Q: I'm 28 and married with two sons. My husband is my soulmate, but he doesn't turn me on. Recently I've been aroused by lesbian erotica, but I can't discuss it with him as he feels inadequate about our sex life. Am I bisexual? Name withheld
Toxic: Ditch your family, find a hot girl, stockpile vibrators and live in orgasmic ecstasy ever after. I'm joking, obviously. You're not bisexual. You're a straight women who believes the female body is more attractive than the "why the hell did God stick it on the outside?" male form. That's not a cause for concern. The causes for concern are a) Your hubby doesn't turn you on and b) He feels inadequate sexually. One gift can mend both. Buy a lesbian porn DVD as a 'present' (men love girl on girl), stick it on and get squealing. Who cares if your delight is down to him or the film? You got off and boosted his confidence.
Tantric: Well, you could be bi... or just bored. Lots of straight women fantasise and read lesbian erotica to get off, but exploring your feelings further would probably involve cheating. Why not try a little role-play in the bedroom before jeopardizing your marriage? Instead of: "Honey, I'm so bored by our sex life that I'm thinking of switching teams," tell him you've fantasised about bringing another woman into bed with both of you. Talk about the things you'd do to the imaginary Angelina lookalike. Include him in your fantasy so he doesn't feel threatened, but don't pressure him into making it real - it could end in tears.
Q: A colleague keeps asking me out. I've turned him down kindly, but he won't give up. How can I get the message through? Nicola, by email
Toxic: Easy option? Get drunk and snog the face off another colleague in front of him. Professional option? Email him or take him to one side and spell the situation out clearly and concisely. Which means: "Look X. I'm not and never will be interested, so please stop asking me out." This should do the trick, but if it doesn't, go to the next level. Tell him you have all his emails and will involve HR if he continues. And if he still won't stop? Present your dossier, then watch him clear his desk.
Tantric: Stop being so nice. This guy has probably seen one too many romantic movies where the guy follows the girl around, writes her love letters, turns up outside her flat and wins her in the end. In real life, that's not seduction, it's stalking! Don't be vague. Tell him firmly that you're not interested, and if he keeps on, you'll report him to HR. Save every email and voicemail that he sends you. This guy is a pest and needs to be stamped out.
The Toxic Truth: Saying I love you
The Toxic Bachelor takes us on a journey into men's minds. But be warned, it ain't pretty...
I love you. There, said it. Happy now? Well, you shouldn't be, because I was lying - 90% of the men who say it are. I know: we're vermin. But the good news is - because we're lying either to get sex or stop you hassling us about "where we are going" - we're vermin with a pattern. Which is why if we roll out the line too soon (as a general rule before the three month mark), too often, too easily or during an argument, you should ignore it. But if we say it slowly, with a gulp and stutter, then up that heartbeat, for it's love, actually. And the reason it's so cut and dry is men who are in love appreciate the magnitude of the sentence. I've done sackloads of scary things in my life (eg being tortured by the SAS), but none come close to the one time I said "I Love You" and meant it. Putting myself on that precipice was truly petrifying. Which is why, like all men, I skirt around the expression. Why, like all men, I'm delighted when you say it first. And why, like all men, I only want you to say it if you mean it. Which means when we're alone and you're looking in my eyes. Not when we're standing in a shoe shop and you're looking at my wallet.
Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET THEY CAN'T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY
This article has 1 comment
Toxic Bachelor, you truly get straight to the point.
Hysterical!
Keep 'em coming.
By Mo. Posted June 7 2009 at 10:27 PM.