He hasn't had a relationship for 21 years!
Q: I've just started dating a man of 39 and was shocked to discover he hasn't had a girlfriend since he was 18. He's attractive and has a good personality but says he wasn't interested in having a girlfriend before. Is this possible? Claire, by email
Toxic: Uh-oh, you've bagged yourself a commitment-phobe: a man who should have a 'relationship crime scene: do not enter' sticker on his bonce. Sure, it's possible for men to go five years or so without a girlfriend, but to go two decades without a significant other doesn't exactly shout husband material. He's either lying - in which case he'll try to go deep (like, down-on-one-knee deep) early by letting you think you've tamed him. Or, he's telling the truth - in which case he'll ask you to sling your hook just as it's getting serious. Either way, avoid like the plague, or keep tissues and a Bridget Jones DVD handy.
Tantric: Sounds like male shorthand for: "I didn't have a serious girlfriend, but I slept with so many women I made Russell Brand look like an altar boy." But if he's attractive and has a good personality, why should he limit himself to one woman? He could have been focusing on his career, friends, travel and having lots of casual sex - which is what being young and free is all about! There's nothing wrong with a 39-year-old unmarried man being a bit of a player. The question you need to ask is: does he want commitment now, or does he plan to spend his sunset years lounging in a silk robe with a stash of Viagra?
Sex is boring
Q: Sex with my man is boring - it starts with the same foreplay, so I can orgasm, then the same positions. How can I make it exciting? Jo, by email
Toxic: You orgasm first, and you're still not happy! Can my species ever win? Your man will up his game if you reveal your boredom, but I can't tell you how to make it more exciting, because what's exciting to me might not be to you. You need to decide what would really arouse you. Role play? Making your own porn film? Bondage? Then, ask yourself if you trust your partner enough to go there, as once you start going down this route there's no going back.
Tantric: I blame the media and Hollywood for this 'peer-pressure sex'. I mean, you guys are in love, getting each other off, and you're complaining? Luckily, your "problem" is easy to fix. Why not try banning the bedroom for a week, or having sex in a chair or over a balcony? Or do a 'master and slave' role play - taking it in turns to be in control. Mix it up with sexy lingerie or erotic movies. You'll soon be ripping each other's kit off.
THE TOXIC TRUTH... EXES
The Toxic Bachelor takes us on a journey into men's minds, but be warned it
ain't pretty...
Men only ask women they really like about their exes, so if we pose the
question, congratulations, we're hooked. Not that this means we want the
truth. Oh no. We want the edited notes - tales of his irrationality,
insensitivity and incompetence (especially in the bedroom). We're scared and
insecure, you see. We know you loved him and - though we'll tumble into
tantrum if you call us on it - we're crapping it that we don't match up
(note: especially if he dumped you). Hence we need good news alone. Don't,
however, go over the top or make stuff up (eg he's fat and skint) because a)
we'll mark you down by association and b) if we discover you're lying, our
trust in you shatters and our relationship crumbles. An over-reaction?
Possibly, but everyone knows exes provoke extreme emotions, which is why a
man who likes you will change the subject as soon as you probe his. And if
he mentions her? Well, if it happens once, in a heated moment
(argument/sex), it's a mistake, but if it happens more often, in more
mundane circumstance well sorry, but he's just not that into you.
Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk
Photography: Lancton. Illustration: Spencer Wilson. Stuart is regulars editor of FHM Tantric and Toxic regret they can't answer emails personally
This article has 1 comment
'He hasnt had a relationship for 21 Years'
This intrigued me, has this lady noticed anything else about this guy, what is he like socially? The guy may actually be being completely honest when he says he didnt want a girlfriend before. I wonder if brutal honesty is a significant part of his personality.
By Anon. Posted June 5 2009 at 10:16 PM.