BREATH well and truly taken at UNDRESS THE NATION as Trinny and Tranny revealed their latest campaign.

Namely? To “turn the Great British bum into a thing of great beauty.” Brilliant! Someone’s finally giving Pete Doherty a makeover.

But no. It was just another lame attempt at flogging a horse that is so dead it’s already in the glue pot.

HAVE YOUR SAY: HAVE TRINNY & TRANNY HIT ROCK BOTTOM

Trinny and Tranny molest a vanload of wobbly-bottomed women and somehow manage to get their own kit off in the process.

Unavoidable viewer reaction? A feeling that this double-act has finally bottomed out. It’s all so tired. Even their stunts are a bit “embarrassing auntie at a wedding disco.”

Irony

I mean, Trinny walking through a shopping centre with a megaphone shouting “we’re doing bottoms today!”. You’d never catch Gok Wan doing that. (Not during the day, at any rate.)

And as for their so-called “famous pink pod.” So well-known, if you plonked it down in any high street most people would just assume it was a gay toilet.

The biggest irony facing Trinny and Tranny right now? They’re not fashionable anymore.

Still at least they can claim one success. For, if their mission really is to “change the attitudes of British women,” then they must be delighted that almost four million have “changed their attitude” since the big ratings days of What Not To Wear? Why have so many ladies turned their back on them? Simple. You can only patronise women so much.

I mean, does Trinny seriously think having an unattractive bum is a woman’s “biggest fear” in life? Not breast cancer? Their child being knifed in the street? Their partner running off with another woman?

I’d even put George Clooney going bald higher on the list.

It’s no coincidence that this show is tanking in the ratings. And if Michael Grade is really keen on cutting costs, then for him a new Trinny & Tranny contract should be What Not To Sign.

Either that or renegotiate them down and stick this show in daytime where it belongs.

A fact that is true of most of ITV1’s 9pm output these days.

Doc Martin repeats, Poirot repeats, the risible Harley St. Truth is, a walkout from Ant & Dec or Simon Cowell and Gradey would be in even deeper trouble.

A walkout from all three and he wouldn’t be battling BBC1 anymore. He’d be sweating over Sky1. Surely he must accept that saving ITV is not really about ditching regional programmes or sacking hardworking press officers. It’s about making good programmes which don’t insult the public’s intelligence.

And a bit of editorial direction from the man at the top wouldn’t go amiss.

That way, Gradey, Trinny and Tranny wouldn’t stand there telling women they should be proud of their bottoms one minute—only to spend the next hour encouraging them to pad them up, push them up or cover them up.

Utterly brainless. And if you want another example of Trinny and Tranny’s real attitude to the sisterhood, look no further than those Littlewoods promos in each ad break.

Two totally bronzed, totally gorgeous Size Zero models flouncing around in flesh coloured undies.

Well done, Trin and Tran. You really know how to make women feel good about themselves.

LAUNDRY day at CORRIE where Theresa became perhaps the only person in Britain to refer to Jerry Morton’s underpants as “smalls.”

Elsewhere, Tina’s secretive emails forced David Platt into a spot of undercover detective work (Agent Really Orange?)

Harry the bookie turned up at the pub in a fetching 1970s Cup Final suit and tie.

And no one mentioned how different Gail’s face is looking following her recent “holiday”. (Don’t know where she went, but looks like it was blimmin’ windy.)

Meanwhile, off screen, soapland is buzzing with speculation over comedy Manc Liam Connor’s exit shtoryline.

Me, I’m going for ashashinashun. By shniper.

THE RICHARD ARNOLD SHOW, Friday. Dickie had this poser for hunky air steward Tom: “What sort of routes do you work?”

Genuine career enquiry? Or shameless chat-up line?

TV QUERY 1. Why isn’t Holly Willoughby’s new ITV2 current affairs panel show called Have I Got Boobs For You?

TV QUERY 2. If ITV2 can provide Billie Piper with a bum double and a boobs double for SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL, why can’t they do us a favour and get her an acting double too?

Brekkie Bonus

BREAKFAST TV mystery. How come the summer cover— Andrew Castle/ Kate Garraway on GMTV and Charlie Stayt/ Susannah Reid on BBC BREAKFAST — is much easier on the eye and ear than the supposed first teams?

And, more importantly, how long before the goons upstairs accept this?

FRIDAY morning. The news channels kept banging on about it being the luckiest day of the year.

At lunchtime, Jackie Brambles announced it was the last LOOSE WOMEN of the series. Man, when your luck’s in...

Beware of Dog

EXCITING times at EASTENDERS where, if you can tear yourself away from Inspector Truman of da Yard’s ongoing manhunt for The Great Potato Teef Of Walford Allotment, you might ponder the ease with which the Masoods have started their curry delivery service.

Cos the implication seems to be any Tom, Dick or Haroon can set up in their own kitchen without worrying about public health issues, council hygiene inspections etc, etc.

But, hey, this is Walford. Where anything can happen. Apart from a decent storyline.

This coming week’s biggie? Wellard snuffs it. Great, just what the cast needs on its hands.

Another dead dog.

FOOTNOTE. It seems resident slapper Claire has decided not to let Jesus into her life after all.

Which suggests she may have worked out The Second Coming isn’t what she’d initially hoped.

All of which means this soap’s only true “Pauline conversion” remains the time Wendy Richard went on holiday and came back permanently orange.

TV Joy

TV JOY. DEXTER (currently saving Sunday nights on FX). BBC3’s SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH marathon.

MOCK THE WEEK star man Frankie Boyle’s suggestion for things you’d never hear on Songs Of Praise: “Hello Canterbury, make some f****n’ noise!”

ITV4’s England Legends team being sponsored by Pukka Pies (and, by the looks of Bryan Robson and Paul Merson, also fed by).

The unnervingly spot- on Ross Kemp spoof on C4’s more hit than miss KEVIN BISHOP SHOW.

And DRAGONS’ DEN. Where fame junkie Peter Jones is now trying to get “my partner Tara” in on the act.

And where Deborah Meaden gave us this stunning career insight:

“Five years ago I was selling a product where if you banged the bottom a light came on.”

No, I never knew she worked at Anne Summers either.

FOOTNOTE. Plea to Duncan Bannatyne. Please stop saying: “Let me tell you where I am.”

Cos, Dunc, if we can all see you, I’m sure the contestants can.

Sleazy Peasy

ITV2’s airline-based reality show CELEBAIR. Given that Chico, Kenzie and Lisa Scott Lee are rumoured to be on the crew, should it be renamed Celebairhead?

And if Abi Titmuss agrees to take part will their pretend airline be nicknamed Really Easy Jet?

THIS MORNING, Weds. Eamonn Holmes was taste-testing jellies.

Hell of a sight. Oddly- shaped, wobbling all over the place, fair melting under the hot studio lights.

And the jellies were just as bad.

Wi That's No Lady

C4’s A WI LADY’S GUIDE TO BROTHELS. A decent enough documentary all but spoiled by a stage-hogging journalist who wanted to be the story rather than tell it.

Highlight? That shifty bloke who turned up at an Essex brothel confessing he was “into humiliation”. Plus, I was fascinated to learn that in New Zealand the acronym for a “small owner-operated brothel” is SOOB. I’ll leave you to speculate what the acronym for a “big” one would be.

Cos I’m too busy working on my latest pitch to Nintendo. A Wii Guide To Brothels.

And if you thought the Wii Sports tennis game gave you a sore arm, fellas.

IN BBC2’s upcoming reality show MAESTRO celebs have to take charge of an orchestra.

Hmmm. The only way I’d like to see whether Bradley Walsh is a good conductor would be if he had a couple of electrodes attached to his nuts.

Ade caught short

EARLY Olympic thoughts. After that brilliant opening ceremony, are London 2012 gonna have to rethink their George Sampson/Gin The Dog dance-off?

Did that massive firework display explain why I had to make do with a couple of crappy sparklers last Bonfire Night? Does the amount of make-up Sue Barker was wearing explain why the BBC had to send 437 staff over to Beijing?

Will Adrian Chiles (right) still be brave enough to wear those khaki shorts on air after three weeks of Chinese food? Is there a giant bowl of soup under the Bird’s Nest stadium? And, most importantly, does Korean marathon lady Kim Kum Ok have the smutty name gold medal sewn up already?

BACK at THE CHARLOTTE CHURCH SHOW vagrant muncher Alan Davies chastised the studio audience for making up their own jokes.

I’m guessing he’d not seen the show before.