Public Enemies (15)

AS a full-time film writer, there are some words you can safely assume you'll never have to write.

For example: "A hilarious performance by Renee Zellweger" or "the new Transformers movie shows that blockbusters CAN have brains after all".

And pretty high on that list is: "The new Michael Mann/Johnny Depp/Christian Bale film's a bit pants."

But sadly that's all there is to report on Public Enemies.

This freewheeling, talent- packed period gangster epic - brought to you by the director of Heat and co-starring one of the greatest character actors of our time and BATMAN - is a shoulder-shrugging, soul-squishing, £48 million disappointment. And I only wish I could pretend it was otherwise.

WHASSAT JOHNNY?: Too much mumbling

Cos it would be lovely to say that, at the height of summer movie madness where 30 giant robots punching each other can make £8.3 million in three days, there was an alternative out there with wit, substance and verve.

But even if there is, Public Enemies ain't it.

It tells the true story (taking a few liberties) of the battle between 1930s Chicago bank robber John Dillinger and the hard-bitten lawmen on his tail.

Dillinger (Depp) is a gentleman crook - a dapper, tommy gun-toting Clark Gable wannabe, down to the swagger and lop-sided grin. Melvin Purvis (Bale) is the FBI's golden boy, tasked with hunting Dillinger down to save the law's reputation.

It's a classic cat-and-mouse tale set in an era dripping with big screen potential.

The mind boggles as to what Clint Eastwood or Ridley Scott would have done with it.

Michael Mann, however, has ditched all those sad, old-fashioned filmmaking rules - the ones that say you should be able to understand what's going on and hear what people are saying - and has gone for a handheld, slapdash look instead.

The scenes are captured on shaky digital video and the screen jostles around like the Blair Witch camerman is doing the hokey-cokey. By and large, it looks blimmin' AWFUL.

This could well be the performance of Depp's career.

But it's impossible to tell - half the time the camera's shoved up his left nostril, otherwise it's behind his head. To make things worse, the sound mix borders on the idiotic. The dialogue, mostly mumbled, is often impossible to hear. But gunfire goes off with all the force of Krakatoa erupting two millimetres from your eardrum.

You may have also noticed that Batman star Christian Bale barely gets a mention in this review. That's because there's nothing to say. He's Bruce Wayne without the exciting alter ego.

Shrew

Ditto Marion Cotillard as Dillinger's missus Billie Frechette. She's a vile, pouting shrew and their relationship's got less tension than a slack banjo string.

On the few occasions Public Enemies DOES hit its mark, it's nothing short of awe-inspiring.

There's a brilliant sequence when Dillinger strolls into the Bureau's HQ and brazenly glances through the files on him while the lawmen cluelessly sit in the corner, listening to the radio. And the finale, built around Dillinger's trip to the cinema, is probably the best thing Mann's ever filmed.

But the highlights are too few, and come far too late in the hefty 140-minute running time. This film is an attempt at great art that fails. And the breathless gibbering that will inevitably come from the more easily-duped reviewers should be taken with a truckload of salt.

In a cold way, you can admire the spirit of Public Enemies - but while you're watching, it's hard to give a monkey's.

OUT WEDS

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