SHOULD I WAIT FOR HIM OR JUST MOVE ON?
Q: My boyfriend of seven months has just broken up with me. He says he loves me and wants to stay friends, but isn't in the right state of mind for a relationship at the moment. Do you think he'll change his mind or should I move on? Lucy, by email
Toxic: Here's what's happened. Man meets girl. Man falls in love. Man realises he might spend the rest of his life with girl. Man freaks out at the enormity of this realisation, so ends relationship. Here's what happens next. Man discovers the grass isn't greener on the single side of the fence and comes crawling back. So don't give up, but don't sit waiting either. His cowardice has given you the chance to re-sample single life. Party like it's 2-for-1 WKDs until your bloke sees sense and begs you to come back. Unless, of course, you've had a better offer in the meantime...
Tantric: Ouch. I've been there and it's not fun. But men hate breaking bad news, so break-ups require translations. What he was really saying was: "I don't love you enough to commit to you, so I'm downgrading you from girlfriend to shag buddy while I date other people." Being his 'friend' will involve you waiting around for him to make up his mind, and he knows it. So take back control. If he asks for "a bit of space", give him a mile. Cut off all contact for at least two months - no drunk dialling, emails or booty calls. In that time, go out, meet new people and move on.
Q: My new man likes to dress up in women's clothes. He says previous girlfriends have been fine with it. I think it's weird. Do you agree? Jo, by email
Toxic: Lying, conniving male handbook point 1.8: if a new partner complains about something, insist all exes have been fine with 'it'. Back in the real world, there isn't a cat in hell's chance all his previous girlfriends were happy about him tottering around in a thong or washing up in a Wonderbra. Mind you, whether he's lying or not, cross-dressing is just a fetish, and he's not flaunting it. You face a simple decision. If you love him, let him steal your stockings. If you don't, don't.
Tantric: Great, you can share shoes! Seriously, it's a bit strange, but at least his fetish is out in the open and your boyfriend isn't hurting anyone. That said, you need to find out how far he wants to take it. Will he stop at donning frocks behind closed doors, or does he dream of wearing make-up on nights out with you? Ask him. And a word to the wise: don't share clothes. If he stretches one of your dresses, you can't take him on in a catfight.
THE TOXIC TRUTH: ROMANCE
The Toxic Bachelor takes us on a journey into men's minds. But be warned, it ain't pretty...
Romance isn't dead. It's in a critical condition, but it has a chance of pulling through. And it has hope of survival, thanks to the small percentage of men who still 'do' romance. Men who realise it comes in many forms - sprinkling rose petals, making mix tapes, buying Britney tickets, holding your hair back when you're being sick - but that, when you boil it down, it has three essential ingredients: romance is personal, it's thoughtful and it's spontaneous. So if you think your guy's romantic because he sends roses to your office or presents chocolates after a weekend away, think again. The former means he's using the medium of Interflora to send a 'hands off, she's mine' message to the blokes in your office. While the latter means he's keeping you sweet in the hope you don't interrogate him about his trip (hint: adultery). Not that men are the sole sinners when it comes to romance. I've lost count of the number of times my gestures have been met with an apathetic '"about time' shrug or asked "what the hell" I've done that for? Um, I'm being romantic, darling. You can tell by the fact I'm looking lovingly into your eyes. And you can react however you want. But, if you want me to do it ever again, I'd suggest "thank you", followed by an enthusiastic orgasmic encore.
Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON. STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET THEY CAN'T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY
This article has 2 comments
Its so difficult to take back control of yourself and your emotions when the love of your life leaves.
Its imperative you put your efforts into doing so, it will make you feel better (being whole again and not just half) plus he'll end up having more respect for you, whether you get back together or not.
He wants to be "just friends"? Fine, treat him as you would one of your girlfriends. No friends "with benefits". He lost that privilege when he left.
Good luck.
By Mo. Posted July 12 2009 at 11:47 PM.
Some people are just wishing for the impossible, they are hoping to get a spouse that is a Mr/Miss Perfect, but there is no such thing.
Please, please dont wait for him. Go out and make new friends. If he wants you, why must he hesitate unless he has some good valid reasons for not wanting to marry you now. And I think its better if he tell opens up and tells you the reason now.
By elizabeth. Posted July 12 2009 at 7:51 AM.