This XL Factor’s not got talent, Si

THE surprise return of THE X FACTOR last night (no, I had no idea it was coming back either), and Dermot O'Squinty had a huge announcement to make: "The dream just got bigger!"

And he was right.

Because, as well as turning on this year's Christmas lights in Mansfield, the latest pile of wannabes are seeking the ultimate prize.

Appearing on the same Butlins bill as Journey South, Stavros Flatley and Leon Jackson next summer.

Of course, something else just got bigger too. This show's ego.

And I blame Susan Boyle. Because Simon Cowell is desperate for another You Tube smash. And to make sure it looks right what's he gone and done? Only killed the first two months of this show.

Patchy

Simon's take on his new soulless arena auditions? "If it doesn't work, I'll take the blame. Simple as that." And while I'm in eternal awe of him for so bravely and selflessly exposing himself to such dire jeopardy, I have to be honest: Last night's show was a bit patchy.

Strong enough to still trounce the Beeb's lame offerings in the ratings, for sure. But patchy all the same.

I know Simon's a big fan of change (I mean, he swaps his dirty grey T-shirt for a clean one every morning - hell, sometimes he'll go crazy and pull out a white one).

And he was right about The X Factor looking stale next to Britain's Got Talent. But his desperation to make it just like its higher-rating stablemate is now so fevered he even pressed an imaginary buzzer during one of the bad auditions last night (either that or he had jetlag again).

Fact is, he's fiddled with the WRONG PART of the show. Why not sort out the tortuous, tear-stained tedium of Boot Camp instead? Or breathe life into the cliché-riddled predictability and Stars In Their Eyes choreography of the live shows.

This auditions idea is just illogical. They're now asking a bunch of hopefuls to sing to a backing track in front of thousands of people in an arena, then putting them through Boot Camp to, um, learn how to sing to a backing track in front of thousands of people in an arena, before sticking them in a TV studio to sing to a backing track . . . in front of a few hundred people.

Whatever happened to the "Journey"? Does Simon not realise that watching someone like Leona Lewis change from a frightened little girl in jeans singing a cappella to a ball gowned diva belting it out in front of a 40-strong gospel choir remains this show's greatest success and its biggest weapon?

But the worst thing about these new auditions? They boast a kind of atmosphere which can only be generated by 4,000 people who've hung around in a massive arena all day waiting for something to happen.

Most of the time, the vibe was more stunted than Simon Cowell's growth chart. The rest of the time we had that stage-managed whooping and hollering which makes me want to throw my telly out the window.

Hairy

Especially when it stops me hearing: a) What the contestants are trying to sing and b) Which cliché the judges have plumped for.

Speaking of the judges, they can't have been happy about that new stadium-like lighting. Even Princess Tiny Tears herself, Cheryl Cole, suffered a couple of hairy close-ups.

We should also mourn the passing of one of the most iconic TV sequences of the last decade: The starstruck wannabes bursting through the audition room doors to tell their families how they got on.

Because the families are now waiting in the wings fully aware of their success/failure, and the door-bursting has been replaced by an awkward little skip down some steps.

Unfathomable.

But not quite as unfathomable as another of the changes: The judges travelling in on speedboats (no, I never knew they'd been on Bullseye either).

All that did was leave Dannii Minogue looking like she'd spent the last hour hurtling into a 100mph headwind.

So at least some things have stayed the same.

X FACTOR queries. Does wee Simon's fondness for making hand gestures to the crowd leave us with no alternative but to nickname him Tom Thumbs-Up?

Those part-time Lithuanian "models". Part-time in the sense that one of them does the early shift at Stringfellow's, the other the late?

Did Cheryl Cole only put Roy the plasterer through because she's looking for a new make-up artist?

Does yet another appearance (yawn) from chubby no-hoper Emma Chawner mean she's now become even harder for Simon to shake off than Sinitta?

Was the inclusion of Geordie Joe and family - ITV's own version of Peter Kay's brilliant Our Wayne, Our Mam and Our Nan - a comedy masterstroke or just a bit sad and desperate?

And, finally, why was everyone surprised when Louis gave a resounding yes to cute, blonde 17-year-old Dublin twins John and Edward?

I mean, he was always going to fancy seeing a couple of boys like that at Boot Camp. They're from Dublin.

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