Couples Retreat (15)

AHHH, Vince Vaughn. If the poor sod had gained a half-stone for every duff film he'd made since Swingers, he'd look like . . . well, he'd look like Vince Vaughn.

Back in 1996, he was all, "You're so money!"

But 2009-vintage Vaughn? It's more a case of "You're so desperate for money!"

And the depths to which he'll sink to earn a pay cheque continue to astonish and disturb.

To be fair, Couples Retreat isn't of quite the same rock-bottom standard as Fred Claus, Four Christmases and The Break-Up.

But it IS a quarter-pound t*rdburger with large fries and extra cheese, and we can only pray it doesn't go straight to No1 at the box office over here like it did in the US last week.

The film sees Vince and his wife Ronnie (played by Malin Akerman) head off for a week of marriage counselling in the tropics, with pals Jon Favreau, Kristin Davis, Faizon Love, Kali Hawk, Kristen Bell and Jason Bateman.

Lured by the promise of the four Ss - sun, sea, sand and s****ing awful jokes - the couples do bonding stuff such as swimming with sharks, while trying to drum up a laugh from one of these three premises:

1. Women are suckers for holistic therapy;

2. Men aren't; and

3. Black people are sex maniacs.

Haw, haw and thrice haw.

If you've been to the cinema recently or checked it out online, you'll know the trailer is pretty funny.

Well, Universal has pulled off one hell of a marketing coup with this one. It's not even a case of "all the jokes are in the trailer" but "there are more jokes in the trailer than in the actual flamin' film".

Because make no mistake - if laughs were water, Couples Retreat would be a four-week trudge down the trans-Saharan camel trail.

British comedian Peter Serafinowicz is admittedly decent as hotel concierge Stanley. But Vaughn wrecks plenty of punchlines with his moronic mumbling - and other skits rumble on and on well past their sell-by date, with horrible pauses where some wild optimist hoped the chuckles would go.

Most depressing of all is the fact there are some genuinely talented people in it. Jason Bateman . . . er, OK, Jason Bateman's in it. Yet it's not all bad. Because with a bit of subtle tweaking, the title would fit perfectly.

"Retreat" ain't quite right. But RE-TREEEEAAAT!!!?

Now that's more like it.

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