Gigantic (15)

GIGANTIC starts in a mattress factory, which sets the scene nicely for the 1½- hour snoozefest that follows.

Paul Dano-the first romcom lead in history to look like he's been cast from the molesters' register-is bed salesman Brian.

Dano played the weasely priest in There Will Be Blood, and it's a role you won't be able to stop thinking about here-specifically, you'll wish Daniel Day Lewis would lope out of the shadows and smack him in the side of the head.

Brian's trying to adopt a Chinese baby. No idea why. Then Zooey Deschanel shows up to buy a bed for her grumpy dad (John Goodman). She plays the same quirky bint always played by Zooey Deschanel-ie meant to be kooky but perfect girlfriend material, whereas in real life you'd want to hurl her off a bridge seconds into the relationship. Her name's Happy but I was too Grumpy and Sleepy to give a monkey's.

This is an indie comedy, meaning rather than being funny (cos that's SO mainstream), it's just odd, with Dano's dad making pinatas that look like dictators, and Zooey saying: "Do you have any interest in having sex with me?" rather than anything real.

This is some of the worst writing of the year, from the meaningless title down. Oh yeah, and a tramp keeps showing up to beat up Dano throughout. Not quite sure why, but I applaud the effort.

OUT FRIDAY

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