I’m a Celeb , get my plug in here

LAST rites at CHILDREN IN NEED and, as he announced the EastEnders musical number was about to be shown again, Terry Wogan spotted someone yawning on the front row.

So, the yawner had obviously seen it the first time.

Yeah, yeah. I know. It's a good cause (here's that number again: 03457 332233).

And truly we should congratulate Terry and his chums for raising even more money than the Beeb pay their middle managers annually.

But this year it was more a case of Celebs In Need than ever before.

Fact is, the last time I saw this many plugs so gruesomely bludgeoned into place Austin Healey was having his hair done.

DAFFY

I wouldn't mind, but not only do the celebs get to whore their latest record/tour/musical to millions of viewers for free, one of the presenters also thanks THEM for selflessly giving up THEIR time and then asks them to remind us when it's released/tickets go on sale.

And, Alesha Dixon, yelling "Children In Need, yeah!" a couple of times while singing your new single doesn't make it okay.

Our only saving grace? That the "performances" given by Jason Donovan, Girls Aloud, X Factor winner Leon Jackstein, the cast of (BBC1-backed) Oliver!, daffy Duffy, and Simon Cowell's oily opera cashpoint Ill Divvos were so awful the public may have been persuaded NOT to invest in their latest wares.

Plus the satisfaction of knowing that, despite the BBC turning it into one looooooong advert for its own shows (the charity-free trailer for the Doctor Who Xmas episode being a particular disgrace), the only memorable moment of the night was provided by ITV's Coronation Street. Aided by C4's Gok Wan.

(The Top Gear meets Ashes To Ashes skit was also good fun but I'm marking it down for not being called Top Gashes.)

Now, the presenters. I fully sympathise with our friends in Scotland who endured Hardeep Singh E-Kohli. But we didn't fare much better.

Terry, of course, was his usual self. Pompous, smug, dithery and fat (rumours are the £60k raised by Gregg's the bakers was mainly thanks to Terry putting a quid in the bucket each time he went in last week).

Plus, his opening line reminding us of poor Baby P was one guilt-trip we could have done without.

Elsewhere Tess Daly prowled the stage like a woman who believes National Treasure status is a mere CBE away.

DIZZY

Still, we should thank her for pointing out: "Take That are scoffing all the Masterchef food backstage." (All of Take That? Or just one member in particular, Gary?)

But she was at her most revealing while discussing her attempts at ballroom dancing: "dizziness is what I struggle with most." (Sadly, she forgot to add "of my life.") Then there was Fearne Cotton, Children In Need's very own Presenter In Sincere.

No room here to discuss all her crimes but it must be said she was beyond patronising even before she announced, "This year's Children In Need is all about doing something different." (Aye, Fearne. And in your case let's hope next year really will be.)

Last word goes to Terry. Who surely spoke for an entire nation when he suddenly yelled: "Do we have to keep mentioning Strictly Come Dancing?!"

Yes, you do Terry. You're on BBC1. It's the law.

SUNDAY, November 2, 2008. Simon Cowell tells a magazine: "Mariah Carey has lost it."

Saturday, November 8, 2008. Live on THE X FACTOR Simon Cowell tells Mariah Carey: "You are the biggest star in the world." That's Cowell, folks. He could perhaps, arguably, have the potential to be the biggest hypocrite in television. Maybe.

NB. Last night's Best Of British theme. One Aussie judge. One Irish judge. One judge who spends most of the year in LA or Barbados. And one creative director who is American.

Well done, Britain. Be proud now.

CORRIE update. A solicitor informed Peter Barlow his "latex wife" Lucy had left him everything in her will. Hmm. Thought there was something a bit funny about her make-up.

Question. When Liz said she's now going to "Brazilian Crunch" classes is that a new exercise routine?

Or a new sexual technique?

PAST A CHOKE

STRICTLY COME DANCING latest. Shocking news about Len Goodman needing medical aid when a cough drop lodged on his throat while he was working on Dancing With The Stars.

Still, I'll bet he's not the first Strictly judge who's almost choked on a little sweetie backstage.

Elsewhere in the ballroom? People have been suggesting Erin Boag looks just like Celine Dion. (But no news yet on anyone daring to suggest she also goes down like the Titanic.)

Craig Revel Horwood's hair extensions are now officially a "disaaarsta" area. And Brendan Cole has been complaining his best side is "sometimes not shown on TV." (So try bending over more, Coley.)

Plus, latest loser Heather Small declared "I don't like to leave things half-done." (Unlike her hairstylist.)

The show's costume designer revealed "the celeb dancers can lose weight during the series" (take that as permission granted, John Sergeant.)

And, during his latest masterclass, legend Len warned Claudia Winkleman (above) he might accidentally press his "bony knob" against her. And if that doesn't prove he's a gentleman, I don't know what will.

NB. I'm told "bony knob" is a dancing term relating to one's hip bone. Sorry, Claud.

JUNGLE BUNGLE

I'M A CELEBRITY. Pre-show questions:

1. Martina and Kilroy aside, is this really the best line-up ITV could muster?

2. Should former boybander Simon Webbe be the early favourite to survive the jungle, given he spent five years with Baloo? (Sorry. But it was either that awful pun on -Simon's band Blue or a "Martina's in the bush" gag-and even this show's own website is doing those!)

3. Did Dani Behr keep changing her bikini on the beach to divert more critical eyes from her face?

4. Are ITV really stupid enough to give the show a night off after just three days because of a Germany v England friendly on Wednesday?

5. Will George Takei get over-excited and start rearing up in the Paddick?

6. When "model" Nicola McLean (no, me neither) said she'd been "hoping to see Pamela Anderson in there" did she write this year's show epitaph before it's even begun?

IT'S GM TEE-HEE

MONDAY morning. 10 Downing St. Gordon Brown had Fiona Phillips for breakfast.

Hardly the first time one of her interviewees has done that.

Elsewhere this GMTV week? Wednesday. Penny Smith declared "there's nothing wrong with a bendy cucumber" (No thanks Pen, you keep it.)

Thursday. Boasting that he helps his kids with school projects, Andrew Castle revealed he'd created a working volcano last Christmas. (Big deal. Me and my brothers do that every Christmas. Too many sprouts.)

Friday. Three Degree Sheila Ferguson, above, asked Rachel Stevens (brilliantly) "so . . . what do you do?", and also enlivened a discussion on Charles's 60th by asking "well, who could not love Diana?" (Dunno Sheila. Charles?)

But biggest news of the week was that the phone quiz questions just got even tougher:

"Which ITV reality show crowns its winner king or queen of the jungle? A) I'm A Celebrity. B) Britain's Got Talent. C) Dancing On Ice."

Damn you, Chegwin! You've foxed me again.

Is it X Factor?

TV JOY

MORE4's cracking Ali/Frazier docu THRILLER IN MANILLA.

Mel C in "Spice Girl with sense of humour shock" on BUZZCOCKS. Raquel Cassidy making sarcasm even sexier in Jack Dee's LEAD BALLOON.

Robin Williams taking over on THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW (watch/record the extended repeat tonight BBC2, 11.50pm).

THE BILL's anglo- German special (but why wasn't it called "Das Beat"?)

My inability to avoid thinking of Alan Partridge's "tie and blazer badge combination pack" special offer each time I watched Prince Charles giving a talk to local businessmen in BBC1's 60th birthday gushfest.

And finally, Roxy Mitchell suggesting her missing dog Albert had been tempted away by "that shitzu on Turpin Road."

Eh? There's a zoo on Turpin Rd?

LITTLE GEM

MAIN news from CELEBRITY COME DINE WITH ME where, according to the narrator, "dressing her lettuce is a problem for Nancy Sorrell." (Pity. Still, it's probably what first attracted Vic Reeves to her.)

Elsewhere Jimmy Osmond bizarrely declared "I'm not a big sausage lover." (Calm down, Jim. No one ever said you were.)

And "underwear entrepreneur" Caprice shocked Jimmy when he spotted her Tupperware box under the dinner table.

Blimey. Is there nothing these surgeons can't do?

FANCY FAT

FINAL knockings at ITV2's KATIE & PETER guffathon where Katie was discussing how love can affect a person's weight: "When you're comfortable with someone you pile on the pounds."

Fair enough, Kate. But we still have to wonder about Pete.

Cos no-one's that comfortable.

URGENT plea to Holly Will- oughby. Swearing on CELEBRITY JUICE is not shocking and does not make you funny. In future, please don't listen to your husband or anyone else on the production team if they tell you otherwise.

DO YOU AGREE WITH IAN? email: ian.hyland@notw.co.uk

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