Danielle Lloyd reveals the true cost of celebrity

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Like many girls, Danielle Lloyd dreamt of being famous. Seduced by the glamour, the parties and the A-list lifestyle, she saw entry into the world of celebrity as the answer to all her problems. But her desperation for stardom almost killed her.

Here, in an exclusive interview for Fabulous, the model bares the emotional and physical scars of a tortuous year and reveals how, at her lowest ebb, she even considered suicide. To all those wannabe WAGs or the fame-hungry, her message is simple - be careful what you wish for.

"I'd have drunk myself to death or taken my own life," she says quietly. "I'd hit my lowest point - I'd lost control and wondered what it would be like not to be alive. I was drinking because I had no other way of coping.

"I was using champagne and vodka to blot out everything. The next day I wouldn't remember a thing," she admits. "I didn't like the person I'd become but I had no other way of dealing with my feelings."

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'I'm just like everyone else'

Just a year ago, Danielle, 25, was binge drinking several times a week, destroying both her looks and her reputation, and having serial flings with men for whom she was just another easy conquest. Her self-respect was at rock bottom and her self-esteem too, fuelled by the barrage of abuse she would regularly receive on nights out from other women who screamed at her that she was a slut or a slag.

"People expect me to be a 'personality'. They don't understand I do my job, go home and be like everyone else," she explains.

"A lot of girls think my career has been handed to me on a plate, but I've worked hard. In the end I too started to believe my success was an accident."

The Danielle backlash can be traced to her appearance on Celebrity Big Brother in January 2007. She entered the reality show a virtual unknown and came out a figure of hate after the bullying of Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, 34.

While the public eventually forgave her housemate, Jade Goody, Danielle was not so lucky. The venomous hatred for her reached such levels that she was verbally abused by strangers and punched in the face.

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Separate from those incidents, three months ago a night out ended in violence when Danielle crashed through a table full of glasses in a nightclub. Shocking paparazzi photos showed her lying on the pavement in tears, bleeding from deep cuts in her back and leg while waiting for an ambulance to rush her to hospital for emergency surgery.

But despite this thrusting Danielle into the headlines once more, her meltdown actually began a year ago with the discovery of an abusive web page set up in her honour.

'I was having a breakdown'

"I found out about a Facebook page called 'I Hate Danielle Lloyd,'" she recalls. "It sent me over the edge. I spent two weeks in my flat crying.

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I realised I was having a sort of breakdown.

"I wanted to stop drinking and get my life back together. I knew I was at rock bottom. I didn't dare leave my flat and panicked at the thought of going out. I was desperate. I knew I needed help."

After a fortnight of suffering in silence, she made a call to a close friend who was so concerned by Danielle's distress that she immediately phoned her mother, Jacqueline, and her agent.

The next day, Danielle met therapist Veronica Callanan and the slow process of recovery began. She poured out her woes, sobbing: "I'm not good enough, there's something wrong with me, I let people down. Strangers hate me and I'm terrified I'll never find love. I drink to make it stop hurting. I wonder what it would be like to be dead."

It became clear that Danielle was a deeply troubled woman, who had been left devastated by two abusive relationships and was struggling to cope with the pressures of celebrity.

'All I wanted was love but men treated me badly'

Today she says bluntly: "Therapy saved my life. Without it, I don't know what would have happened."

During her first meeting with Veronica, Danielle could barely speak for crying. She says: "I'd never discussed my issues with anyone before. I'm the kind of person who holds everything inside, even if I'm hurt.

"It was surprisingly easy to talk about my life with a stranger. Once I'd admitted one thing, the rest came pouring out.

"My main problem was a fear that I'd never find love. Veronica showed me I was attracted to the wrong person because I didn't value myself. I had a good childhood, but past relationships had knocked my confidence. I thought I was worthless."

'I know now I picked the wrong guys'

The sense of worthlessness was the legacy of not one, but two violent relationships, which destroyed the stability of Danielle's teenage years. After one row with her first boyfriend, he tried to pull her from a moving car, tearing out her hair, and badly cutting and bruising her. The three-year relationship eventually ended, but she fell into a second seriously violent one in which she was bitten, beaten or spat at on an almost daily basis. Once, her boyfriend punched her in the face and smashed her cheekbone.

Danielle Lloyd with Shilpa Shetty in Celebrity Big Brother in 2007

She pursued a career in beauty competitions as a way of escape, and by the time she dumped him in 2006 - after over three years - she'd been crowned both Miss England and Miss Great Britain, although she was stripped of the latter title after it emerged she'd been dating one of the judges, former footballer Teddy Sheringham, now 43. She was later cleared of any wrongdoing after a High Court action against the organisers.

Footballers have been her love downfall. She split from Birmingham City star Marcus Bent, now 31, in June 2007 after she found out he'd cheated with an air hostess when she was struggling with a breast-cancer scare. Then she began dating Tottenham striker Jermain Defoe, 26, but dumped him three months later after he three-timed her.

"It looked like I was jumping from one guy to the next," Danielle says. "In reality all I was looking for was love. I now know I picked the wrong guys. They treated me badly and this didn't go unnoticed by the public - or me."

Therapy helped boost Danielle's self-esteem and taught her that her feeling of worthlessness was why she kept falling for the wrong men.

Danielle with boyfriend Jamie O'Hara

She says: "Veronica told me I needed to learn to love myself and that I had to practise saying so. I couldn't do it at first, but I tried and gradually felt better. I finally understood that if you love yourself, you can love someone else and be loved by them, too."

By last Christmas, Danielle had made such progress with Veronica, she was able to cut back from weekly to monthly sessions. She finally felt she could break the cycle of hurt. Then in early January, she met her boyfriend, Tottenham midfielder Jamie O'Hara, 22.

She says: "I was honest with Jamie from the beginning. I told him I was having therapy and he was glad I was getting help.

"Therapy taught me how to 'be' in a relationship. I used to be insecure, but I trust Jamie completely. I'm a different person now and feel I need to talk about my counselling so other people in my situation realise they can get help too.

"We're planning to get engaged next year and married the year after. We're not rushing into anything - we know we're going to be together for the rest of our lives," she smiles.

She's so genuine, this time you can only hope that she's right, for her sake.

On the ring finger of her right hand, Danielle wears a diamond promise ring Jamie bought for her on holiday in Dubai. In return, she's given him a discreet ring of twisted diamonds. Having lost his mother to cancer five years ago, when he was 17 and coping with the demands of a Premier League career, he too has been through a lot.

"We always say we've saved each other," says Danielle. "He's not only my boyfriend, he's my best friend, too."

'I thought I might bleed to death'

But the couple faced the ultimate test of their relationship - and Danielle's therapy - after that bloody night out in May. She was at the London nightclub Crystal with Jamie, his brother and his fiancée celebrating a family wedding when broken glass ripped into the small of her back and her calf. Danielle can't talk about the incident for legal reasons, but reveals the fear she felt that night.

"It was horrific," she recalls. "The muscle was spilling out of my leg and I thought I might bleed to death. In fact, the leg wound was so bad, nobody even realised the glass had also cut deep into my back - doctors said if it had severed a nerve I could have been paralysed.

"I'm still in pain and can't put much pressure on my ankle. I've gone from being able to run for an hour at a time to managing just five minutes. But my injuries are healing better than I thought and I'm relatively happy with my progress."

After the incident, her weight went up to 9 ½ st. But Danielle's now back to her normal 9st, and is just glad to be healthy.

It's clear that without a year of therapy the injury could have ended Danielle's career. It could have triggered such self-loathing that she harmed herself. In fact, it helped confirm her decision to leave the party circuit behind.

She says: "I'm 25, I've done that and got the T-shirt. I saw the glamorous side of fame - the nice clothes, parties, the lovely homes. All these things come with a price. You have to accept people will judge you without knowing you and you lose all anonymity.

"Now it's time to lead a more domestic life, concentrate on my career and take care of Jamie. I've taken steps away from being the old Danielle. It's made me a nicer person. I might not be able to change other people's opinions of me, but I've changed my own.

"I don't go to clubs now. At first fear kept me away, but now I've realised I want to do something else with my life like helping Jamie set up a cancer charity in memory of his mum.

"I have polycystic ovary syndrome, which can make it hard to conceive. My mum had a hysterectomy at 26 because of gynaecological problems and I've already had surgery on my ovaries, so I won't leave motherhood too late. Jamie and I are both very family orientated and I want children before I'm 30."

As she reflects on the developments of the last year she says: "When I was younger I had visions of what kind of life being 'famous' would bring. I guess I was naive. I faced such negativity after Big Brother that not only did I receive threats, my family did too. I've learnt to accept the consequences of my actions.

"To young girls desperate for fame, I'd say the world of celebrity isn't all about glamorous parties. It comes with trappings that can be dangerous if you don't know how to handle them."

VICTIMS OF THE FAME GAME They had it all, but for these stars, fame also came with a downside

Mischa Barton, 23

Last month, The O.C. star was admitted to a psychiatric ward after an alleged three-day drug binge. It followed last year's conviction for drink-driving and possessing marijuana. She's now playing a model-turned-drug addict in a TV drama.

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Lindsay Lohan, 22

By the age of 20, LiLo had checked into rehab three times and was a drug and drink addict. Recently she's hit the headlines for public rows with on/off girlfriend Sam Ronson and her worrying weight loss.

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Britney Spears, 27

Brit's pop princess reign came crashing down after her very public breakdown began in January 2007. But now she's on medication to control her panic attacks, has given up alcohol, and is looking great.

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Professor David Wilson of Birmingham City University was a psychologist on Big Brother 4 but resigned in protest at the controversy and conflict whipped up by the show's makers. One of Britain's most eminent criminologists, here he gives his opinion on the pressures and perils of modern celebrity.

"There is a significant difference between fame and celebrity. Fame comes as the result of a craft or skill whereas celebrity is just a confection, it's someone famous for being famous.

Many people find fame as a by-product of what they do - acting, modelling, singing or sport. Others, like Captain Chesley Sullenberger who landed his plane on the Hudson River in New York in January, become famous for one extraordinary deed. For them, fame is simply part of who they are.

But for many celebrities - and by that I mean reality stars, WAGs and wannabes - their public persona replaces their true sense of identity because it's not rooted in a craft or skill or an act of heroism. They are just well known. That's the first problem. The second

is that these are the kind of people who yearn to become a celebrity and are then desperate to remain one. Don't underestimate how damaging that daily struggle is to the human psyche. Focusing on yourself and your public desirability to such a degree is incredibly narcissistic. These people pay a very high price. The third and most obvious problem is that they become victims of a culture of physical perfection where they have to look the best they can 24/7.

A combination of these three factors can make modern celebrity a dangerous and difficult career path.

A good example of a woman who has handled fame well is Jodie Foster. She's a megastar whose life is beyond public view. We know she's close to her mum and has a degree from Yale University, both of which suggest she's an ordinary woman who leads an ordinary life until she needs to use her fame for her work - a new movie.

Sadly, she's the exception. Far more common are celebrities with issues - think of Katie Price and her quest for the perfect body, Mischa Barton being sectioned and placed in psychiatric care last month, and all the female stars with eating disorders. These women are suffering from a sense of failure to live up to public expectations, of feeling themselves judged negatively, and of perhaps being unclear who they are and what they're offering. Plus they're under intense pressure to look good and are permanently at the mercy of public opinion, which is incredibly fickle.

When stars are in trouble they often turn to drugs or alcohol, but it's not because they want a few hours of escape. It's because that sense of self-loathing, the feeling they can't be the person the public believes them to be is so great they want to do themselves harm. Think of the anguish of Amy Winehouse. Some stars also commit very public acts of rebellion that don't involve drink or drugs, such as when Britney Spears shaved her head. She was destroying her looks so people would stop judging her on her looks.

Danielle Lloyd is legitimately famous because of her modelling career. She understands the difference between Danielle the brand and Danielle the real person and she's amazingly secure in her body image. That's why she will cope with fame now she has dealt with the issues buried in her private life.

But it's only a few weeks since Big Brother housemate Chanelle Hayes tried to commit suicide - just another woman lost in the wilderness of modern celebrity. How many more must there be before we have a serious national discussion about popular culture and the damage it does to the people at its heart?"

PHOTOGRAPHY: PA, GOFFINF, CAPITAL, EYEVINE, APLHA, MATRIX, XPOSURE, WENN HAIR: KATIE PETTIGREW AT LAVINIA HUGHES MAKE-UP: CAROLINE PIASECKI STYLING: LAURA FANTACCI STYLIST'S ASSISTANT: VICTORIA PAIN DANIELLE WEARS: MAC, TU AT SAINSBURY'S; SHOWS, DUNE; BELT, STYLIST'S OWN VERONICA CALLANAN, BACP THERAPIST, CAN BE CONTACTED ON 0845 533 3583/VERONICA@BLUESKYCHANGE.COM

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