Baby whodunnit wins the Trottery

HIGH drama at EASTENDERS as we finally discovered Darren Miller was the daddy of Heifer Trott's tot.

But, I'm sorry to report, massive disappointment followed as Walford's other big mystery remained unsolved.

Namely, was George Michael fan Heifer's chat-up line, "Knock Me Up, Before You Go-Go"?

No complaints with the way the writers handled the climax though. Honestly, there were more potential fathers on display than you'd find in the green room most days at The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Okay, so Who Put The Fat Bird In The Club? was never going to cause the same worldwide frenzy as Who Shot JR? but it was a pretty good watch.

Shock

Yes, Decoy Dad 4 Billy Mitchell's reason for going to the hospital had more holes in it than Daniella Westbrook's nose, but the "who-could-have-possibly-been-drunk-enough-to-have- dunnit" still kept me guessing.

Mainly because when the baby came out looking so much like Phil Mitchell I almost called off all bets instantly.

And there was actually a bigger shock than finding out it was Darren: I laughed out loud 12 times during the week's four episodes. But the biggest shock of all? On at least eight occasions I'm fairly sure I was meant to be laughing.

Talk about the world turning on its head. I mean, long painful experience has taught us Easties just can't do comedy. But there it all was. Shirley's description of childbirth: "An entire person coming out yer lady bum." (Shirl, that Blue Peter job's yours.)

Billy running his hands through his brave remaining wisps at the exact moment Heifer was revealing the father had lush dark brown hair.

Minty's face when Liam asked him what "all fur coat and no knickers" means (Liam had overheard Pat and Bianca talking about Sam).

Shirley deadpanning: "I'm hardly mother of the year material." (Well, you never know, Shirl. Katie Price has just been put on the shortlist after all.)

That sign on Shirley's Halloween-themed ice cream van warning of "low flying bats" when there were actually a couple of low-lying old bats, Peggy and Pat, in the back sleeping off a bottle of vodka.

And Heifer starting her phone message to the father with: "I don't know if you remember Valentine's Night. You know, with the yoghurt pot lid."

Rogue

(Yeah, that had me thinking a rogue Tory MP might be in the frame too.)

But top of the pile, and unashamedly playing to the gallery, was Heifer reeling off that George Michael discography in between her labour pants.

Straight out of the French & Saunders locker and tidily, er, delivered by Cheryl Fergison. Why, she almost made up for the comedy horror of Heifer and Shirley's pilgrimage to George Michael's "house."

Of course, judging by the look on Darren's face it's a safe bet the writers have already hit that big red default button marked "Misery."

And there'll be a whole lot of shouty tennis and wailing between now and Christmas. Which is a shame. Because with better scripts and less PC preaching this show could eventually get the right mix of misery and mirth every week.

Fact is, they could do worse than take a look at the Beeb's daytime gem Doctors, which has been brilliantly combining the two for the best part of three years now.

And there's a simple way of beating the recent budget cuts which mean Easties can only use 16 actors in any given episode: Just use the 16 they have on the cast who can actually act.

As for poor Darren, I guess his only hope of avoiding a merciless ribbing in The Queen Vic is a favourable DNA test result.

And when I say DNA I don't mean Deoxyribo-Nucleic Acid*. I mean the only other "DNA" which could excuse his behaviour.

Darren Not Awake.

(* Yes, of course I Googled it)

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