2012 (12A)

IT'S got earthquakes, floods, volcanoes - and more stam- peding maniacs than the Croydon IKEA car park on Boxing Day.

Yes, 2012 is the end of the world as we know it.

Actually - scratch that. 2012 is the end of the world EXACTLY as we know it.

Whether lava, tsunamis, or collapsing cities yank your chain, it's all here and it's all bigger, noisier and more expensive than before.

But otherwise, it's nothing original.

Is it Armageddon? No. More like Armageddon a distinct sense of déjà vu.

And make no mistake, those grudging three stars up there are for the special effects only. Because they're world-beating, in every sense.

But they've been used to paper over cracks bigger than Cheddar Gorge - something that becomes all too obvious towards the end of the film's way overlong 2hrs 40mins run-time.

2012 (That's Twenty-Twelve, not Two Thousand and Twelve, if you don't want to look silly in front of your mates) comes from disaster master Roland Emmerich, director of Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow and the Godzilla remake.

And I don't know what Planet Earth ever did to you, Roland, but I'm sure it's very, very sorry.

The story begins in 2009 (hey, wait a minute, that's nowadays!) with Jimi Mistry exiled in a remote corner of India, studying neutrino particles in the Earth's mantle - which probably serves him right after The Guru.

He discovers that solar flares from the sun are "microwaving" the Earth's core (his words) and heating it up like an intergalactic Pop Tart, and the delicious lava filling could burst loose at any moment (not his words).

Luckily, Jimi is able to warn fellow geologist Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), who has the ear of the US President. Unluckily, Chiwetel is much better looking, so he takes over the "important science guy" role and we don't see much more of Jimi for the rest of the movie.

The US President (Danny Glover) and the other G8 chiefs decide to keep the findings quiet till they come up with a proper escape plan.

Then, cut to 2012 and finally to the star of the show - High Fidelity's music nerd John Cusack. Not, to be fair, the hero you'd hope for in such desperate times.

'Cos Cusack would be right on the list of people you'd be confident could whisk you to safety during global disaster, just below Stephen Hawking.

While taking his kids camping in Yellowstone National Park (like every other disaster movie hero, he is divorced), Cusack meets crackpot conspiracy theorist Woody Harrelson, who learned about the impending mayhem on the net. "Why don't you download my blog?" says Woody, instantly winning the prize for Single Worst Line of 2009.

He also tells Cusack the location of a secret base where a chosen few will be saved from the global disaster.

And, lo and behold, disaster then strikes.

So based on what Woody told him - and let's face it, why WOULDN'T you believe some mad idiot who lived in a caravan in the woods? - Cusack gathers up the kids, his ex-wife (Amanda Peet) and her new boyfriend, and they race to the secret base through some of the most outrageous special-effects sequences ever concocted.

Meanwhile Chiwetel meets up with President Glover, his hot daughter (Thandie Newton) and his dastardly advisor (Oliver Platt), and together they put a secret emergency plan into action.

Calling this film a mere "block-buster" doesn't do it justice. Because 2012 doesn't just bust blocks - it freaking annihilates them. The scenes of CGI carnage are, frankly, a complete hoot.

The family's limousine escape from a quake-shattered Los Angeles is brilliant - one of the most entertaining FX sequences in ages.

And there are another few standout scenes, such as the bit where the White House gets flattened by an aircraft carrier riding on the top of a 1,500ft tsunami.

If you've got an appetite for destruction, 2012's worth watching for these bits alone. But that's just as well - because there's literally nothing else in it worth watching.

The script makes a pig's ear of explaining the science at the start. Cusack and Peet are a pair of dreary goons. And, as should have been obvious to everyone in the Columbia Pictures HQ from the office hamster up, it's waaay. Tooo. Looong.

Plus the deadly-dull final act is like Titanic as recreated by your local am-dram club on an old Crystal Maze set.

Disaster movies can't get any bigger than this (until Emmerich makes a film about Earth crashing into Mars or something). But it's fair to say they can get a whole lot better.

Still. Great special effects though. Wheeeee.

OUT FRIDAY

This article has 0 comments