Transformers (12A)

OI! Christian Bale. THIS is how you do a big summer robot movie, mush.

With the new Transformers and Terminator films in cinemas now, you've got two blockbusters starring mechanical creatures available for your entertainment.

And, put simply, Transformers beats Bale's sorry effort like it's a dirty rug. Click below to watch my video review and action clips.

Revenge of the Fallen is a truly great, TRULY stupid summer-event movie.

And, in terms of bleeding-edge eye candy, artery-surging action and sheer adrenaline-spurting fun, it outpunches everything else on the market with a hefty kapow.

In fact I'd go as far as to call it "genius" . . . except there isn't a less accurate word out there to describe a film as idiotic as this.

null

If you could eat stupidity, the new Transformers film would cure Third World hunger.

Give a man a robot, and he'll be amused - for about two minutes. But give a man 32 of the big, glossy bad boys, all beating shiny chrome sh*te out of each other for 2½ hours with Megan Fox running around in a sweaty vest top in between?

He'll grin, cheer, punch the sky and praise the Lord Almighty for creating a director as spectacularly mad as Michael Bay.

The "plot" - and I use the term loosely - picks up two years after the first film.

Our young hero Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is bound for college, much to the dismay of his unjustifiably hot girlfriend Mikaela Banes (Fox).

null

But unbeknown to Sam, a stray shard of the All Spark (do keep up . . . that's the ancient Cybertronian artifact from Transformers 1) has planted a secret code in his brain.

The Decepticons (the bad 'Formers) need the code to find a key called the Matrix of Leadership - not a great name, if we're brutally honest.

This in turn unlocks an ancient weapon that will give them all the power they need to restore their ailing race . . . at the small price of destroying Earth's sun.

Meanwhile, the heroic Autobots - led by Optimus Prime and including fan favourites Bumblebee and Sideswipe - must protect Sam and the code, and thereby avert global disaster.

It's less a storyline than an excuse to string together massive action sequences, of course.

But, crucially, it never seems forced or sloppy. The film flows beautifully from one epic dust-up to the next, and none of them feel acked on for the sake of it (one of Terminator: Salvation's most dismal flaws).

And in the new Transformers movie, every ogle-worthy scene's been lavished with care too.

Witness the unusual - but inspired - moment during the Egyptian village showdown, when the director's drooling camera sweeps through bullet cracks and keyholes to soak up every last bit of mayhem.

null

The early Shanghai set-piece is a benchmark 2009 action sequence - and it's bettered by a brilliant forest brawl between Optimus and three Decepticons.

And Shia's even gone back into the studio to dub in a swine flu gag. It's not very funny. But the obvious attention to detail proves the snobs - who've (inevitably) labelled this film blockbusting by numbers - sorely wrong.

Meanwhile, Megan Fox cements her reputation as a new screen icon. You know how the camera loves some women? Well, it blimmin' worships this one.

And justifiably so. There could be £10 million worth of rendered effects blazing away on screen (and there often is) yet if Meg's in shot, they fade to the background.

So yes, this film is as dumbed down as they come - and despite what the old theme song might claim, there is not "more than meets the eye" here.

Instead, it's exactly that everything does meet the eye - robots, explosions, hot women and dumb gags.

There are cheap shots all over. At one point when the story gets emotional, Bay cuts to a comedy sequence of two humping hounds.

Shamelessly, he pulls the exact same trick less than two minutes later.

And just when you think fading robot Jetstream's going to be some kind of incisive comment on ageism . . . whoops, there's a fart sound effect.

But any attempt to mock Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is doomed to fail.

Cos the film doesn't claim to be any more than surface-polished to a dazzling sheen by one of the best boom-bang-a- bang merchants in the business.

And yes, I have to admit it's not perfect. At 147 minutes, it's way too long and the cuts should have been obvious (nobody would miss the Egypt police chase).

The opening scene with the cavemen is rubbish. And Autobot sidekicks Mudflap and Skids are a pair of prime comedy headaches.

But you don't go to see a Transformers film to be enlightened.

You go to be dominated - by effects, by noise and by Megan Fox and her slow-mo jiggling.

So are tawdry thrills like these really worth the price of a multiplex ticket?

Come now, fellow thickos. We all know the answer. Durrr.

OUT NOW

• Telstar (15)
• The End Of The Line (12A)
• Watch exclusive Ice Age 3 video

This article has 4 comments