This week, Amanda Holden disinfects Alan Carr and lashes out with Patsy Kensit

Tuesday, July 28
I'm filming a new Freeview advert and get overexcited because property gurus Phil Spencer and Kirstie Allsopp are also in it. I've got a little crush on Phil - there's just something about him. My hubby Chris knows but, being the sex god he is, isn't threatened at all! So I'm gutted to discover I'm filming my slot alone and Phil's already done his.

Friday, July 31
I'm appearing on Alan Carr: Chatty Man. I absolutely adore him. He tells me that if he didn't have Justin Lee Collins as a telly sidekick, he'd choose me! Alan's boyfriend, Paul, is backstage. I'm not sure he'll be impressed by Gok Wan, who's being filmed for another show. He gives Alan a full-on snog when he goes on stage. Cheeky!

When I bump into Gok later, he tells me not to get too close because he's ill. I'm suddenly worried that he's got swine flu (turns out he hasn't!), so take my bottle of antibacterial cleanser on stage to make sure Alan and I are disinfected. Since the outbreak I've been carrying it around, just to be on the safe side!

I'm so thrilled to also meet the beautiful Patsy Kensit. She's tiny and looks posher than I'd imagined. I can't think what made her marry Liam Gallagher! She's in a leopard-print dress and looks like a goddess.

This week, Amanda Holden disinfects Alan Carr and lashes out with Patsy Kensit

Amanda and Patsy have a 'lash-off'

We compare fake eyelashes and I realise her MACs are massive compared to mine, so suffer lash envy. I ask the make-up lady to remove mine and stick on a pair of tarantula-like ones instead.

Poor Patsy goes on stage and has to give a bed bath to an old bloke with a very realistic plastic willy - don't ask. I suffer equal embarrassment when Alan plays that clip of me on Blind Date when I was 19. My eyebrows were huge! I continue the theme by donning a monobrow and gold dress to impersonate Susan Boyle. I owe that woman for my US career, so will do anything to pay homage. I end up singing I Dreamed A Dream. Badly. To all you Boyle fans out there, I apologise!

Speaking of Susan, I've heard on the Britain's Got Talent grapevine that the first two songs on her album are incredible and that she's back on track, finally learning to relax and enjoy her fame. Good on her.

Amanda with Gok Wan and Alan. She should've gone to Specsavers!

Saturday, August 1
I'm greatly honoured today to open Sedgeford Village Fete in Norfolk. I make a little speech and tell everyone I love Norfolk for the peace and quiet. But it doesn't last long as Lexi decides to throw random wet sponges at the crowd, who smile politely just because she's my daughter.

Sunday, August 2
I get a text from Piers saying: "You can smack my podgy little bottom any time you like." I guess that's his way of saying he likes the column. Gold star to the Holden!

Catch Amanda on Alan Carr: Chatty Man tonight, 10pm, Channel 4.