'Why won't he give me any support?'
Q: Since we met two years ago, I've given my boyfriend no end of love and support. I've recently lost my job and am depressed, but he hasn't been there for me. I don't want to lose him, but how do I get him to see I need his help? Jenny, by email
Toxic: This isn't your problem. I know, because I've been you. I've taken on the role of whistling Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life any time difficult issues have emerged. And do you know what? It's both a thankless and dangerous task. It's thankless because your partner comes to expect it. And it's dangerous because perennial positivity papers over cracks. Think about it. For two years you've done everything for your man. But now you need him, he reacts by burying his head in the sand. Nowhere near good enough. You may not want to lose him, but unless he steps up to the plate soon, it's your only option.
Tantric: I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. But look on the bright side - at least you're not married to this loser. It's easy to be in a relationship when everything is great, but hard times bring out a person's true character. Can you really see this guy being there 'for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health?' In fairness, you may need to communicate more clearly. So give him one last chance - look him in the eye, and tell him you're hurting and you need his shoulder to cry on. If he continues to keep his head up his a**e, remember that you deserve a man who will lift you up. You won't be losing anything except dead weight.
Q: My new boyfriend seems distracted when we're in bed and he's evasive about his previous relationships. Do you think he's gay? Cathy, by email
Toxic: You haven't met many homosexuals, have you? "He's evasive about past relationships." Maybe he's aware that "I still love my ex" isn't great new couple conversation. If he's distracted in bed maybe you're not turning him on or he's nervous. You've put two minor problems together and made a major sexuality issue. Sounds like you need an excuse to dump him. It's fine to get out if you want, but base it on fact (you don't connect in bed) not fantasy.
Tantric: Does he flip you over during sex and call you Bill? There are no red flags to warn you if a man plays for the other team. There are very camp straight men and macho, rugby-playing closeted gay men out there. The 'clue' happens when you catch him having sex with other men. You should be able to trust your boyfriend enough to ask him straight up about his sexual history. If you can't, finish it.
THE TOXIC TRUTH - STRIP CLUBS
The Toxic Bachelor takes us on a
journey into men's minds, but be warned, it ain't pretty...
If you ask a man when he last went to a strip club, he will undoubtedly lie, and tell you he can't remember or that he's never visited one (trust me, he has) And he'll do this because he knows how you'll react. You'll say men who visit those places are sleazy and sexist, and it means he's not satisfied with you. Get a grip. Unless a man starts desiring dances when sober, there's no cause for concern or premium rate 'relationship psychologist' calls. The simple truth is men bond over beer and breasts, so when we are on stag dos (or lads' weekends) we go to a bar where women strip. And yes we do find the girls sexy and yes we do get aroused. But that doesn't mean I'm about to elope with an erotic dancer. It means my purchase was a success. Understand what purchase means? Good, then you'll understand why strip clubs are actually your friends. Nightclubs have temptations men can, have, and do succumb to. Strip clubs have rules we adhere to. Rules that state we can look but not touch. Which, if I remember correctly, is what you always instruct us to do.
Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk
PHOTOGRAPHY: LANCTON ILLUSTRATION: SPENCER WILSON STUART IS REGULARS EDITOR OF FHM TANTRIC AND TOXIC REGRET THEY CAN'T ANSWER EMAILS PERSONALLY
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