Q: My friend told me she's cheating on her boyfriend with his dad. She and
her boyfriend are both close friends of mine - what should I do? Abbie, by
email
Toxic: First up, your male friend can never know the truth. Discovering his girlfriend is straying will break his heart. Finding out she's dallying with his dad will break him completely. Keeping 'little' secrets is part of friendship, but this isn't little. It's bigger than Rik Waller's boxers, so you need to get them to part ways - without their secret being revealed. In public, pretend everything is hunky-dory. In private, unleash hell on your friend and her bed buddy until they end their sordid sex sessions. And when all is said and done? Ditch the b****. A real friend wouldn't put you in this position.
Tantric: You have to come clean. If your boyfriend was shagging your mum, wouldn't you want a friend to tell you? Your friend's put you in a horrible position, and it won't be pretty. She may drop you, and you may lose her boyfriend as a friend. But he deserves to know the truth about his girlfriend and horndog dad before things get serious. Tell her you're giving her a week to come clean, and if she hasn't told her boyfriend, you will. Then you'll need to be there for him because he'll be dealing with a double betrayal, while trying to get the image of his dad's wrinkly arse in bed with his girl out of his mind.
Q: I see my boyfriend twice a week, but when we're apart he rarely texts or phones. Should I be worried? Jo, by email
Toxic: Unless he's a spy or works somewhere without communication to Earth, the person you're describing isn't your boyfriend. A boyfriend will call or text. A boyfriend will make plans. A boyfriend describes you to friends as his girlfriend. In fact, I bet you've never met any of his friends. And why do you think that is? Ping! It's because he's a keep-the-cutie-sweet-and-contact-when-I'm-seeking-sex manipulator. Finish it, or accept your position and enjoy it.
Tantric: Either your man's one of those guys who only uses the phone to make plans and hates long chats, or you aren't the only girl he's seeing. There's an easy way to test his level of commitment: stop calling him for a few days. If he's into you, he'll wonder where you've gone and start burning up the phone lines. If not, you'll know you were on his speed dial under 'shag buddy' and are free to find someone who can let his fingers do the walking in more ways than one.
The Toxic Truth... Alpha females
The Toxic Bachelor takes us on a journey into men's minds, but be warned, it ain't pretty...
The modern man is all for female independence. We seek partners who are career-minded, and desire women with 'a bit of banter'. But if you ask for a pint of lager, although we'll order it and probably try to sleep with you at the end of the evening, we won't be seeing you again. Why? Girlfriends don't drink pints. Or burp. Or fart. Or scream: "Get up, Ronaldo, you diving piece of s***!" at the telly. Hence, in the same way you asking us to show our sensitive side means don't fall asleep just after ejaculation - not start shaving our legs. Not being too girlie means leaving the house without spending four hours on make-up, it doesn't mean develop your biceps until you can beat us at arm-wrestling. So by all means be successful and take control in the bedroom. But at the end of the day we're still Tarzan, and Tarzan doesn't want Tarzana, he wants Jane.
Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET THEY CAN'T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY
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