster than his. Men hate to think there could be anything wrong with their 'boys', but a check-up can discover if either of you have any issues that need attention. Pick a quiet time (not in bed) to talk, and tell him you'll both feel better once you have some answers.
The Toxic Truth: Sexual health testing
The Toxic Bachelor takes us on a journey into men's minds. But be warned, it ain't pretty...
I'd love to pretend that we chaps consult the clinic before bedding new buddies, but the truth is unless we're overcome by itching or urinating fire, there's no way medical instruments will meet our manhood. Not because we don't know the stats, but because we're scared of a doc coming near our nether regions, and of finding out we're diseased. Hence our approach to sexual health: no news is good news. Which is why you have to broach STIs with us. And why, when you do suggest a test or reveal you have an STI, your man may freak out. When he's calmer, he'll do some research and realise a) it's normal for couples to get checked and b) STIs don't equal death, so he'll take the test and stick by you. If he insists it's unnecessary or calls you a hussy, the jerk was only with you for the ride.
Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET THEY CAN'T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY
This article has 3 comments
Gone off sex:
This is nothing new, priorities change when you become a parent and at the moment he's still blown away by the change in his life, he's not just a husband anymore he's a father too and that can take some time to adjust to.You too have also gone through some radical changes your a mum now too and that in itself can put a damp towel on your love life as you are in motherhood mode. Arrange for someone to have your little one overnight and then go out and have some fun with your husband i'm sure that your sex life will get back to normal soon enough. As a mum of 4 my husband and I still find time for ourselves and our sex lfe is as good as it ever was before the kids came along.
By Lorna. Posted September 1 2009 at 9:57 PM.
I remember some years ago, reading a NewScientist article about a study which revealed that men who had been present at the birth of their child had very high rates of lost libido for their partners.
The control group - consisting of men who hadn't been present at the birth, showed nothing like this rate.
The good news was that it only lasted for six months.
Whether it's an evolutionary adaptation that allows men to father as many children as possible, having achieved success with the birth mother, is a possibility that seems quite likely.
That said, success for the father actually consists of producing offspring who themselves, go on to become parents.
By Nick X. Posted July 19 2009 at 7:49 PM.
I love the way some women do all the work in elationships - and for what? And if some bloke can't be bothered to keep an eye on his sexual health (despite the stats showing it's men who infect women) - then why bother sleeping with such a loser? Men make me puke sometimes
By cee. Posted July 19 2009 at 2:09 PM.