LOS Angeles, November 2008. The forest has been blazing and poor old Doc from Back To The Future's house is now ash.

Sadly, over in New South Wales, ITV1's annual bush extravaganza has yet to catch fire.

Sure, we've seen the occasional spark ("I've got a bad gaaaaaag reflex!"). But something's not quite right.

It could be that like so many successful reality shows they've greedily put too many people in at the start.

It could be that there's an awful lot of knowing behaviour going on in that camp:

Joe Swash is copying Gaffney and Pasquale. Nicola McLean is copying Jordan (which, admittedly, could yet mean good trouser news for the camp's tubby, washed-up pop star David Van Day). Carly Zzzucker is copying Gemma Atkinzzzon. And Brian Paddick is copying anyone he thinks might be popular.

It could even be that Robert Kilroy-Silk totally ruined our enjoyment of his Bushtucker Trials by being too good at them. (And there was me thinking it wouldn't be possible to hate him more).

Or it could simply be that, as I hinted last Sunday, the I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE 2008 team sheet was looking about as all-star as Capello's starting XI in Berlin (hmm, that match really was well worth sacrificing this show's crucial early momentum for, wasn't it, ITV?).

In such desperate times England turned to the head of JT. ITV1, of course, must always turn to the genius of Ant & Dec.

The network's dutiful hamsters. Once more pedalling furiously to keep this show's wheels turning.

Yet some are still not happy. Knock them for Saturday Night Takeaway's fleecing phonelines if you like. But for the love of David Gest don't decry a very funny routine which involved the use of the word "b*ll**ks" way past the watershed.

That's just ridiculous. And also hilarious given that no one has yet mentioned Ant's pronunciation of "constable" Paddick. Or Dec asking us if we wanted to see Paddick (who I believe may be gay?) "pumping iron".

Particularly harsh to hammer poor old Dec, who right now is battling manfully to conceal the Bushtucker clearing which is opening up where his hair once grew.

Thankfully, aided by Robert Kilroy-Silk and David Van Day, Ant & Dec should see us through.

Kilroy may yet properly blow. And he's already revealed much about his private life including the news that he's only spent four nights apart from his wife in 48 years. (Aye. But what about the lunchtimes, Silksy?)

Van Day is doing exactly what he was booked for. Winding people up. Surely it can only be a matter of time before (the disappointing) Timmy Mallet announces Wackaday has become WackaVanDay and the entire camp gives David a good leathering.

As for the other campers? Not really worth a phone call so far. Although I am intrigued to hear more about Carly and Nicola's plans to fix Esther Rantzen, 68, up with a footballer.

I mean, they do know Wayne Rooney got married, right?

FOOTNOTES: 1. Re Joe Swash wondering what Ant & Dec call their todgers. "Even Littler Ant & Dec" surely?

2. Re Ant's trial advice to Nicola: "Swallow this and you're on your way." Ant, she's a glamour model. That's Page 1 of the handbook, mate.

THE X FACTOR's Take That night. Anyone else disappointed Rachel Hylton didn't give us a quick chorus of Relight My Crackpipe? No?

Okay. I'll take that on board.

THAT new COUNTDOWN numbers girl. Ten times cheaper than Carol Vorderman. And a hundred times fitter.

Those kind of maths I like.

(Memo to Jeff Stelling. Best borrow a couple of her hefty textbooks next time you do a photoshoot with her, matey. To stand on.)

URGENT clarification. NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL 1983 was an ITV1 nostalgia show that's frankly unacceptable in the noughties. Not the inscription on Jeremy Clarkson's wardrobe.

NB. Genuine tip for Nik Kershaw. Your new Gary Glitter look is so a bad style call.

JUMPING OFF A CLIFF

OVER at CORRIE Joe responded defiantly to his business woes by declaring: "I've been in bigger holes." (That's Joe, Gail's boyfriend.) Meanwhile, Hayley returned from Mozambique with news: "Africa changed me." (Really, Hayles? I thought that was Amsterdam.)

And Norris struggled with this competition tiebreaker: Say in 20 words what most appeals to you about Cliff Richard.

Pah, I could do it in five: He has to die sometime.

(Memo to Cliff's army: That's just a joke. Please don't send knitwear.)

HELP needed. Watching THE ANDREW MARR SHOW through a Heineken haze last Sunday morning I swear I heard would-be Chancellor George Osborne accusing Gordon Brown of playing "tricksy tricks" with taxation.

Tricksy tricks? Is that really the language of potential man of government, Porgy?

Sounds more like a name Bob Geldof would give a kid.

SI LEFT IN A SPIN

MY reaction to the STRICTLY COME DANCING furore?

It's that sad, bewildered little old fella I felt sorry for. Powerless as the media frenzy took hold, he was.

No, not John Sergeant. I mean Simon Cowell. Surely stamping his platforms in rage as his best spun plans were ruined by a fat bloke who can't dance.

More than once during the week I swear I had to pause and ask, "Is X Factor still on?"

As for Strictly, you can't really blame the four judges for abusing a poor, defenceless grandfather like that.

I mean, you only have to look at Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross to realise that kind of behaviour is positively endemic at the BBC these days.

What I did find most odd was the behaviour of Arlene Phillips. Looking increasingly dispensable by the day, Arlene insisted amateurish, badly-executed dance routines had no place on primetime weekend television.

And yet she is still happy to take that co-creator credit on BRITANNIA HIGH.

TV JOY

DAVINA McCall's guest captain stint on BUZZCOCKS (she could make a career out of this TV lark yet.)

BAND OF BROTHERS reruns on BBC2.

Becky's "welcome home" banner for Hayley on CORRIE: "Grrrreat to have you back." (Who's doing her copywriting? Grrrmot O'Learrry?)

Team Willis cheerleaders on ITV2's jungle show.

BBC1's badly scheduled OUTNUMBERED (it's like they're embarrassed at having a funny sitcom for once.)

And C4's hugely enjoyable docu about pets with medical problems SPECIAL NEEDS PETS.

Highlight? Poppy the squawker, who brought new meaning to "doing it parrot fashion" thanks to his unsociable habit of pleasuring himself (who's a dirty boy, then?)

But I was a tad alarmed when his owner asked, "Want to see what he does with a chicken bone?"

Surely we'd have to clear that with the chicken first?

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