Love Happens (12A)

"SOMETIMES, despite your best efforts, life gives you lemons," blithers Aaron Eckhart at the start of this romantic-weepie-drama-thingy.

You're telling me, pal. Problem is, after sitting through 109 toilsome minutes of this turkey, you'll be less keen to make lemonade than squeeze citric acid in the eyes of all those involved.

Eckhart plays lifestyle guru Burke Ryan, author of a self-help manual with the jaunty title "A-OKAY!" What's it about? Getting over the death of a loved one. Bet that's a big seller.

Yet here's a shock. Burke hasn't got over the death of his own wife - and his book and seminar course are all just bluster. And guess what it'll take for him to grieve properly? If you guessed Jennifer Aniston, you guessed right!

Jennifer plays a florist called Eloise, and through a series of totally bog- standard romance set-ups, the pair meet, bicker, date, fall in love, fall out, and fall back again. And naturally, both of them speak fluent romcom-ese.

"What you've seen over the last few days is the part of me that isn't available," babbles Aaron at one point. "I wonder if you'd like to get to know the part that is."

Eh - I'll pass, thanks. Nothing about this film rings true - from the entire main storyline, through Jen and Aaron's chemistry-free relationship, to the misplaced comedy scene involving a parrot.

Plus the film's set in Seattle, and makes such a laboured effort of ticking off all the sights - Space Needle, Bruce Lee's grave, Pike Place Market . . .

I'm surprised they didn't squeeze in a scene where Eckhart bursts through the door of Starbucks and hi-fives Frasier Crane before tearing across Lake Union in Tom Hanks's houseboat.

I will hold up my hands and admit I find Jen pleasant enough to watch, even at the worst of times. But this film IS the worst of times. And even diehard romance fans will find their patience challenged by the end credits.

To Jen and Aaron, whose characters bond over finding long words in the dictionary: here's one - platitudinous.

Adjective. Dull and tiresome but with pretensions of significance. Look it up.

OUT FRIDAY

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