TERRIFYING scenes on telly last night as a poor, bewildered teenage boy came face to face with a slobbering, cold-eyed, snag-toothed old dragon.

No. Simon Cowell hasn't given Sharon Osbourne her old job back.

(Although, with the way Dannii Minogue's been underperforming this year . . .)

It's MERLIN. BBC1's latest attempt to coax some viewers away from Cowell's evil brainwashing clutches.

Well, I say viewers. But I mean kids. Because unlike Doctor Who there is no way you can say this is anything but a kids' programme.

And, if this opening episode was anything to go by, it's already up way past its bedtime.

Score

It's not a bad show. You can see they've spent the money well. And I'm sure lots of teenage girls (and Sharon Osbourne) will think the guys playing hunky Prince Arthur and geeky Merlin have got the, um, Excalibur Factor.

But any moron can see it should be on before Strictly Come Dancing, not straight after it. Why the Beeb's schedulers have suddenly got cold feet about tackling Cowell's karaoke lot on ITV1 is beyond me.

Each time they've gone head to head with X Factor in the past they've clobbered it.

Besides, Cowell's had a five- week competition-free head start to score some big ratings to shore up his series average for another year.

But I'll deal with Strictly next Sunday once we've seen them all dance. Let's get back to MERLIN.

It's by no means a disaster. And I'm sticking with that assessment even after seeing the trailer for Episode 2 which rather worryingly had Will Mellor down as the main draw.

But I'm afraid, for me, the magic was lost forever after just five minutes.

That's when Richard "Victor Meldrew" Wilson arrived playing Merlin's wise mentor Iggaius Pop.

Cos what did he do in his very first scene? Only went and ignored a golden opportunity to yell "I don't believe it!"

I couldn't believe it. Almost as unforgivable as that ludicrous blonde Spinal Tap wig he was wearing. And I can't help thinking that line was in the original script. Probably got taken out because some old luvvie didn't want to damage "the integrity of the work."

But I won't dwell on the disappointment. Because there was much to enjoy. Buffy man Anthony Head acting with one hand permanently behind his back as Arthur's dad.

John Hurt hamming it up in the dungeon as the voice of the dragon. And Torchwood's lovely Eve Myles donning the prosthetics to play a haggard old harridan who was pretending to be a sexy young singer (presumably inspired by Madonna's current Sticky & Sweet tour.)

Sadly, long term you have to worry that Merlin will suffer for two main reasons.

It's nowhere near as witty as Doctor Who and a million miles away from the magic of Harry Potter.

How can the Beeb improve its chances? Dunno.

I suppose they could always break for two minutes and get Arthur or Merlin to do the National Lottery draw.

Ah, I see. Wrong Camelot.

DALE Winton's new BBC1 gameshow HOLE IN THE WALL. The novelty might wear off quickly but on first look you can see why the format has been such a hit around the world. As Dale himself said, where else would you see "six celebrities head to toe in lycra bending their bodies into the most unusual shapes"?

Well, unless you were lucky enough to be invited to one of Dale's special house parties.

MOST unimpressed with Five's new lumberjack docusoap AXE MEN. Yes, they cut down trees. But so far not one of them has:

Pressed wild flowers.

Worn high heels, suspenders OR a bra.

Been shopping on Wednesday or had buttered scones for tea.

Put on women's clothing and hung around in bars.

In fact, all they seem to do is sleep all night.

And work all day.

Cat

BBC1's The Family, 1974. TV at its most groundbreaking.

C4's THE FAMILY, 2008? A pointless exercise.

The Hughes family know far too much about how reality TV works and are acting their noisy little hearts out.

The viewers know far too much about how reality TV works and are not falling for any of it.

Still, I do quite like the cat.

JONATHAN ROSS: A TENTATIVE APOLOGY. Recently, I may have implied your chat show had had its day. In fairness I have to point out Friday's show was quality work.

Although to be equally fair that was mainly down to a guest list which included Ben Stiller, Paul O'Grady and the delightful Cheryl Cole (no, me neither).

I'll accept the lesson if you will JR.

DUMB & YUMMER

A DISTINCT lack of decent footage at KATIE & PETER-THE NEXT CHAPTER. Which, desperate as ITV2 are these days, suggests The Final Chapter can't be too far away.

But first, all the excitement of a house move. And Katie (below) was busy deciding what useless junk they could do without.

Amazingly, Peter's home recording studio survived. Not that he needs a recording career anymore, of course.

Cos he's just been named Celebrity Dad Of The Year. By Daddies Sauce. (Yum, Katie's favourite.) Narrowly beating the likes of, erm, infamous nanny-fiddler Jude Law and self-confessed lazy dad Liam Gallagher.

(Presumably Josef Fritzl's entry got lost in the mail, although I guess that kinda serves him right for asking his daughter to post it.)

As for horse-loving Katie, she was busy competing in her first dressage competition (can't help thinking ITV2 would have preferred some "undressage", luv.)

And then it was time for the main business of the night - shamelessly plugging her latest business venture. Home furnishings.

"We've transferred your personality on to bed linen," explained one of her breathless lackeys.

Sadly, we didn't see the linen in question. But I'm guessing it'll need a bloody good wash.

A PIERS TAKER..

MONDAY, BBC1. A worryingly orange Piers Morgan (think an Oompa Loompa with giantism) interviewed Jim Davidson for THE DARK SIDE OF FAME.

And what did the sad, smarmy, balding, tubby, right-wing relic have to say for himself?

Well, nothing much. He just asked Jim a few questions.

FOOTNOTE. Rumours from the States suggest NBC is considering giving Piers his own current affairs talk show. Can't see it myself.

Piers will always be more Burger King than Larry King.

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