THE X FACTOR. The Beatles had it. Elvis had it. Madonna had it. The Spice Girls had it. Hell, even Cliff had it once.

And two years ago any fool could see Leona Lewis had it as well.

But this year's final 12?

I'm sorry Simon - on last night's evidence they just don't have it.

One standout voice (and even she's no Jamelia.) A couple of pleasant enough singers. A Lesley Joseph-haired Benidorm's Got Talent quarter-finalist. Tina from Corrie's big sister. Ricky Gervais dressed as a Ryman League centre half at a Christmas party.

Goblin

A runaway choirboy up way past his bedtime. A rat-faced weeping goblin child. A catatonia-inducing harmony group (Boyzzzzz To Men). A brace of girlbands who look like they're perpetually on their way to (or back from) a hen night...

Not great was it? And, if you believe Mr Shouty Announcer Man's original figures, you have to wonder how 181,988 acts could be worse than this lot.

It started badly enough with Girlband looking like they tumbled out of a box of Quality Street (complete with a Big Purple One).

And it rarely improved as a succession of "nervous" kids (at least I think they were nervous, no one mentioned it) warbled over a selection of backing tracks which were so tinny I started thinking Austin (Feargal Shortie) had brought his karaoke machine with him.

Hard to pick an absolute lowpoint, but I think we'll have to go with ex-crack-addict mum Rachel Hylton, who really should have changed her song's lyrics to "and it hurts with every missed beat".

Yet listen to Dermot "Hey, People" O'Leary and you'd think it was the best show ever. Clearly aware that the excellent Holly Willoughby is waiting in the wings, crawly bumlicker Dermo had burped his first "This. Is. Brilliant!" before the first ad break.

Sad truth is, without a Rhydian or a Same Difference, this competition was over as a viewing spectacle before Brian Friedman "creatively directed" his smoke machine's On switch.

Cos, blinded by his puppy dog love for The X Factor's new Princess Of Hearts and driven by a quick buck merchant's desire to "emulate" the success of Amy Winehouse and Duffy, Cowell has gone and given Cheryl Cole the whole show.

Ah, Cheryl. We wondered whether our favourite former nightclub brawler would fit in. And we got our answer inside the first ten minutes with her flawless "you owned that stage". Beautifully followed by a tidy "you picked the wrong song for your voice", a fair few "I like/love yous" and a barnstorming "you nailed that tonight" finale.

She certainly had a better night than Simon "Potentially" Cowell. Outed, brilliantly, by one of Bad Lashes for rehashing tired old lines, and regularly shouted down by Louis Walsh and Nannii Minogue. No wonder he had a Stan Laurel face by the end, once he'd got Ruth's name wrong. Still, we shouldn't be too hard on him. He's got a big problem to deal with.

Namely, how is he going to cook up enough spin to persuade anyone to vote for this lot?

You'll have to work fast Si. Otherwise, one thing's for sure.

Come Abba night this year you won't be doing Money, Money, Money.

X FACTOR queries: With Bad Lashes nicknaming themselves Baby Lash, Freaky Lash, Craic Lash and Lady Lash, if Nannii joined the band now they're out would she be Ghoul Lash?

Squeeze

If Girlband seek urgent remedial action after all those fat jibes will they be renamed Gastric Band?

Did the stunned studio silence which greeted Nannii's enquiry about Eoghan, 16, having a girlfriend finally seal her long-term future on this show?

When Simon told Diana she was like Marmite was that because he'd like to take her top off and give her a little squeeze?

When will Louis tell Rachel that he loves "the craic" as well?

Did Diana have her hair cut at the same garden centre as Simon?

And when Nannii told dead wife guy he was the bravest person she'd ever met was she not including all the people who've seen her without her make-up on?

MISTER CHUBBY

PRESUMABLY still bridling because he isn't famous enough to avoid having to be identified on the new M&S advert, Piers Morgan ploughed on with THE DARK SIDE OF FAME.

This week's guest? Mickey Rourke. And if you're wondering how the chubby, puffy-faced old has-been coped under the studio lights, don't worry: He was fine.

And so was Mickey.

As for Piers insisting on that M&S ad his steaks must always be "as thick as my chubby thumb." Hmmm. Gonna need a bigger cow.

IT'S JESSIE WALL-RUS

MOST honest choice of music so far at STRICTLY COME DANCING last night as Jessie Wallace went for one of Lennon & McCartney's finest, Help.

But anyone who suggests she could have been even more honest if she'd gone for I Am The Walrus is not welcome in this column.

Elsewhere? Tess Daly's Sunday night script still says "join Claudia on Monday" instead of the more logical "tomorrow".

And I'm finding the judges' half-time backstage fruit breaks disproportionately amusing. Plus? Arlene Phillips reckons "some of the boys are sliding down snakes." (I think you could be right there, Arl.)

Voters have surely marked the cocky Simone/Stevens card following this training room exchange:

Stevens: Can I do a backflip down the stairs? Simone: No, we'll save that for the final.

And, finally, Andrew "Woody Woodpecker" Castle has admitted acting out "some moves" with Ola Jordan every night in his bedroom by himself.

You and hundreds of others, mate.

SHAKE 'N CACK

WITH no offence intended to Judy, you can't describe the start enjoyed by RICHARD & JUDY'S NEW POSITION as anything other than shaky.

How shaky? Well, let's just say if it carries on like this it could be the first time there are more people standing in a chat show's guest holding area than there are tuning in at home.

Yes, I know I warned them their new channel Watch would be quickly renamed Don't Watch. But it would be wrong of me to further intrude on their grief with an "I told you so."

Instead let's enjoy together this pre-show boast from our old friend Mystic Madeley:

"Either everything I know about television is wrong or we're right on this. It's the place to be, the future of television."

NB. Richard & Judy's next position? My guess is "standing up".

In a dole queue.