Dorian Gray (15)

SOMETIMES with bad films it's hard to know who's laughing at who. And 2009 has not been short of such head-scratching moments.

There was Beyoncé Knowles's demented girl-on-girl brawl in Obsessed. Not to mention Nic Cage bellowing "The caves won't save us! NOTHING CAN!" in Knowing, while his hair thrashed around like a trodden-on cat.

Are we really supposed to take stuff like this seriously, readers? Who the hell knows. And that's the problem with Dorian Gray.

Based on Oscar Wilde's story, it stars Ben Barnes as Dorian - a 19th century heartthrob whose portrait is painted by a talented artist (Ben Chaplin).

Dorian says he'd give anything to stay as youthful as he is in the picture . . . even his soul.

And that's exactly what happens. Dorian boozes and humps his way round London with his evil pal (Colin Firth) and remains fresh-faced, while the picture gets ugly and twisted.

It's a great tale. Yet what we've got here is a bad panto with t**s. Firth - all dodgy 'tache and frantic eyebrows - has got the sexual allure of a man who runs a swingers' club in Surbiton.

And Ben Barnes is so flat as Dorian, I had to double-check he wasn't playing the painting.

In short, the whole thing's a joke. With a second star awarded only for the laughs - intentional or not.

OUT WEDNESDAY

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