Tear jerk Simon makes me weep

SATURDAY night, ITV1. And Cheryl Cole was in floods of tears.

No, Ashley hadn’t come home again reeking of cheap perfume and vomit.

She’d just been through a humiliating X FACTOR initiation ceremony.

A visit to Simon Cowell’s dressing room? No, just a Grade 3 sob story involving some bloke who she barely knew from Popstars: The Rivals. So contrived it lacked only a jumped needle sound effect and a quick burst of You Raise Me Up.

Yes, it’s back. The return I always look forward to. Mainly because it means Strictly Come Dancing will be on soon.

Lost

Until then? It looks like we’re in for more of the same old song.

But there is one notable change. The whole show appears to be fragranced by Simon “Fact” Cowell’s new aftershave: Desperation.

His show will still delight in parts but deep down, Bob The X Factor Builder (Can he fix it? Course he will) knows that it has forever lost something far more powerful. The ability to surprise.

And no matter how many times The Suntan Of Spin says “This is a good, good year” (just the three last night) he’s fooling no one. Least of all himself.

It may be miles better than Who Dares Sings. We may remain rightly grateful to SI-TV1 - sorry, ITV1- for serving up something half-decent to watch. But “miles better than Who Dares Sings” isn’t exactly the kind of line you want on your poster.

Of course, none of this would matter too much if the X Factor had returned with a barnstormer.

But it didn’t. Their most underwhelming opener ever, memorable for just two things: Dermot O’Leary sporting a new altar boy haircut and Simon’s helicopter sporting the word PIMP.

Meanwhile? The freaks were only mildly amusing (special mention to Rita the bubble-permed cleaner for her Barbara Windsor: The Panto Years look).

The sob stories crossed the pisstake border (Simon, should we really be exploiting Bridgend’s misery for entertainment, you grubby little man?)

And, most disappointing of all, the put-downs wafting from the judges table boasted more cobwebs than Louis Walsh’s wallet. Plus, as each series passes I’m less and less convinced by Simon’s musical knowledge. I suspect it ends where his wardrobe does: the 1980s.

Show him this year’s pop charts and he’d probably think Duffy is the Loony Tunes duck and Tings Tings are from Little Britain.

As for Cheryl, I’m sure there’s a personality in there somewhere. But it’s rather hampered by her monotone Geordie drone and her regrettable need to be Simon’s latest yes woman.

All she’s brought to the party so far is what she’s been bringing to Girls Aloud these last six years; a pretty face and a fair set of hooters.

To be fair that’s more than enough to have Dannii Minogue screwing her face up in a jealous rage. If Dannii could screw her face up, that is. But the fact remains Cheryl has just as big a conflict of interest as the rest of them. She won’t want a rival girl band to win.

Cowell won’t want anyone who’s a bit like Leona. Louis won’t be rooting for a boyband (to win). And if a drag queen shows up screeching over a hi-energy beat there’s little chance of a “yeeeeeeesssss!” from Dannii.

Not that I’ll be losing any sleep over any of it. Too busy praying for the words which would make my TV year: “Will Katie Price and her partner take to the dancefloor.”

Meantime I guess the least I can do is answer the burning question you’ve no doubt been racking your brains over since last night’s show.

He was called Leon. Leon Jackson.

FINAL recap from BBC1’s archaeology nonsense BONEHEADERS.

The cross of Christ.

Destroyed.

Boudicca’s remains.

Destroyed.

Excalibur.

Destroyed.

Four acting careers.

Destroyed.

OLYMPIC smutty names update. I’ve been alerted to the presence of a Miss Takeshita in the women’s kayak.

But Turkish freestyle wrestler Hakan Koc must be this week’s winner. Mainly because in Beijing “Turkey’s Koc” is normally a main course.

TV News. John Leslie says he’s ready to go back on telly and is looking for a suitable vehicle.

Crimewatch?

Barely Skilled

CORRIE latest. Molly’s annoying auntie’s catchphrase, “Only Pam,” is clearly short for “Only Pam thinks no-one’s noticed she’s a shameful rip-off of a character from Shameless who looks a bit like Cherie Blair.”

Sean’s fella Marcus revealed the man of his dreams is Jason Orange. (ah, such a pity he ended up with Bloated Orange instead).

When he took his shirt off Jack P Shepherd looked just like Adam Rickett (Adam Rickett now).

I couldn’t shake the feeling that hairdressing duo Peter and Paul might be gay.

Ken’s symbolic beard- shaving marked an untimely end to a brilliant whisky-fuelled interlude at the Barlow house.

And, according to studio insiders, nearly-naked Helen “Rosie Webster” Flanagan (above) is going to reveal even more in the coming months. Eh?

What has she got left to reveal? Apart from any discernible acting talent.

Matter of size

A FEW questions arising from ITV1’s documentary THE WORLD’S SMALLEST PEOPLE.

If the symptoms of primordial dwarfism really are “short stature and a high squeaky voice,” shouldn’t Paul Daniels at least have a check-up?

Does 3ft 6in Tanyalee Davis call herself a “stand-up” comic because that’s what the audience yells whenever she appears on stage?

Was the dating agency which Michael joined called Matchstickmakers?

At the dwarf Olympics, is it true the high jump champion smashed his own record when he leapt on to the podium to get his medal?

And, most importantly, at the gala dinner dance was the DJ really inundated with requests for Lo-Ho Silver Lining?

HELP required. During THE WRIGHT STUFF’s Monday discussion on Prince William’s tattoo did Wayne Sleep really say: “I wouldn’t object to a little swallow”?

And if so, was he talking about tattoos or Wills?

LATE X FACTOR Query. Re the alleged 180,000 applicants this year. How many actually got to see the judges? And how many were simply duped into standing around all day shouting “X Factor!” for the cameras?

Quote me on that

“People only stick their oar in when their own lives are too boring and pathetic.” —Jeremy Kyle. Oar in hand, weekdays ITV1.

TV JOY

THE only must-see shows of the week: FX’s DEXTER, BBC2’s THE TUDORS, Five’s BANGED UP ABROAD, Sky’s SOCCER SATURDAY and BBC2’s MOCK THE WEEK.

Plus, witnessing a small part of Andrew “my friends” Marr die each time he tried to make fibre optic cabling sound exciting on BRITAIN FROM ABOVE.

Andy Townsend’s shiny suit proving to be the only “second rate outfit” on show as supposed Belgian cloggers Standard Liege put the wind up Liverpoool.

And DRAGONS’ DEN. Where the BBC seemed perfectly happy for Messrs Jones, Bannatyne, Paphitis and Caan to plug their own businesses.

And where Deborah Meaden had these words for the inventor of a new kind of dog-poo scoop: “You’ve done a cracking job.” Actually Debs, I think you’ll find that was the dog.

Girl in knee-d

GMTV news. I’ve no idea why Kate Garraway was sporting knee plasters during the week.

But if she gets a pay rise anytime soon we may have to return to this one.

Elsewhere? Andrew Castle revealed there has been a massive surge of Brits booking holidays leaving theat the end of this month.

Unrelated footnote. Fiona Phillips returns to the sofa September 1st.

RATINGS update. THE CHARLOTTE CHURCH SHOW has lost a third of its audience during the current run.

Ever thought of a singing career, Charl?

Memo

To Richard Arnold. Dickie, best stop ending your show with teasers like: “We’ll be back next week with more of the same.” Cos the idea is to persuade people to watch.

To I’M A CELEBRITY producers. John Leslie says he’s ready to go back on TV. I think you know what must be done next.

Jane's stick trick

SURPRISING fun to be had at BBC2’s MAESTRO where eight celebrities are learning how to conduct an orchestra.

And I’m still beaming from the discovery that Blur’s Alex James now lives in a house (a very big house) in the country. Elsewhere? Bradley Walsh is clearly still so shocked at being asked to take part he’s grown a beard. (To be fair, the way his career’s been going since Corrie the only conducting he could see himself doing expect to do was probably on a bus).

Swingometer man Peter Snow’s early conducting style is perhaps best described as “OAP trying to scare pigeons off his garden from behind a double glazed door.”

Jane Asher, left, was told by her mentor, told her“I’ve admired your work for many years.” (The cakes mainly, by the looks of it). And judge Dominic Seldis confirmed something what many observers have been suspecting ever since her early days hanging out with the Beatles: “Jane Asher has a very good stick technique.”

PS. Goldie to win.

Ender this pain

A FEW pointers from Patsy Kensit’s family tree at an emotional WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE where, early doors, it transpired one of her ancestors “knew how to sell himself”.

Sadly, Patsy was so bemused by another forefather’s profession, goldbeating, she had to ask an expert what it was (it’s a few stages back on the chain from gold digging, love.)

Thankfully she was slightly more in tune with her great, great, great grandfather James whose profession was listed as “wood turner.” Well, let’s face it, Patsy has turned a fair amount of wood in her time.

FOOTNOTE. Later in the series Jodie Kidd will be making sense of her ancestry. Hardly the first time she’s sorted out the family line.

THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW is now sponsored by Think Bingo. Odd. Considering the kind of guests he has, surely it should be Think Bingo Wings?