How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (15)

HERE'S a comedy about a bloke who thinks he's hilariously edgy but is actually an annoying little chuffer.

And whoever wrote it? I just hope they've not missed out on the irony there. Because How to Lose Friends and Alienate People is absolutely certain it's a hysterical satire on the New York media circuit.

But-sweet Aled Jones on a pogo stick-it couldn't be more wrong if it bet £5,000 on Gary Rhodes winning Strictly Come Dancing.

Instead it's a frontrunner for the most chronically irritating botch-job of the year.

Porker

And, for dropping yet another 50-ton cannon ball through the leaky hull of the British film industry, it must swiftly be renamed How to Lose Money and Alienate Viewers.

MAG DRAG: Jeff as Clayton

Simon Pegg stars as Sidney Young, a cocky, celeb-obsessed London scribbler who dreams of working for top American mag Sharps. As the film begins, we see Sid with a pig on a lead, trying to blag his way into the Baftas solely on the basis that he's come with a famous porker. (Hey, it works for David Furnish.)

Sid claims his piglet is the star of Babe 3. The red-carpet woman doesn't buy it and turns him away. But one wig and false moustache later, he manages to smuggle the beast in anyway.

And if you can see any way for things to pan out without a tired, unfunny, run-away-farm-animal scene? Then you've got a damn sight more talent than the baboon-brains who wrote this, my friend.

I'm not quite sure why but the pig stunt impresses the editor of Sharps magazine Clayton Harding (Jeff Bridges), who immediately offers Sidney a job.

On arriving in New York, Sid fails to get along with almost everyone he meets. Co-worker Alison Olsen (Kirsten Dunst) thinks he's an unconvincing laddish THROWBACK. Ball- busting celeb agent (Gillian Anderson) has him down as a pathetic 90s CLICHÉ. And to dimwit wannabe actress Sophie Maes (Megan Fox), he's a sleazy little CREEP.

Whereas actually? They're all right.

Credit to Simon. He does his level best with what he's been given. But Sidney's such an unlikeable twerp that it's impossible to feel even the slightest twinge of concern over what happens to him.

Not that the others are much better. Jeff Bridges looks like the most experience he's had with the magazine business is hawking the Big Issue outside Budgens.

Astoundingly, Megan Fox doesn't convince as a dippy tart who'll happily pop her wabs out to get her name in the paper.

And as for the "chemistry" between Simon and Kirsten Dunst? You'd get more sexual tension on a panda- breeding programme.

Plus-let's face it-taking on dumb starlets, big celebrity egos and snide PRs is hardly cutting-edge humour.

Even more depressing, when things start to drag (about every three minutes by my count) the writers just roll out a lazy comedy staple to tide things over.

They all make an appearance -ladyboys, food fights, people on drugs, "crazy" drunken behaviour . . . and, at a particular low point, a near-carbon copy of the dog-out-the-window skit from There's Something About Mary.

Shambles

But most depressing of all? The man in the midst of this shambles- putting on the bravest face he can manage on the promo poster-is Simon Pegg.

This is the co-creator of Spaced, one of the funniest, most inventive, touching and best-observed sitcoms of all time. He also did Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, two of the strongest British comedies of recent years. Then there was Run Fatboy Run.

And now we're here. Simon, mate. You're better than this. Now sort yourself out in time for the Star Trek remake and we'll say nothing more about it.

How To Lose Friends is based on Toby Young's book about his time in New York working for Vanity Fair magazine.

The other week he said: "I am terrified the film is going to do well. The worst thing that can happen to a professional failure is to be perceived as a success."

Don't you worry, Tobe. The job's safe.

OUT FRIDAY

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