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Q: I'm pretty sure my boyfriend faked an orgasm the other night. Do men ever do this - and why would they? Doesn't he fancy me any more? I'm really freaked out by it. Susie, by email

Toxic: Typical. You ladies are free to fake your excitement willy nilly, but when one of us tries it, all hell breaks loose. Get over it. He still fancies you, it's just that he was either too stressed to get into sex or he'd had too much booze and couldn't ejaculate even if Megan Fox had offered a helping hand. So, he could either bonk aimlessly for hours (and leave you wanting to superglue your legs together for eternity), or go through the motions and pretend to climax in a manner that's been a female trademark since Adam entered Eve. He chose the latter. A lesser evil you should be thankful for rather than freaked out by.

Tantric: Men fake the Big O for a lot of the same reasons that women do - they're stressed, tired, or having an off night. Or maybe he's drunk so much that numbness has set in and he's realised there's no way in hell he's going to get off, but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. This isn't a problem unless your man starts putting on Oscar-winning performances on a regular basis. In that case, pick a time - out of bed - to talk to him about whether he's feeling satisfied sexually. But if this was a one-off, there's no need to start second-guessing your entire sex life, or doing CSI inspections on used condoms.

Q: My man is always wanting to analyse our relationship. Do you think he's insecure - or has he got the right idea? Maggie, by email

Toxic: A man like this actually exists? Insecure? I'd edge towards insane. While I'm all for discussing issues when they arise, probing for probing's sake is asking for trouble. So, next time he attempts to "assess your connection" burst out laughing and tell him to stop being ridiculous. Hopefully he'll say he was only acting that way because he thought it was what you wanted.And if he doesn't? Easy. He'll dump you, and you'll have had a lucky escape.

Tantric: It sounds like your man has read too many articles about what girls really want. Tell him that there's enough oestrogen in your relationship and if he wants a woman to hold his hand while he dissects all his complex emotional issues, he needs a therapist. Agree to check in with each other once every few weeks, but beyond that, tell him to stop thinking about what women supposedly want and get back in touch with his masculine side.

The toxic guide to... pornography

The Toxic Bachelor takes you on a journey into men's minds. But be warned, it ain't pretty...

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Men love porn. It's a medium that allows us to indulge our particular - often peculiar - fantasies without the embarrassment of revealing them. Plus it stars surgically enhanced ladies, perennially primed, who can tuck their legs behind their heads. But in real life? Are you mental? These women are something to gawp at, full stop. Which is why, when I say I want you to act like a porn star, I mean loosen up by 10 per cent and talk a little dirtier, not master the splits and pretend your washing machine's stuck on the spin cycle. That's excruciating because it's clinical and fictitious - two things healthy love lives should never be. So no matter how much porn we watch, remember we don't want sex to involve ticking off positions. No, we want it to be real.

Email your questions to toxicandtantric@fabulousmag.co.uk

Photography: Lancton Illustration: Spencer Wilson Stuart is regulars editor of FHM Tantric and Toxic regret they can't answer emails personally

• 'My man refuses to talk about our wedding'
• 'Why won’t he give me any support?'
• 'I’ve had lesbian fantasies – am I bi?'

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