A DISAPPOINTING start at the latest STRICTLY COME DANCING marathon.

First, Craig Revel Horwood's pre-show boast that he was "going to give Gary Rhodes one" turned out to be merely a score prediction.

Then Bette Midler failed to update her results show song to Wind Beneath My Bingo Wings in honour of Jessie Wallace.

And if you think that's harsh I wasn't the one who kept calling her Jelly Wallace last night, Brucie.

Elsewhere in that ballroom? It's very much business as usual.

Brucie's gag writer (Mr B. Forsyth) has been dropping more stinkers than a pig with gastroenteritis.

Tess Daly's fake tan allowance for the entire series was running dangerously low after the first results show.

Sweating

Arlene Phillips has been slobbering over a celebrity man with whom she has even less of a chance than normal.

Bruno Tony Oily's top lip has been sweating like Piers Morgan at a Slimmers World weigh-in. Freshly (and unwisely) mulleted Craig has told a black contestant they have natural rhythm.

And Ola Jordan's Week 1 catsuit has surely had a little orange man in 10in Cuban heels stomping round the X Factor studios wishing his show could be half this sexy.

Meanwhile, I'm happy to report I have already chosen my favourite, my twizzling turkey and my total loser. Andrew Castle, Gillian Taylforth and "I'm Gary Rhodes. The Chef."

That Castle deserves to win is beyond doubt. Any man who can concentrate on dance steps in the face of Ola Jordan's gravity-defying sideshow is made of strong stuff.

Castle wasn't even ruffled. In fact, not a hair on his head moved an inch (although, to be fair, not a hair on his head has moved at all since 1987.)

As for Gillian it will be a tragedy if she's in the dance-off. She's a potential Garraway and Phillips all rolled into one.

Week 1 she turns up dressed as a trapeze artist. Week 2 she foxtrots to Razzle Dazzle and makes it look more like Readers' Wives Dazzle.

Who knows, if she makes it through to Week 3 we might even see her old wine bottle trick. Rhodes, though, must go. The shark-eyed, spiky-haired try-hard might well do 250 crunches every morning but it's still not enough to squash that monstrous ego.

Payback

Still, he's not the only one with a touch of the Gabby Logans. Cos walking the tightrope between sporting determination and desperate ambition we also have Rachel Stevens, Lisa Snowdon and Christine Bleakley.

That's Stevens, who has at least been dealt some sort of payback - being forced to dance with preening Italian pawer Vinthent Thimone.

Snowdon, who would rather you didn't mention George Clooney (before she's had a chance to). And Bleakley, who I'm guessing isn't a girls' girl and who is already fooling no-one with that "what, little ole me?" self-deprecating bull.

I don't care that these ladies all dance well. Or that they look good. I want them out.

And I want Castle, Taylforth and either Robson Green's little brother Austin Healey or John "Dead Man Waltzing" Sergeant in the final three.

But before all that plays out I have a question.

When Karen Hardy said she can't describe Gary Rhodes without mentioning "the P word" was I the only viewer left a little dismayed that the word was "perfectionist"?

Cos I had at least three alternatives lined up.

HARD to avoid cornflake-spitting at GMTV on Monday as everyone's favourite TV phoneline con artists launched their latest consumer campaign with this appeal to viewers:

"Have you ever been ripped off or ill-treated as customers?"

Unbelievable. Have this lot got more front than Rosie Webster or what?

Still, I did enjoy Wednesday's item about a viewer who has created a Lego version of the GMTV team. Hell of a sight.

Unpleasantly plastic, garishly-coloured, painted-on smiles, immovable hair.

As is the Lego version.

IN his BBC2 documentary LOSING IT Griff Rhys Jones claimed he wanted to find out what made people angry.

Also on the show? Air-brained Big Brother fruitloop Chanelle Hayes.

That ought to do it, Griff.

ADVERT query. Re Costcutter's current promotion which features great deals on "everyday shopping" such as, erm, cider, vodka and gin.

Who's shopping there every day? Amy Winehouse?

CRYING SHAME

NEWS from THE X FACTOR. Cheryl Cole reckons Simon Cowell has admitted the show has made him cry once although he won't say what caused the tears.

Having taken a sneaky look at this year's Final 12, I think I can solve the mystery.

Because Simon may soon have to revise his favourite mantra. From "this is a good, good year" to "this is an average, average year."

No Rhydian-like showman. No Same Difference-like cabaret for the kiddies. And no voice like Leona Lewis. Never mind, Si. Britain's Got Talent starts again soon.

FOOTNOTE. I am indebted to XTRA FACTOR's excellent Holly Willoughby for revealing that the judges' preferred catering option is McDonald's.

Greasy, bland, over- produced, over-commercialised junk which may make you unnaturally happy for a brief moment, but which could ultimately leave you feeling wholly unsatisfied, depressed and a wee bit grubby.

Thank God no-one's ever made a TV show like that.

ROSIE'S CHEEK

AESTHETICALLY pleasing it may well have been. But I swear there were bells tolling as Rosie stripped off on CORRIE.

A definite case, if ever I saw one, of two wongs not making a right.

Fact is, I remember the good old days when the only pair of lively t*ts this show required to pull the viewers in were Curly Watts and Reg Holdsworth.

Sadly, it seems ITV have decided Britain's best soap needs to be more like Britain's worst soap, Hollyoaks.

A potentially suicidal move. Which makes it all the more important to celebrate the simple touches which used to flow so naturally out of Weatherfield.

Like Deirdre reading aloud Vernon's letter to Liz on Monday night.

Funny, touching and understated. You'll miss it when it's gone.

SUCH BAD LADS

WHEN WOMEN RULE THE WORLD. A C4 reality show which ponders what might happen if the ladies seized supreme power.

EASTENDERS. A BBC1 show whose producers are currently providing the answer.

Just check out these latest character CVs.

New boy Callum: controlling, manipulative, womaniser.

New boy Archie: controlling, manipulative, bully.

New boy Tony: controlling, manipulative, paedophile.

The only surprise being we haven't had a rapist, wife-beating drunk for a while.

Still, soon be Christmas.

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