THIS planet has seen some mammoth quests in its time. The Holy Grail. Excalibur. The race to the moon.

More recently? A barber who can give Simon Cowell a buzz cut without leaving a centre parting.

An X Factor winner who can shift even one twentieth of the units Leona Lewis has.

And The Bill's Alex Walkinshaw's brave bid to thwart the nutty David Tennant Block Voting Crew and win Best Drama Performance at this Wednesday's National TV Awards (Vote Smiffy!).

Valiant missions for sure.

But all dwarfed by the incredible search undertaken by one brave soul at ITV2's KATIE & PETER.

For, with a wedding vow renewal ceremony around the corner, Katie Price hit the shops with a special outfit in mind:

"I want a dress that makes me look like a virgin again."

Blimey, Kate. That's one hell of a seamstress you're after.

Pete on the other hand? He just popped down to his usual tailors (Doesn't Suit You, Sir) for something that would do justice to such solemnity.

And the fact that he came out clutching a tacky, over-styled abomination is my favourite TV truth of the year.

But before we get to that ceremony (Thursday, ITV2 9pm- you kind of have to watch really) you'll no doubt want to know why Katie & Peter were hopping over to South Africa to redo their I dos.

Was it because a magazine was paying for the whole trip? (Now, now. That's very cynical.)

That they fancied a break from the kids? (Now you're just being mean.)

That Pete was sweating like a kebab on a spike at the original wedding and ruined all the pictures? (It's a fair point.)

Or that, as Katie said, they wanted to "solidify" their love. (That must be the right answer. Although, surely they did that on the wedding night?)

Touching stuff, of course.

But my job demands that I offer another possible explanation. Namely, this was a desperate attempt to breathe some life into a reality show which has been on its ass ever since its one truly memorable episode (that wedding).

The interim offerings? Countless shameless plugs for Katie's businesses. Pete's year-long bout of viral man flu. Katie's unnerving and unending bid to look like The Bride Of Ronsealstein. Untold games of "you say, we say" with the media. Several failed relaunches of Pete's music career. And endless complaints about press intrusion (usually interspersed with intimate footage of their children).

All of which means if this wedding vow malarkey doesn't work only one throw of the dice remains. Divorce.

Extreme perhaps, but just imagine the mileage they'd get out of it.

Might even make it on to ITV1.

QUERY: Re weight-conscious Pete's claim that he only eats one meal a day. Anyone else got their money on a KFC family bucket?

M&S beef whore Piers Morgan reckons I'm lying about THE DARK SIDE OF FAME.

In his TV listings mag column he claims it has actually enjoyed "good ratings and widespread critical acclaim."

Well, knowing how much Piers hates newspaper inaccuracies I have done some clarifying research.

Findings? The critical acclaim appears to spread only as wide as one other review, which labelled him "a sycophantic, oleaginous interviewer."

As for those ratings, in the space of four weeks they skydived from a passable 2.8million to a diabolical 1.24million.

Oh dear. As with Trinny & Susannah, the BBC appear to be letting Piers go to ITV at exactly the right time.

Still, I should thank him for reprinting my review in his column.

And as he exposed my jokes to a wider audience for free it's only fair I promise to return the favour.

And as soon as he writes one I will.

THIS MORNING, Wednesday. Kerry Katona was on the sofa.

Wide-eyed, twitching, slurring her words and clearly unsure what day it was.

Still, nice to see she's getting better.

BLAND ON THE RUN

X FACTOR. After two Big Bland Nights the judges were fair pumping the positivity at Big Band Night.

For sure, it was a lot better. But we still have just one truly distinctive voice (Diana), some shouty Jane McDonald tribute acts and far too many Stars In Their Eyes dancers.

And with all these kids being stabbed on the streets why the hell did Simon Cowell tell Austin to do Mack The Knife?

Still, at least I've worked out why it's called X Factor. Cos the pre-song VTs are all the frickin' same: "If X doesn't do X tonight then X could be going home."

Elsewhere? Ruth's mum would have done Peter Kay proud. Fluffy-haired homework-dodger Eoghan was more Eowok.

Make-up had sorted out Simon's sweaty "jet-lag" sheen. Grrrmot O'Leary was still talking like Tony The Tiger. ("This is grrreat, people!")

And Cheryl Cole revealed "when Laura opens her mouth it just naturally happens."

So that's her record deal sorted.

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