Dead Man Running (15)

CREDIBILITY. For the makers of Dead Man Running, it's not what you might call a concern.

But then for a film that opens with 50 Cent in a business suit, reading The Economist, how could it be?

Fair play to Fiddy. At least he didn't hold the magazine upside down. But it's an image that sets the tone nicely for what follows: IE dumb as nuts, and rubbish.

Mr Cent (real name Arfur Dollar) stars as Thigo, a well-dressed loan shark who decides to torment one of his customers one day, because something something credit crunch.

He summons hapless Nick (Tamer Hassan) to his chambers and orders him to rustle up £100,000 in 24 hours, or his old mum (Brenda Blethyn) will get killed to death.

Now I know what you're thinking. Please, please, please, let Danny Dyer be involved in some way. Well glory be! He's got the main supporting role.

Before you can even say OH GOOD GOD NO he turns up to play Nick's 'funny' best friend Bing. And hey. Forget the Sopranos, folks. There's never been a Bada Bing than Danny.

Nick and Bing rampage up and down the M6 getting into all sorts of hilarious scrapes to raise the cash, such as selling cocaine and trying to murder somebody.

It's a movie that might as well have been dreamed up by two wannabe-gangsta 14-year-old nobheads.

So imagine my shock and astonishment when I found out the executive producers were Rio Ferdinand and Ashley Cole.

Shambles

As executive producers go, Rio and Ashley make great footballers. (Funding a film must get you some alright tax breaks too, eh lads?) Just call them the new Powell and Pressburger, except with the combined brainpower of Bowel and Beefburger.

Half of me wants to think that this film is one big stunt for a new series of Rio's World Cup Wind-Ups. But sadly, that's not possible. Because that would mean there was a new series of Rio's World Cup Wind-Ups, which we all know is never gonna happen.

The plot's a total shambles. The message (rob, pillage and snort your way to a no-consequences happy ending) stinks.

And Fiddy's entire character is a joke. He's as all-seeing as God with binoculars. He can plant agents at any point in the UK within minutes, including on a train that Nick hasn't even decided to board yet.

So will we see more Q-list junk like this from Ash and Rio and in future? Don't bet against it.

"It's the first of its kind," Tamer trumpets in the notes." It was, 'let's blend football and film'. It's a no-brainer, isn't it?" You said it, mate. OUT FRIDAY

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