TUESDAY, 21.00 hrs. And I have disastrous news from ITV2’s new celebrity aircrew reality show.

For, if sources are to be believed, an enraged Heather Mills pulled out at the last minute when the producer innocently suggested she’d be great at the “short hops.”

Okay, I may have made that up. But sometimes in this job you just have to make your own entertainment.

Especially when, in the very week the world’s most boring woman won Big Brother 9, ITV2 were hammering another nail in reality television’s coffin by giving airtime to CELEBAIR.

The world’s first no budget airline.

A stupid idea which should never have been allowed to get off the ground.

Stick Leslie Nielsen on a jumbo jet with a brilliant script, a great supporting cast and big-name guest stars and you get Airplane!, the greatest disaster movie spoof of all time.

Stick Kenzie from Blazin’ Squad on a Monarch flight to Spain and ask him to serve lemon tea to Andi Peters (the man who puts the cant in Alicante) and you get the greatest TV disaster of all time.

So bad the alternative show titles are already stacking up all the way back to Gatwick.

Queasyjet. Scum Fly With Me. Spamair. Aer Mingus. Fakes On A Plane . . . And it gets worse. Because, for me, the whole show was grounded the minute I realised Naomi Campbell wasn’t going to be one of the celebrity passengers.

And it was totally blown out of the sky when an even more unforgivable oversight became apparent.

Namely, Chico was not planning to follow the passengers to their resort to sell them Chico Timeshare.

Yes folks, Chico Slimani is on board. The X Factor’s one-time goat herder, now rounding up cattle class.

And, for once, enjoying a rare honour: Being by far the biggest showbiz name on a celebrity reality show.

The rest? A motley cabin crew whose careers were up in the air long before they joined this show.

Including: Pursed- lipped, squeaky- voiced Tamara Beckwith, the former IT Girl who looks and sounds like she’s suffering from a constant loss of cabin pressure.

Loud-mouthed, 747-arsed, frequent fryer Amy Lame who hit terminal verbosity within the first ten minutes.

Former Steps singer Lisa Scott Lee, who clearly taking advantage of excess baggage charges being waived, has snaffled a place on the crew for her husband Johnny Shentall (Pies In The Sky).

Plus all manner of reality show washouts, one hit wonders, glamour girls and, somewhat inexplicably, respected comedy impressionist Phil Cornwell. (I’m sure he and his accountant had their reasons.)

Basically, if (God forbid) that plane ever crashed it would leave a large hole on the runway. And an even bigger one on OK! Magazine’s naff party pages.

As for the rest of the show, I can offer you little. It’s hosted by a former children’s presenter Anjellica Dumbbell. Is filmed in a variety of unsuitable locations, each one noisier than the last. And lacks any of the ingredients for a successful reality show: characters, format, jeopardy, eye-candy, conflict, excitement, Ant or Dec.

And that’s CelebAir, folks. Departing every Tuesday for the next two months.

From Terminal Boredom.

HAPPY ENDING

GMTV, Monday. A big shout to whoever put the following words next to Andrea Maclean as she did her weather report: “Wettest and dullest on record.”

Although, to be fair, Andrea has fought off some tough competition.

Speaking of which, and just in case anyone hadn’t already heard the news, Fiona Phillips may have mentioned she’s leaving. Just the once or twice, you understand.

Plus, a couple more times on Tuesday. Followed by the odd three or four hints on Wednesday, including a somewhat desperate plea to Thandie Newton to get her a part in Guy Ritchie’s next film (hmm, I’m thinking Guy will already be okay for skinny, middle-aged, bottle blondes.)

The weird thing is I’m actually starting to feel a bit sorry for Fiona. Cos she must surely have realised a few truths about her farewell. Namely, her good friend Gordon Brown won’t be announcing a day of mourning.

The Queen won’t be offering comfort to the nation live from Buckingham Palace. And there won’t be an ocean of flowers five bouquets deep outside the GMTV studios.

Still, at least she can always rely on the support of her colleagues on the show. Who, mere days after Fiona handed in her notice, launched a new Jim’ll Fix It style competition with this stunningly apt slogan:

“GMTV — the show that makes your dreams come true.”

A BLIND DATE

A FEW shafts of light over at CORRIE where Vernon’s song for Liz, The Mason’s Charms, ought to be made available on download.

Elsewhere a few questions. When Eileen admitted, “When I think of some of the stunts I’ve pulled there’s no wonder I’m still single,” was I the only viewer who rewound the Sky Plus to check she’d said “stunts”. When Sean said he had to rush back with Fiz’s chocolate to stop her "PMT" getting worse, was she suffering Pre-Minstrel Tension.

When Tom spurned Sean’s advances claiming he wasn’t “like that” did he mean nowhere near drunk enough?

And when heart attack victim Sinbad claimed Theresa played him “like a Bontempi” was that cos he's got a dodgy organ?

But the biggest Corrie question right now is this:

With Tina dating David and Tina’s dad dating Gail, is it safe to assume there’s no Specsavers near the McIntyre family home?